This is a foolproof plan, trust us.
It was announced earlier today that over 2,000 members of the public are going to be invited to Harry and Meghan’s upcoming Royal Wedding.
Prince Harry and Ms. Meghan Markle will invite 2,640 members of the public to Windsor Castle on their wedding day to watch the arrivals of the Bride and Groom and their guests and the carriage procession as it departs from the castle. pic.twitter.com/pII5T4Ctcm
— The Prince and Princess of Wales (@KensingtonRoyal) March 2, 2018
There’s a bit of a catch, but I’m confident we can work around it.
Basically, the lucky applicants will be selected by Lord Lieutenants and will “include young people who have shown strong leadership and those who have served their communities”.
They’re also inviting charity workers, school children, royal household members and Windsor residents, so the grounds for scoring an invite is pretty broad.
I’ve devised four foolproof plans that are guaranteed to get you a place at the wedding. Simply pick your favourite and get to work, champ!
Plan #1 – Impersonate a schoolchild
BBC
The Krankies did it for years and nobody caught on, so this should be a doddle. All you need to do is shrink yourself to roughly 4″5′ and get a school uniform, preferably one with a cap to hide your ageing face. To convince people that you are legitimately a schoolchild, perhaps invest in an oversized schoolbag to make you seem studious and even smaller than you actually are.
Next, you need to prove that you’ve shown strong leadership in your community. This part is pretty simple, just stand beside the school’s lollipop lady every morning for a month. When you’ve created a close bond, ask him/her if you can have a go at holding the stop sign. Once you’ve escorted at least three fellow schoolchildren across the road, you’re now a qualified leader. If you narrowly prevent someone from being run over by a car, even better. Hear that sound? It’s the sound of wedding bells which you will hear when you attend Harry and Meghan’s big day. Enjoy the wedding, champ!
Plan #2 – Cosy up to a Lord Lieutenant
They’re a simple folk who love nothing more than being the British monarch’s personal representative in each county of the United Kingdom. So how to you impress one? Easy, you offer to dry clean their magnificent garments to gain their trust and lull them into a false sense of security with a fake friendship that is entirely based on your own personal gain.
To start, figure out which Lord Lieutenant is in charge of your county, then track down their place of residence. Next, make some business cards for your fake dry cleaning company and call around door-to-door handing them out. When you reach the Lord Lieutenant’s house, you better charm that guy like you’ve never charmed before. Create a rapport, but most importantly, secure the dry cleaning deal so you have a reason to call over regularly. Chip away at your relationship, bringing spontaneous gifts and baked goods until he eventually considers you a close personal friend (who just so happens to service the community on a daily basis). You’ll be on that guest list in no time. Enjoy the wedding, champ!
Plan #3 – Become a Royal Household member
As I’ve detailed before, it’s pretty easy to get a job as the Queen’s social media manager or official shoe breaker-inner. All you need to do is bang out an impressive application form and then wait for them to beg you to work at the Palace. At the moment, the current vacancies are as follows:
Simply apply for one of the above roles (Events Co-ordinator seems like the easiest way on to the wedding guest list tbh), take a similar approach to my application forms linked above and the job will 100% be yours.
Now, once you’re a week or two into the new role, you’re going to need to have an accident at work. Nothing major, just a broken bone or something that will impede your quality of life for a while. Rather than threatening to sue The Royals, gingerly suggest that you’d be willing to overlook the entire mishap in exchange for a front row seat at Harry and Meghan’s big day. Enjoy the wedding, champ! You’ve earned it.
Plan #4 – Convince Prince Harry to marry you instead
Not too difficult a feat if you’re a charming son of a bitch. Regardless of gender, if you believe that you can make Prince Harry fall in love in with you, who is anyone (Meghan included) to stand in the way of true love?
I recommend starting with a series of love letters. Simply profess your love for Harry in a cool and non-creepy way, subtly convincing him that he should be with you rather than that girl off Suits. Use persuasive words such as ‘Please I really need this’ and ‘I am your destiny’ to really woo him. Insider tip: Harry likes playing Fifa so maybe superimpose your head onto the players’ bodies to make him laugh and ultimately fall in love with your quirky sense of humour.
Give it a couple of weeks and Harry will be putty in your hands. All going to plan, you’ll fall madly in love and have your own whirlwind romance culminating in a proposal that you’ll sell the exclusive images of to OK! Magazine for £50,000. Enjoy your wedding, champ!
