What you’re about to read is the truth, so toughen up.
You can learn a lot about someone based on how they take their tea. Sure, you could just get to know the person and infiltrate their trust to gain inside knowledge about the inner workings of their brain, but that’d take a while.
The danger with tea is that in a split second, your reputation could potentially be destroyed beyond repair. You could be revered like Mother Teresa, but if you put the milk in before the hot water, you’ll eternally be regarded as scum. Those are the rules.
So what does the colour of your tea say about you? Simply identify the closest match to yours below and find out.
1. The Mistake
There’s no way to put this lightly, so I’m just going to go ahead and say it: Your life is a mistake and we’d really appreciate it if you could head to your nearest GP to be put down immediately. We regret any inconvenience caused. If it’s any consolation, it’s not entirely your fault. Your parents never should’ve let things get this far. From the day you made your first ever cup of tea, they should’ve intervened, gotten law enforcement officials involved and righted the wrong they are solely responsible for creating.
As a person, you’re a mess. You’ve about five shopping bags in the boot of your car, but never remember to bring them into the supermarket, meaning you have to fork out an offensive 5p per bag. You’re a terrible person through and through. One time you threw an apple core out the car window and said “That’ll decompose, it’s fine”, you sick fuck. At least twice a week you’ll dodge your mother’s phone calls as well. You’re a monster.
2. The Disgrace
Relax sunshine, you’re not out of the woods yet. Just because your tea doesn’t match the worst one, you’re still scum and don’t you ever forget that. Yes, there’s worse than you out there, but you’re still bringing great shame upon your family. There’s a deep-rooted psychological issue that’s causing you to defend your actions on a regular basis. “I don’t have time to wait for the tea to cool down. This way, I can drink it straight away”. Although honest, you’re still a buffoon.
You’re also disillusioned by your own abilities. People are laughing at you. Every morning you get up, go to work and sit at a desk for eight hours, then you go home. You’ll intermittently pop to the work kitchen for occasional cups of tea, which gives your boss fair reason to fire you with every excess drop of milk you put in. People like you can’t hold down a steady job for long. You’re weak, you’re timid, you’re an utter disgrace and should fry for what you’ve done.
3. The Optimist
You’re not a bad person. You pay your taxes, you sometimes smile at elderly people when you walk past them. Sure, there’s been times where you’ve shouted at the man in the chip shop for giving you the wrong order, but you also spend each day trying to make yourself a better person. A person that your children can one day look up to, maybe even name a child after you. You’ve made mistakes, you’re only human. The important thing is that you’ve learned from them. Moved on. Tried to better yourself.
People tend to like you. Although often a massive arsehole, you’re honest. You’ll listen to others, you’re easy to confide in and always offer a brew and a bickie when someone calls over. You’re aware that your tea preferences aren’t to everyone’s taste, so you’ll try to toughen up and make a slightly stronger cuppa when someone else is watching. It’ll burn your mouth off and make you grimace with each sip, but at least those nearby can see that you’re committed to reducing your arseholic nature. Keep it up, champ!
4. The Acceptable One
You’re a decent person and you’re well aware of it. You’ve fairly coasted through life without a care nor trouble in the world, except for that one time you were denied a job because the interviewer said you were too nice for your own good, but that’s their loss. He probably came to that conclusion after your said you biggest weakness was that you care too much, but I think that was a solid answer and you didn’t deserve to be ridiculed for it.
One time you rescued a cat from a tree, unfortunately it transpired that the cat needed that tree for moral and structural support because he only had 3 legs. He walked straight out in front of that articulated truck, bless him. Still, every cloud. He looked so peaceful in his little kitten casket at the funeral, mangled as he was. Anyway, sorry, I’m rambling. You’re a decent human being and most people tend to like you. You make a perfectly acceptable cup of tea, so at least you’ve got that going for you.
5. The Abyss
I’m genuinely surprised you’ve been able to take some time out of being a big tough legend to read this article. You eat jigsaw pieces for breakfast and then shit out the fully assembled jigsaw whole by lunchtime. People are terrified of you. You’re so tough, you have a magnetic forcefield around you that prevents anyone from touching your perfectly sculpted body. Your car runs on fear and you once strangled a man with a cordless phone.
You spent a long time searching for a suitable laptop without a backspace key because you don’t make mistakes. You’ve never felt the need to purchase a watch because you’re the one that decides what time it is. You once cooked one of Jamie Oliver’s 30 minute meals in twenty minutes, although nobody was around to verify it, but we all instinctively believe you. The only time you were ever wrong was when you initially thought you were wrong, but ultimately it ended up that you were right all along. In summary: you’re a massive legend who is too hard for this world.
