An anagram of Goop is ‘Pogo’, so do with that information what you will.
In defence of Goop, it’s self-described as a ‘A modern lifestyle brand, offering cutting-edge wellness advice from doctors and experts, vetted travel recommendations, and a curated shop of clean beauty’, which loosely translates to ‘Shit you couldn’t afford in your wildest dreams, you pathetic muggle’.
So it’s quite apparent that I’m bitter. I’d like to one day be in a position to buy things that aren’t labelled with a yellow reduced sticker in the supermarket and I’d also like to some day book a hotel other than the cheapest one because ‘we’ll only be sleeping there, so it doesn’t need to be anything fancy’.
Regardless, Goop is full of ridiculous things that, even whence I come into a large amount of money, I will refuse to buy.
The Original Chrome Showerhead – £194 / $275
The market is absolutely there for such an inventive product. You’d be hard pressed to find any kind of slob that’s still living with the original showerhead that came with their shower. Obviously that gets removed immediately upon purchase and replaced with THE ORIGINAL Goop chrome one (at a tidy price of almost £200) that looks more like a pocket watch than an essential part of a shower fixture.
At long last, your soft and shitty body shall be caressed with the exact same water as before, only now it shall touch a golden 5″ diameter chrome showerhead for the briefest of moments. Smell that? It’s the future, baby and it’s yours for just £194.
Condom Variety Gift Set – £20 / $29
From the website: ‘This set of 9 Sustain nontoxic, fair-trade, vegan-friendly, lubricated latex condoms comes in a cute organic-cotton zip-up pouch that’s perfect for stashing bedside or in a weekend bag’.
I’ve several questions regarding this one:
- What kind of person gives someone a gift set of condoms?
- What kind of person gives someone a gift set of vegan condoms?
- What kind of person gives someone a gift set of vegan condoms in a cute organic cotton zip-up pouch?
Let’s hone in on the packaging for a moment, if we may. On each pack it says ‘Free of nitrosamines’, which is surely not the most crucial selling point of the product. ‘Hey let’s have sex, one second, I’ll just fetch my nontoxic, fair-trade, vegan-friendly, lubricated latex condoms comes in a cute organic-cotton zip-up pouch that’s perfect for stashing bedside or in a weekend bag ;)’
Sex Oil – £19 / $28
So lube, basically. BUT WITH ADDED VITAMIN E!!!!
‘We here at goop are unabashed proponents of good, clean, sexy sex. Oil-based personal lubricant is super-luxurious, with aromatherapy benefits, natural moisturizers, and a subtle scent’.
As a super-luxurious person, this would fit your lifestyle perfectly. However, it’s also quite conflicting. The bottle is 120ml in size, meaning you can’t bring it in your hand luggage when you fly to the Golden Gate Bridge to take a quick cordless bungee jump off it as a direct result of this lifestyle that Goop is encouraging.
It’s also got coconut oil so your bits can smell like a Bounty AND they’ve very optimistically given it a shelf life of 6 months. After that, you’re on your own, sunshine.
Pint Glass – £49 / $70
It’s a pint glass, but not just any pint glass, it’s a pint glass with a fixed metal coaster that you’d probably find in your Gran’s house.
With such a steep price point, you might be thinking that it includes a set of 4 or 6 with this purchase, but let’s remind ourselves what website it’s from. You will get one measly glass for £49 and you’ll like it, you luxurious fuck.
Alternatively, go for a pint with your friends and bring a large bag with you. Once your pint is finished, simply put the pint glass directly into your bag, stuffed with a spare tissue for dribble soakage. Repeat until you’re thrown out. For almost £50, you’re looking at very decent haul.
Bevagna Oval Serving Platter – £186 / $264
Or a big plate, to you and I.
Even the website’s description writer couldn’t fluff this unfluffable piece of fluff, stating ‘What we love most about this Italian-made, glossy white platter is that it’s individually hand-thrown in small batches’.
Yes, I too cannot resist an item that has been individually hand-thrown in small batches. That doesn’t even make sense. It can’t be individual but also in small batches. Someone in Goop is wasted beyond belief when they’re a) devising a pricing strategy for their products and b) writing the product descriptions.
Anyone that can and will pay £186 for a single solitary plate can do one, platter of fact.
Smoky Quartz Bottle – £56 / $80
£56 for a water bottle when you can get one in Poundland for precisely £1. Has the world gone mad?
‘This gorgeous glass water bottle is designed with an obelisk-like smoky quartz crystal to infuse water with positive energy. A grounding crystal, smoky quartz is thought to reduce feelings of anxiety, encourage relaxation, and protect from negative energies’.
If you’re relying on a water bottle for positive energy, I’m sorry to say that you have completely and utterly lost it. I don’t care how much disposable income you’ve got, nothing justifies buying a water bottle with a lump of rock inside it under the guise of giving you pOsItIve EnErGy!!!
This item is a test. Anyone that purchases it from Goop gets a free medical assessment on the grounds of suspected insanity. Don’t fall for the trap.
Step Stool – £67 / $95
A stool, the perfect accessory for people that are simply too posh to stand on one of the many chairs in their household.
‘This step stool is tiny but mighty, and proves to be exceptionally useful around the house’. Whomever writes this is guaranteed to have sailed through every essay throughout the course of their schooldays, I know this because anyone that can come up with a description for a stool that isn’t “you stand on it”, is a certified master of bullshittery.
JML are quaking in their sensible weatherproof boots thanks to Goop. They can never compete with a £67 stool, no matter how many video reenactments they produce to highlight that there’s ‘GOT to be a better way’.
Onion Brass Trivet – £105 / $150
‘This cleverly layered solid-brass onion trivet consists of three pieces, each of which can be used separately to hold warm dishes, cups, or practically anything else in your kitchen. That said, we also like it as a paperweight’.
Quick query, did I miss the day in school where we were taught that vaginal-shaped paperweights had the ability to hold crockery? Has this paperweight got a set of hands that it’s harbouring behind its little onion back? Does. It. Fuck. Gwyneth Paltrow, you are a certified lunatic and if this website is your cry for help, then I hear you and I am sending help.
In conclusion, it is quite evident that every day Goop strays further and further from God’s light.
All images via GOOP
