Episode 26.
A lot happened last night, almost enough to justify the fact that our lives have become completely consumed by this simple reality television format. Almost.
Here’s six things that might’ve gone over your head while you were distracted by this wonderful show that provides a brief respite from your impending mortality each night 🙂
1. ‘Bits’ apparently now means something other than bits
Start spreading the news, Montana and Alex have finally had ~relations~ in the villa and the entire country is collectively rejoicing as if this sliver of excitement is their own. Naturally, Montana headed into the Love Island equivalent of the diary room the next morning to tell all, much to the delight of every single gossip-hungry mongrels of us watching at home. Montana for the win, to be quite honest.
She announced that they didn’t “do the actual deed, we just did bits”, which frankly has left me utterly baffled. The Oxford English dictionary defines bits as a ‘small portion’, which again sheds little to no light on Montana and Alex’s relations last night. Did they consume a small amount lumpy orange juice? By the smiles on their faces, I am inclined to believe so. It’s 2017, people are into all kinds of kinky stuff. Either way, a hearty (and fruity) congratulations to the happy couple.
2. Boys and girls talk about VERY different things
When Montana and Alex returned to a hero’s welcome at the villa, the islanders, much like ourselves, were gagging to know how the pair got on in that saucy little hideaway. All seven girls rushed over to Montana and quickly formed an impenetrable shield around her on the decking. This commenced a barrage of questions being fired at her from all angles over hushed tones and occasional shrieking with delight. The girls were hungry for information and no question was off limits for our Mon. Side note: What is a ‘slither down’?
Meanwhile, Alex got stuck into his breakfast preparations in the kitchen, at which point Nathan asked the question that was on everyone’s mind: ‘What was the food like?’, to which Alex replied ‘The food was wicked, really good’. At this point, I questioned whether ‘food’ was being used as a codeword for ‘relations’, but it turns out it absolutely wasn’t. Nathan genuinely just cares a lot about food and it’s hard to fault that in him. In a way, they were all discussing an element of hunger, meaning we’re all simply human at the end of the day.
3. Surprisingly, there are flies in Spain
Tyla was engaging in everyone’s favourite pastime, staring blankly into the fridge hoping for some sort of divine food inspiration, when a fly swooped in to take part in the same activity. Without any exaggeration, Tyla lost her shit, screamed profusely and ran away. This is the only acceptable course of action to take when an event such as this arises. Flies are dangerous and this young lady was lucky to come away with her life at the end of the altercation. She later filed a report with the Love Island team about the attempted assault and the matter has been raised with the Spanish authorities.
I fully understand Tyla’s reaction, in fact, I condone it. She’s in a foreign country, flies are braver in Spain, they’ve more of a carefree attitude than British flies. They want more than a steaming pile of dog shit to hover around, they prefer the allure of tapas and various cheeses. That fly wanted blood and she knew it. Although it’s not visible in the image above, that fly was massive. Twice the size of Old Trafford, at least. If you’re thinking of going to Marbella this summer, be warned, there are flies.
4. The producers have thrown all logic out the window at this point
Jonny received a text (other than the abusive anonymous ones I’ve been sending him since he began to wrong sweet angel Camilla) which informed him that there was going to be a “fun” “task” taking place. What was that task? Well, fuck knows to be honest. It involved pole dancing, but the pole dancing bared absolutely no result on the outcome of the challenge, so basically the producers decided it would be funny / sexy to see the islanders wrap themselves awkwardly around a pole.
If you want to look really closely into the matter, the task was called ‘Poll Dancing’, which means they’ve connected the poll aspect of the challenge with a literal pole. Truthfully, we need to start coming to terms with the fact that the Love Island producers have run out of ideas. As someone whose daily work involves writing about the show, I can resonate with that. There is nothing left. Tomorrow’s task will probably have the islanders getting to the root of Jonny’s eye twitch, something I’d certainly welcome.
5. Craig needs to up his suncream usage post-haste
I have said it before and I will say it again. CRAIG IS NOT BUILT TO HANDLE THE SUN. Most of aren’t, apart from the select few superhuman species currently residing on Love Island. Every time I see Craig on screen, he’s angrier, but also increasingly sunburnt. I’d heard rumours that the islanders are encouraged to use factor 50 suncream, but I firmly believe that Craig should be applying factor 80 (if it doesn’t exist, someone needs to invent it quickly) at least twice as regularly as the other islanders.
He’s a ginger man, he needs to live life at a slightly slower pace as a result. Going to Marbella was a very brave and admirable move from the guy, but was it a step too far? I’m inclined to believe so. He was (thankfully) voted off at the end of last night’s show and I think we can all attribute that to the public’s recognition of his skin being in very real jeopardy. We wish him a speedy recovery from the inevitable sunstroke he’s currently suffering from.
6. Jonny, aka scum of the earth, exclusively owns pants with ripped knees
Jonny, the human pile of garbage, doesn’t own proper pants. I’ve noticed this over the past couple of weeks, but last night it really pissed me off. His nighttime look generally consists of a shirt, a pair of black knee-less jeans and his smug little Jonny smile. But last night, he took the absolute fucking piss. Jonny wore a pair of denim jeans that I hadn’t seen before, and I felt hopeful that maybe his knees would be covered up. Well heck me was I wrong, there was a fucking bust knee in them too.
I realise this isn’t important information, nor is anything else I’ve written about Love Island, but what it serves as is proof that Jonny is the worst man alive. Honest to Christ, first he pies Camilla, now he goes and wears stupid clothes. I’m confident that Jonny has the worst wardrobe in humanity, full of ripped jeans, t-shirts that have exotic locations on the front such as L.A., probably some bootcut chords, paisley shirts and a collection of baseball caps. Ugh. Fucking Jonny.
All images via ITV
