This is the best news story of 2017. Don’t @ me.
Shocking images: Traffickers use pigeon to smuggle drugs into #Kuwait https://t.co/yl1Ri2xVHk pic.twitter.com/oFGWwX07N5
— Al Arabiya English (@AlArabiya_Eng) May 23, 2017
Yesterday, at approximately thirty minutes past midnight, the world changed forever when the news broke that a carrier pigeon was caught smuggling 200 ecstasy pills in a lit-*chokes up, gathers self* a little backpack.
It’s believed that the pigeon (age unknown) was arrested by authorities in Kuwait after entering its airspace following a flight from Iraq.
As expected, a number of questions have arisen that I’m now going to attempt to answer because journalism.
Is the pigeon male or female?
Given that I’m not an expert in visually identifying the gender of pigeons, I emailed images of him/her to several bird organisations, none of which got back to me and will forever be on My List.
Defeated, I took to Google, which told me that male pigeons generally have thicker necks and wider heads, whereas female pigeons have more slender bodies and narrower heads. Since there’s literally one pigeon in this image, I’ve got nothing else to compare it to, which is fucking ideal.
To be honest, the pigeon looks quite slender, it’s got a decent figure, probably goes to CrossFit twice a week and eats healthily. But that’s just speculation. I need more evidence.
Again, I’m not an expert in pigeon pedicures, but I’m most definitely an expert in life (and banter), so I can see that those nails are quite long. They’re longer on the right hand, which suggests that this pigeon is left-handed and therefore makes up roughly 12% of the population and is also more prone to migraines than its right-handed counterparts.
Those nails are in very decent shape, they don’t seem brittle or unkempt by anyone’s standards. My guess is that this pigeon received a manicure and nude shellac in the past 6-8 weeks. That doesn’t necessarily rule out either gender, but reverting back to the original image, the neck seems quite slender. Fuck it, she’s female and her name is Samantha.
Who made the pigeon’s backpack?
Basically what I’m wondering here is if the pigeon backpack making industry is a viable means of income, on behalf of a friend. At an uneducated glance, this particular product seems a very sturdy and functional backpack, certainly not the efforts of an amateur.
It’s well sewn together. There’s a small bit of fraying along the bottom but I’d imagine that might be due to general in-flight wear and tear, perhaps unexpected weather conditions encountered on the journey, etc. The colour is a very close match to the pigeon’s head, meaning the maker of this bag has a real eye for detail, perhaps a bit of an expert in this particular field.
The bag looks good. I’m saying it without prejudice nor approval for this crime. The fabric appears to be soft and was made with comfort in mind. The light blue adhesive strips at the top of the bag seem to have been designed to be as small as possible, meaning minimal discomfort for Samantha on her quest to deliver the goods (or should we say ‘bads’ lol).
I found a pretty similar style of bag from Jack Spade’s collection, retailing at a cool $398, so it’s safe to assume that this is where Sam got her kit. It’s expected that the bag will sell out before the weekend hits.
Was the backpack used exclusively for drugs?
The beauty of backpacks is that they can be used for any purpose the user sees fit. Going shopping? Backpack. Overnight trip? Backpack. Avian drug mule? Backpack.
Has Samantha used the backpack for other purposes such as recreating the movie ‘Wild’ in a bid to find herself but ultimately finding the gift of friendship and learning a multitude life lessons along the way? I’m inclined to believe so.
https://twitter.com/ajeep8888/status/866583564900610048?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fnewswire.storyful.com%2Fchannels%2FUK%2Fstorylines%2F*
In the above video, you can clearly see that the backpack doesn’t give too much resistance as it’s being gently sliced open. That suggests to me that it’s been well worn. Perhaps Samantha has used the backpack on more than one occasion previously. To the average person, it doesn’t seem to hold much, but to a pigeon, that backpack is the equivalent of a large campervan.
There’s a small bit of staining on a patch in the middle of the backpack, so it’s logical to assume there was some form of liquid inside at some stage. Perhaps a selection of baby carrots preserved in brine, or a leaking bottle of aftershave from duty-free. Who can say? Samantha, that’s who.
This one is going to have to go unanswered until such time as we can secure an exclusive interview with her. I can do no more here.
Was the pigeon intending to use the drugs recreationally or otherwise?
People have been very quick to assume that this pigeon, Samantha, was some kind of drug lord, using the skies as her own personal transportation system into a world of drugs, deceit and random shitting on cars when the mood strikes. Some were suggesting that she had planned to head straight into a nightclub to sell those ecstasy tablets at a phenomenal markup, then slip away into the night unscathed.
Indulge this theory for a second. What if Samantha is a rogue doctor, using unconventional practices to treat her patients. She was chucked out of medical school for suggesting that appendicitis could be treated with flat Sprite, resulting in her widely being considered a lunatic by her peers. Determined to prove them wrong, Samantha set up her own practice on the dark web, treating bodies and minds alike.
Yes, Samantha was carrying ecstasy to Kuwait, but she was also carrying the hopes and dreams of many of her patients. Ecstasy has been proven as an effective means of treating post-traumatic stress disorder. Extensive research has also shown that ecstasy contains robust anti-cancer properties, particularly for leukaemia, lymphoma and myeloma. We can’t possibly know her intentions at this early stage, but we can at least give her the benefit of the doubt.
Let’s put down the pitchforks and give Samantha the opportunity to explain herself, with a lawyer present if she so wishes.
Was Samantha acting alone or on behalf of a cartel?
Again, the accusations are flying (literally) that this pigeon was trained and then sent overseas by a sophisticated drug cartel. But I ask you, where is the evidence? Samantha flew into the long arm of the law alone and that is where she remains until this very moment. There’s no evidence of any accomplice, it’s all just speculation at this point.
To me, she exudes independence and self-sufficiency. Sure, we’ve come to the conclusion that she’s had some help in manufacturing her backpack, but that is simply because pigeons are known to be quite poor regarding learning the intricacies of sewing. But Samantha, part of a cartel? I just don’t see it. I do not see it.
Anyone who’s watched Narcos will be on the same page here. You’re trying to tell me that Samantha would take orders from Pablo Escobar? Wrong. Pablo Escobar would be firmly under the thumb of Samantha the pigeon.
Did the pigeon want to get caught?
Samantha is the most sophisticated avian drug mule this world has ever seen. She’s the type of carrier pigeon that goes undetected unless she wants to be detected. You’re trying to tell me that she can’t successfully navigate her way to Kuwait with 178 ecstasy tablets without being caught? Respectfully, fuck the fuck off.
We need to be sensitive to things that might be going on in this pigeon’s life that we have no idea about. Perhaps she’s involved in a turbulent relationship, one of her parents might be addicted to playing Solitaire, she could have a sibling with a wonky eye. This is real life, this isn’t some soap opera where you can tweet about the misfortune of someone along with a quirky gif. This is Samantha’s life.
Personally, I believe that she wanted to be caught. She’s wrapped up in some intense drug trafficking goings-on that would frighten most to the point of insanity. Samantha has killed before and is scared about how soundly she slept that night. Samantha once played Spyro on the PS1 for three hours straight without any toilet breaks. She’s clearly not one to be messed with.
Now, in a way, she’s free. She’ll do the mandatory sentence for drug trafficking in Kuwait pending a trial and successful conviction. On the inside, she’ll reconnect with herself and her loved ones, ironically via snail mail. She might even peruse the work of Tolstoy, it’s not for me to say.
If this entire debacle has taught me anything, it’s to avoid jumping to conclusions. Don’t believe everything you read online, including this. Also be really careful when you’re transporting drugs and never underestimate the power of a backpack, for any species.
