Ever wondered what your name really means? Me either tbh.
Every name is essentially just a random combination of letters that someone forced together one day to prevent a baby from going nameless. Everyone has to have a name according to the law, especially the royal ones.
But what does your name actually mean? You hear it every day, write it down, spell it out, sometimes even tattoo it on your body if you’re forgetful, but WHAT does it MEAN?
We’ve done some research and can now put your mind at ease.
Behold the truth.
Alfie
Alfred, my friend, you are an elf. You’ve also got special powers that allow you to see into the future, but you only ever use this privilege for selfish reasons like arriving for the train precisely on time because you sensed that it would be arriving marginally early. You love Christmas and still believe in Santa Claus, but can’t tell anyone because you know it will invite some very pointed bullying given that you’re now 25. Friends find you to be a bit of a gossip, rarely sharing private information with you because they know it’ll leak. You love Domino’s and can’t stand Channing Tatum smug little potato face.
Charlie
You are, as your name suggests, a free man. Nobody can tell you what to do, besides your Mum and significant other. You live your life unapologetically putting yourself first, except when someone tells you not to. Constantly having to remind your Facebook friends that you’re a massive legend is a laborious but necessary task because we simply cannot find ourselves in a situation where someone doubts your credibility as the Inventor of Banter. You love Jägerbombs and going on cheeky weekend breaks with the boys, but you draw the line at a group sauna.
Dave
You’re fresh out of the bible my dude, an Israelite King of all people. You live your life precisely like royalty, albeit very loosely related royalty. David, you are doing your best and that’s all that matters. Life hasn’t quite panned out how you expected just yet, but there’s still plenty of time for things to fall into place. Buying a house is overrated anyway, just keep chipping away at your job and hope that the property fairy will one day bestow an entire mansion onto you, or failing that, an elderly relative’s inheritance might look after you.
Greg
You’re very watchful and alert, aren’t you? That’s a great way to be, especially when you are a bakery. You line the tummies of hungry Brits and have been doing so since 1939, you old charmer. People come from far and wide to sample your delicious treats, much to your delight. You’re a reliable soul who gets great pleasure out of making other people happy and jolly. Friends know they can count on you in times of need, as you’re always there to offer a listening ear. Nice one Greg, you’re a good egg. I approve of you.
Harry
You’re a wizard, Harry. Just kidding, you’re actually a powerful ruler, so that’s good. You’re very interested in football, which is a staggeringly quirky trait to have. Footy this, footy that, your entire head is in very real danger of turning into a football if you’re not careful. You were really good in school, naturally bright and got some very decent A level results, but you still feel unfulfilled. There’s something missing from your life, you just can’t quite put your finger on it. Keep searching, pal. One day you’ll find the accompanying paper for your ruler.
Jack
LADS! LADS! LADS! Your name doesn’t really have a meaning, so let’s just go with LADS! Mate, mate, mate, never before did a LAD LAD as hard as you do, LAD. Jack, buddy, you’re an absolute banter merchant. When you’re not down the boozer getting out of your ruddy bin, you’re at home suffering from the effects of it but heroically soldiering on. Everyone knows that what they see is what they get with you, mostly because there’s not a huge amount of depth going on to begin with. Heading to Creamfields this summer? Course you are, LAD.
Lee
Not even joking here, but your name means ‘dweller by the wood’, so that’s hilarious. You’re a bear, Lee. You live by the woods, not in the woods and not away from the woods, just by it. Being a bear, you’re instinctively very aggressive, but there’s something overwhelmingly huggable about your appearance. Everyone just wants to give you a bit suffocating cuddle, risking their lives with your blood-thirsty demeanour for some sweet sweet affection. Lee, please just let people in. We’re not all going to hurt you, nor should you hurt us. Okay? Thank you.
Mike
Michael, you cheeky bugger, you’re an archangel. Not just a regular angel, but a higher ranking one. This should come in handy when you apply for The X Factor next year for the 7th time, as they’ll surely fast-track you to the judge’s houses thanks to your heavenly status. As long as Louis becomes your mentor, everything will go swimmingly. He’s got a good archangel detector and that’s something your act is going to rely heavily on. Best of luck with your endeavours, hope it all works out for you, pal!
Nick
Nicholas, victory shall be yours because that’s what your name means. But where do your victories lie? Solely in the online landscape, unfortunately. You’re an absolute nerd who loves nothing more than cancelling plans with friends at the last minute so you can play Fornite with strangers on the internet. Credit where it’s due, you’re actually pretty decent at the game and boast the purest porcelain skin in existence because it hasn’t been exposed to natural sunlight in nigh on four years now. Each to their own. If you’re happy, I’m happy for you.
Oliver
Your name stems from an Olive tree, so basically you’re a tree. A big beefy husk of a man who is absolutely a tree. What I am saying is that you can handle your drink, so a hearty congratulations to you, sir. Being a tree, you’re big into finances. ‘Money doesn’t grow on me’, you often say to precisely no amusement from those around you. You’ve a real head for numbers and always look to turn a profit out of nothing. One day it’s going to get you into trouble, but let’s worry about those hedge funds when the Government brings them to light. Today is for living!
Tom
Big Tommo is in the house! Thomas, you name means ‘twin’ which is pretty bloody stupid considering you don’t even have one. Unless your parents have been keeping it a secret from you? Wait, what if you’re the secret twin who was given up for adoption at birth? Somewhere there’s another one of you, living most likely a better and more impressive life. Your twin probably passed their driving test first time round and has managed to stay in a committed relationship for longer than two weeks. Maybe your birth parents made the right decision in getting rid of you and keeping your twin? Sorry.
Will
Determination and protection are what we can expect from you, Willy boy, and that’s exactly what we demand. You’re a musician, judge on The Voice and also the future King of England, so that’s a fun combination. Life is eternally in the fast lane for you, young man. You love nothing more than Instagramming both before and after a gym session, because we all know it doesn’t count if you don’t document it heavily on social media. You peaked at 45 likes when you captioned a photo of yourself chugging a protein shake with ‘Where there’s a Will, there’s a whey’. Legend.
