Day 15.
We’re not even close to halfway. Buckle up because this is our life now.
Cancel all plans, put your phone on airplane mode from 9-10pm every night (except Saturday because the recap episode is trash), close the blinds, disconnect the doorbell. Sit in a dark room and immerse yourself into the Love Island. The island of eventual love. Don’t try to fight it. You’re a viewer now. The sooner you realise that, the rest of your life can begin.
Last night’s episode only started to get interesting during the last ten minutes, then it ended. We’re being teased and I don’t like it.
Here’s six *deeply* important things you might’ve missed during the show.
1. Two weeks in, the boys finally learned to say “Obviously this is just between us” before initiating a private conversation
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord and kiss a baby. It’s only taken 15 days for the puppies to learn that if they behave and do their toilet business in the right place, they will be rewarded with a treat, or something to a similar effect. Given that they’ve been going behind each others’ backs telling the girls all their secrets, it’s come as a welcome surprise that the boys have finally learned their lesson and started teeing up their salacious conversations with a quick “Don’t fucken say this to anyone you little shits”. Now they’re free to discuss their deepest, darkest thoughts. Finally, Adam can reveal that he fancies literally anyone with a vagina, a strictly confidential piece of information that nobody had latched onto thus far.
2. Wes discovered his biceps
Huge congratulations to Wes, for whom the 17th June 2018 is always going to be a memorable date with a special place in his heart. Last night on Love Island, Wes found his right arm’s bicep muscle. Seen in the above graphic, the other boys are mindlessly chatting away, but Wes is transfixed by his upper arm. He twists his wrist to get a different bulging effect from the muscle, an act he’s sure to repeat over the coming weeks and months as he settles into his new life of being aware of his biceps. It’s a special day in every young man’s life when he locates his biceps, so we’re absolutely made up for Wes. May he continue to lead a long and happy life safe in the knowledge that his body has all the relevant appendages.
3. Laura is convinced that her and Ellie look alike, but reader, they do not
I mean?? The both have long blonde hair?? And arms?? Laura spent most of last night’s episode worrying about Wes fancying Ellie because she believes that they look alike. In reality, they do not look alike in any capacity. They are two different people. It’s like Janet Street-Porter uploading a photo of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley as her profile picture on Doppleganger day. Sometimes we see what we want to see, as opposed to the cold, harsh reality. Laura doesn’t look like Ellie. Not everyone with the same colour hair looks alike. Pat Butcher doesn’t look like Laura and Ellie, nor does Barbara Windsor. Enough is enough, Laura. You are your own person.
4. Ellie is the second worst joke writer alive, coming from me, the worst joke writer alive
“I’m not feeling well, I need a shot of penis-cillin”. That’s it. That’s the joke. She said ‘penis-cillin’ instead of penicillin. It’s a very poor level of wordplay and it’s the kind of joke that, if presented in a group setting, would result in a mass groan and request for her to leave the planet immediately. But for some reason, Zara enabled her. She laughed along, queried whether Ellie had come up with the joke herself (she probably didn’t) and then made her feel comfortable enough to add a second joke. “206 bones in the human body… Do you want to give me another one?” and with that, Love Island was cancelled and taken off the air forevermore. These people are animals.
5. Zara was eating an ice lolly, but thanks to Love Island’s flawless censoring techniques, we will simply never know which one it was
Could be a Cornetto? Possibly a Choc Ice? No, silly me, it’s definitely a Solero. Zara treated herself to a cheeky little ice lolly beside the pool during last night’s Love Island, wasting no time in taking full advantage of her free holiday, accommodation and food for the next couple of weeks. Thanks to Love Island‘s flawless censoring techniques, we will unfortunately never know which ice lolly she’s eating. Look at the big black label. It is truly a mystery. It could be anything under there. A scuba instructor, a copy of The Phantom Of The Opera on cassette, maybe even the late magician Paul Daniels. We simply will never know.
6. Wes and Eyal got giddy over a prawn
Are they the dumbest boys alive? Probably. Did they get excited by a prawn, pretending it was saying ‘Bonjour’ and bobbing its little deceased head up and down? Yes. Did the new girls still want to date them after seeing such a troubling display? Somehow, yes. The guys cooked up dinner for Zara and Ellie, with Eyal serving up the shock of the night which was chicken pasta, proving that he is not a vegan. Never has someone so harshly exuded the vegan lifestyle as much as Eyal, so it was a genuine surprise to see him tucking into a plate of chicken. Wes actually produced a very decent looking dinner with salmon, prawns and noodles. Unfortunately, assuming the prawn’s nationality to be French was his biggest downfall. This show has broken me.
Images via ITV
