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31st Jan 2017

Azealia Banks leaked Rihanna’s phone number, so we texted her and became best friends

This is what any normal person would do, right?

Ciara Knight

Azealia Banks leaked Rihanna’s phone number so that I could become her best friend.

The number has since been deleted from Azealia’s Instagram. Luckily, some screenshots emerged on Twitter – there’s always screenshots – so I added her to my phonebook in part one of a two-part effort to secure Rihanna as my new best friend.

Part two was deciding to text her.

So here is the story of how I became best friends with Rihanna.

First, I decided to keep it casual, mostly to lure Rihanna into a sense of safety, comfort and familiarity.

 

No response. I decided to shift tactics. To trick Rihanna into thinking we’re best friends, I asked her a question that you would only ever ask your best friend. Probably.

 

Still no reply. I decided to play to her interests. It’s no secret that Rihanna likes a bit of the magic dragon, so I expertly timed this next message.

 

Nothing. Time to resort to humour. Tragically, these are the fruits of my A-game.

 

Ignored again, I went for a slightly better joke, this time incorporating her real name.

 

This was getting embarrassing. I sat back, took stock of my efforts and came up with what is sure to be crowned the best joke of 2017.

 

Okay, clearly humour isn’t Rihanna’s thing. What about a bit of wordplay with her name again, surely this will get her attention?

 

Nada. At this point, I decided that flattery might be the way to charge her battery and get this friendship current flowing.

 

Zilch. At this point, I was bereft. Was I making a show of myself? Why wouldn’t Rihanna talk to me? I’m not a quitter, so I drafted what is sure to be crowned the second best joke of 2017. (For the best, see above).

 

I won’t lie. At this point, I was angry. Who the hell does Rihanna think she is? I’m an absolute catch and her life would be infinitely better with me in it. I drafted one final text and her reply (or lack thereof) spoke volumes.

 

And that is the story of how I became best friends with Rihanna.