It is with a very heavy heart we must announce that Taylor Swift is back at it again.
She’s got a new music video out and it’s edgier, sassier and more infuriatingly misleading than ever.
I have deduced that Taylor’s commitment to promoting nonsensical logic is going to prove extremely harmful to society and ultimately destroy the NHS.
Herein lies the proof.
A graveyard with the initials ‘TS’ requires A LOT of deaths
Bit narcissistic to assume that a graveyard can be organised in such a manner as to spell out a 27-year-old’s initials. Especially considering this procedure would’ve had to have been put in place over a large enough timespan to accommodate sufficient deaths to fill the above plot.
Also, the process of cremation is currently on the rise, with a projected 54% of Americans expected to be cremated in 2020 (according to the Cremation Association of North America). That means, at present, roughly half of all dead bodies in the US are being buried. These statistics are sure to hamper such an ambitious effort to fill an entire graveyard with inhabitants and accompanying gravestones to spell out ‘TS’.
The danger here is that literal diehard Taylor Swift fans will deliberately pass away so as to fill a plot to facilitate this ambitious display of fandom. Evidently, the NHS will bear the cost.
If your reputation can allegedly die, where do we draw the line?
Call me a realist, but I’m pretty sure that you can’t secure a plot in a graveyard for something that isn’t a physical being. The average price for a single burial plot in the US is $1500 – $2500, and that’s assuming that Taylor doesn’t want a family grave or space for previous non-physical attributes that she may have bereaved previously. Either way, it’s a large amount of money just to prove a point.
Secondly, that gravestone looks quite aged. There’s withered leaves scattered all over it, as well as some ivy growing along the sides. Ivy typically takes about three months to successfully grow on something, then a further couple of months to wither away to the form shown above. That’s the bones of half a year to get a gravestone looking in the shape it appears in Taylor’s video.
Six months ago today brings us back to February 28th 2017, also known as Pancake Tuesday. Ergo, Pancake Tuesday killed Taylor Swift’s reputation. Obesity is on the rise and the NHS will suffer.
Biting diamonds is actually very bad for your teeth and shouldn’t be encouraged by such an influential person
Cast your mind back to 2013, when Taylor Swift accidentally smashed one of her teeth onstage during a gig. She punched herself in the face with a microphone, thereby chipping one of her teeth. This was likely a costly injury to remedy, but the girl appears to have learned absolutely nothing in the realm of oral healthcare as a result.
Here she is, a worldwide famous singer, advocating the biting of DIAMONDS. These precious stones can cause irreparable damage to all that they come into contact with, but Taylor is forcefully biting them for the sake of entertainment.
It’s sick, damaging and grossly dangerous for influential young viewers, and ultimately it’s going to cost the NHS millions. I’ll certainly think twice before purchasing any future Taylor Swift albums as a result.
Snakes can’t pour tea, it is simply too dangerous
Pretty blatant example of stretching the truth here, Taylor, but not one that I’ve enough journalistic integrity to overlook. It’s a well-known fact that snakes haven’t even got the necessary appendages to pour tea.
Let’s take the tea-making process to begin with. How would a snake hold a kettle, fill it with water and then boil it? How would he/she add the correct amount of teabags to the pot and then pour the hot water into it? How would he/she find the matching cup and saucer to serve it in? Get real, Taylor Swift.
Although it’s turbo quirky and meta to embrace the entirety of the internet branding you a snake, at least put forward a minimal amount of knowledge on these carnivorous reptiles. That little twerp could’ve venomed all over that pot, you idiot. You fans are going to be drinking venom tea in a bid to be just like you. PRAY FOR THE NHS.
Taylor’s profession of love for Tom Selleck will ultimately cost us all
Firstly, why are the dancers wearing earpieces like Ant and Dec? Secondly, why are they all wearing t-shirts that profess their love for Tom Selleck? Granted, he’s a good looking man with an undeniable talent for growing a moustache, but what does that have to do with anything Taylor is trying to achieve here?
The whole concept of this music video is that she’s trying to prove herself as a reinvented character. Does this reinvention involve a deep appreciation for Magnum, P.I. or Three Men and a Baby? It’s a confusing time for Taylor to share her dancers’ love of the actor, but I respect it.
Obviously there’s a chance that TS doesn’t stand for Tom Selleck, it might just be toasted sandwiches, but that would be utter nonsense. No, it’s definitely Tom Selleck. People are going to try to swindle reconstructive surgery under the NHS so as to successfully morph into the blatant object of Taylor’s affections.
Is Taylor Swift the Second Coming of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?
We were long overdue a Second Coming of Christ, but can we be absolutely certain that it’s Taylor Swift? Let’s cross-reference the two.
Jesus had twelve loyal followers, but Taylor has 102m on Instagram and 85m on Twitter. Jesus healed several people back to health when they were otherwise incurable, while Taylor is yet to do that. Jesus once calmed a storm on the Sea of Galilee, while Taylor has actually created several shitstorms online. Jesus’ birthday is a holiday celebrated worldwide by those of his faith, whereas Taylor was born on Martial Law Victims Remembrance Day in Poland.
Need we any further proof? Taylor is deceiving us. She isn’t the second coming of Christ, she is just a singer. If you can’t see that, you probably need glasses. Who is paying for these glasses? My friend, it is the National Health Service.
Leopards don’t willingly walk alongside their deceased friends
Easily the most far-fetched scene in this music video is when Taylor walks away from an exploding car parked in front of a single shop which appears to be in the middle of a carpark, wielding a leopard on a leash whilst also wearing a leopard print jacket.
As a close personal friend of over three leopards, I know all too well that leopards simply wouldn’t stand for that kind of carry on. No way would a leopard peacefully flee an exploding car mere inches away from his friend that has been turned into a jacket. Leopards are very loyal creatures. It would’ve pounced on Taylor and mauled her to death in a bid to avenge the death of its buddy. Brush up on your leopard knowledge, Taylor.
This music video is grossly misinformed and copycat fans will likely try to recreate the above scene, resulting in life-threatening injuries and several medical procedures at the cost of the NHS.
Taylor does not have the upper body strength to lift two motorbikes at once, nor do you
Enough is enough, frankly. This music video has taken us all for a ride and it must come to a conclusion. In a final display of didn’t happen-ery, Taylor Swift appears to lift two motorbikes off the ground simultaneously. She’s 5′ 10″ and probably 9-and-a-half stone. She’s thin. There’s no way she can lift a motorbike that likely weighs close to 200kg, let alone two of them AT THE SAME TIME.
I’m all for artistic licence in music videos, but this is simply misleading. Thousands of impressionable young kids are going to be in the streets putting their backs out trying to lift motorbikes in a similar fashion. Our A&Es will be clogged, doctors won’t be able to keep up with the demand, x-ray machines will overheat and everything is going to go to shit.
Taylor Swift has destroyed the NHS. Look what you made US do, Taylor.
Images via YouTube
