Episode 1.
Rich kids going on holiday to Ibiza. That is the premise for this television series.
It’s like Love Island meets Richie Rich, something that actually sounds quite appealing on paper, but in practice is a national disgrace.
All in the name of journalism, I put myself through last night (31st July)’s episode of Made In Chelsea: Ibiza to gauge specifically how cringe it would be.
As expected, it was deeply cringe. Here are six cringe things I witnessed that I am now saddened to report.
1. One of the girls tried to hide her bum as she walked away from a group of boys
If you’re on a constructed reality television series that’s set in Ibiza and you’re uncomfortable with your bikinied bottom appearing on screen, perhaps this isn’t quite the line of work for you. As is commonplace with affluent people in their early 20s, three boys and one girl were sat two opposite two sipping champagne on some sort of luxury yacht in Ibiza. From what I can gather, the boy who is staring at the concealed arse appears to be dating the owner of the shy bottom, so it’s probably ok.
The larger issue here is that either a) she doesn’t want her boyfriend to see her bottom which is in a bikini, or b) she doesn’t want her bottom which is in a bikini to appear on the television. I’m not sure how many episodes this particular series will run for, but it’s certainly worrying to think that we have a new brand of Never Nudes in circulation at present. The Never Never Nudes, where they aren’t even partially nude, but still somehow ashamed of their naked form. This girl won’t last the series. Not a fucking hope.
2. One of the girls wore a swimsuit that says ‘Tequila Club’ on the front
We’re only six minutes into this episode of Made In Chelsea: Ibiza, when it came to my attention that the show is cast with whom I would consider to be the most cringe people alive. Again, we’re greeted by a group of four girls that have organically chosen to sit two by two, whilst angling themselves perfectly towards the fixed mounted cameras beside them. In a totally natural and seamless manner, they talk to each other one by one, meticulously determining who’s single or in a firmly committed relationship. Not one of them mentions the swimsuit embodiment of cringe sitting beside them.
What even is a Tequila Club? Is it a group of people that frequently gather together to drink tequila? Or is it an establishment where they solely sell tequila? Or is it an entirely fictional concept, devised as a clever marketing technique by the producers of tequila? Either way, a swimsuit is hardly the most reliable way to promote it. You’re not supposed to drink and swim, nor is red a good idea for a swimsuit unless you are a lifeguard. This entire situation is hazardous and it makes me feel uncomfortable due to second-hand cringe.
3. Two of the guys went to a nightclub dressed like this
With respect to the boys, everyone dresses a bit on the jazzy side when they’re on holidays. It’s a combination of being in a different climate, as well as being pretty much guaranteed that you’re not going to see anyone you know. However, that scenario doesn’t apply here. They’re being filmed. For the telly. Everyone’s going to see them. The guys look like they’re going painting for the day, so threw on some old clothes that can endure any wayward paint splashes without being ruined beyond repair.
Although, respect must be paid to blondie on the left, who is delicately carrying a very feminine drink, proving that gender is merely a social construct and there is no such thing as ‘a real man’. I must, however, query both their tucked sleeves. What is the aim? Do they want to show off more of their biceps? If so, maybe go sleeveless altogether, rather than spending the evening rolling up that short sleeve to a sufficient height. It’s cringe and they need to get with the Ibizan times, which is precisely one hour ahead of the UK.
4. One of the guys was squinting BUT HIS SUNGLASSES WERE ON HIS HEAD THE WHOLE TIME
Honestly Chancey or whatever your name is, they’re right there, on top of your head. Literally, the solution to all the problems currently facing you is sat atop your balding head. Simply slip those puppies down a few centimetres and you’re golden. Perhaps the sweet relief is all too much for you? Are we witnessing an act of self-flagellation? Has Made In Chelsea: Ibiza finally got some deep and complex plot lines that are about to emerge, such as why the act of hurting oneself can often act as a means of distraction from all other sources of pain such as the deep dark void within?
No it actually just seems like this lad has forgotten that he’s got a pair of sunglasses on his head. It’s a pity, prolonged squinting can lead to visual impairment and premature wrinkles. He’ll look back on his misspent youth and curse instances such as this, when he simply could’ve slipped those sunglasses down to his nose. “Curses! I remembered all my essentials when leaving the house: Pinky ring, gold watch and sunglasses. But like a muppet, I failed to implement the sunnies”, he’ll say on his deathbed. RIP.
5. During conversation with a girl, this guy adjusted his already sufficiently opened shirt to reveal even more of his chest
Chives, or whatever the fuck his name is, had been sporting a very deep shirt for most of the episode. It’s likely due to the heat and his insatiable need to have his prepubescent chest on show at all times. Nobody called him out on it, which made me further despair for this constructed reality television show. If any of my friends wore their clothes in such a manner, they’d be subject to a dual roasting for the entirety of the holiday, both from myself and the harmful rays of the sun.
This is the first time I’ve watched Made In Chelsea: Ibiza, but I think it’s safe to conclude that Chives is a massive narcissist. His seemingly unkempt hairstyle combined with a more or less wide open shirt is a dead giveaway. Chives has more mirrors than comfortable seats in his house. He pays £200 to get his hair cut and owns over 35 pairs of Chelsea Boots. Chives once tipped a carwash eployee £35 because he never carries anything smaller than £50. He’s distantly related to Chesney Hawkes and never stops going on about it.
6. They had a Summer Solstice Party
I understand that this is a television show, but I can’t help becoming irrationally angry at the thought of anyone having a party to celebrate when a planet’s rotational axis is most inclined towards the star that it orbits. I’d sooner attend a dog’s half birthday party (frankly, who wouldn’t?) than commemorate a natural occurrence. It’s just an excuse to get shit-faced on cocktails, so why don’t they just go for brunch instead? Brunch is fun, delicious and a socially acceptable gateway to day drinking.
It’s as if the producers spent the bones of four minutes brainstorming an event that could take place to give this appalling episode a ‘big’ finish. Earlier in the show, the girls were shopping and one of them (probably called Fluffy) casually threw into conversation that the Summer Solstice is the longest day of the summer, which is dumb and incorrect because the day has still got 24 hours in it, there’s just a touch more sunlight. Even the cast doesn’t know what they’re celebrating. This show is garbage and I hate it.
All images via Channel 4
