The performative centaur is an absolute banter merchant
Brilliant news! The Bayeux Tapestry is coming to the UK on its holidays.
For the first time in 950 years, France is giving us a lend of this wonderful piece of embroidered cloth.
Calm your beans, it’s not coming until 2020 and needs to undergo a few tests to make sure it’s fit for travel, but at least we have something to look forward to.
For any uncultured swines, the Bayeux Tapestry is 70m long and 50cm high and it depicts events leading up to the Norman conquest of England right up to the Battle of Hastings in 1066, all told from the Norman point of view.
Looking at it in 2018, there’s some fruitful characters that I’d like to respectfully draw your attention to.
The guy who’s really bad at flirting
“May I touch your face? Your body language is telling me that I definitely should”
Rocket ticket inspector
“There’s only room for two of you on board. We can rock paper scissors it but I don’t want any whingeing”
This guy who isn’t very good in battle
“Guys is hair pulling allowed? Nobody’s answering me, so I’m doing it”
Two bros whose favourite song has just come on in the nightclub
“Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur – WITH THE FUR!”
Two dogs eating bananas together
Potassium is important to regulate blood pressure. Dogs know that.
Dude who’s trying to order a drink at the bar
“Excuse me. Sorry. Hi. No it’s fine. Yeah just a pint when you get a chance. Thanks!”
Guy that looks like a potato
He will fry for what he has done.
Two creatures that were caught SUCKING FACE
A dog and perhaps an ostrich / peacock hybrid? Either way, love is love.
The guy who’s having a really nice time in battle
It’s a bloody battle he’s embroiled in, but this guy is having the time of his life.
Two birds that are having a big fight
“That was my bread, Nigel. If you want to start a war over a demi baguette, I’ll happily go there”
A dog that is suffering from backwards head syndrome
He was born with his head facing the wrong way. 1 like = 1 respect.
A deeply intoxicated man
“Look, I’ll decide when I’ve had enough dessert wine, pal. Just do the bloody tapestry”
The waiter who’s basically running the place by himself
“No it’s fine, I’ll carry everything. My back is perfectly aligned and fit for work, as you can see”
The mother who is very clearly wearing a wire
“Let’s go apprehend some criminals, son. Remember, I am NOT a nark”
The aspiring lacrosse team
“Come on boys, the championship is ours as soon as the UK recognises this as an official sport”
Blazin’ Squad
You can see them on the back of the tapestry too if you Flip Reverse it.
The guy who stopped mid-battle to pet a horse
Although he was riding one at the time, he still pursued the affection of a second horse.
The woman losing her mind over a flying cow
“Two of his legs are blue and he is flying. George, this is one hell of a trip”
The worst hide and seek participant of all time
“Shit. He’s seen me”
A performative centaur
“Thanks for coming out tonight. As always, I will be the centaur of attention”
