Predicting the new Love Island contestants’ personalities based on their promo photos

“Frankie has an extra tooth that hangs from the roof of his mouth. He calls it his “meat tooth” and only uses it when chewing particularly tough pieces of meat”

We’ve got 12 brand new Love Island contestants to judge and berate arriving on our screens tonight and I, for one, welcome our new meme targets.

But what are they going to be like? Will one of them have a mild peanut allergy? Is one of them loosely related to Tina from S Club 7? Have we got a Quaker in the villa?

Luckily, we don’t have to wait until tonight’s show to find out as I’ve already made some wild assumptions.

Occupation: Lecturer in astrophysics Pinky ring model.

Hobbies: Flirting with his mates’ mums, describing his very standard gym workout in great detail to anyone that will listen, watching Adam Sandler movies and doing his utmost to source a novelty hat on a night out.

Interesting Fact: Jack once kissed a girl while he was eating a slice of toast. They kept passing it back and forth in their mouths until it was soft enough to swallow.

Celebrity Crush: Helena Bonham Carter.

Occupation: Cruise Ship Entertainer.

Hobbies: Cutting his food into tiny pieces so he can peck at it like a bird, wearing oversized tops but undersized pants, smelling flowers that have withered away to nothing, picking staples out of local newspapers and telling people he’s a descendent of Saint Ignatius of Loyola.

Interesting Fact: Jordan still owns a pair of Heelys and uses them exclusively in shopping centres.

Celebrity Crush: Delia Smith.

Occupation: Fluffer intern.

Hobbies: Spending the weekend in the Cotswolds, trying to win free teeth whitening strips on Instagram, calling his parents “Mummy and Daddy”, stirring a teaspoon of seedless raspberry jam into his porridge for a little treat, laughing at poor people.

Interesting Fact: Frankie has an extra tooth that hangs from the roof of his mouth. He calls it his “meat tooth” and only uses it when chewing particularly tough pieces of meat.

Celebrity Crush: Queen Elizabeth II.

Occupation: Formula 1 tyre changer.

Hobbies: Meal prepping, finding rare beach shells to add to his collection, learning new languages, predicting irregular weather patterns so that he can say “Told you so” on Facebook when they arise and trying to overthrow the Sudanese government.

Interesting Fact: Dean mistakenly though that his name was actually ‘Bean’ until he turned 19. He heard his family singing Happy Birthday and when it got to the name part, they clearly said Dean.

Celebrity Crush: Rebecca Adlington.

Occupation: Weighing scales battery replacer.

Hobbies: Playing the flute, using sandpaper as a towel to toughen his exterior so that it matches his interior, cycling to the pub so he can avoid paying for a taxi, getting allergy tests twice a month in case anything new develops and referring to his Mum as “the old lady”.

Interesting Fact: Alex once thought he had contracted chicken pox for the second time but it turns out just he had 400 gun target lasers pointed at him in a case of mistaken identity.

Celebrity Crush: Tilda Swinton.

Occupation: Anchovy salesman.

Hobbies: Flossing, comparing prices of NutriBullets despite having a perfectly functioning one at home, wearing a minimum of 17 bracelets at all times to show that he has traveled and keeping spare change around his neck for the leccy meter in case it goes again because bloody Tommo (his roommate) never pays it on time.

Interesting Fact: Charlie has a lisp so severe that a doctor once described it as “like a character that had to be axed from Little Britain because it was simply too offensive to broadcast”.

Celebrity Crush: Theresa May.

Occupation: Holiday rep.

Hobbies: Suggesting doing karaoke in a nonchalant way then absolutely crushing it because she practices at home every night, calling everyone “hun” regardless of gender, taking photographs of her cat in various tiny hats and describing things as “well good”.

Interesting Fact: Savanna’s voice is so loud, she once broke the sound barrier upon learning that she won £6 on a scratch card. It later transpired that she hadn’t actually won £6.

Celebrity Crush: Christopher Biggins.

Occupation: Antibiotic resistance investigator.

Hobbies: Drawing life size sketches of horses, riding horses, looking at horses, inquiring about the price of horses, watching horse racing, dressing up as a horse, looking up indecent images of horses on the internet, accidentally consuming horse meat and watching horse-themed movies.

Interesting Fact: Grace once had a miscommunication at the hairdresser’s and ended up getting a reverse mohawk whereby there was a bald stripe down the middle of her scalp and full length hair either side. It took two years to grow out fully.

Celebrity Crush: Gene Hackman.

Occupation: Clairvoyant

Hobbies: Categorising her shoes in order of least likely to woo Jamie Redknapp to most likely to woo Jamie Redknapp, buying hand sanitiser in bulk, ignoring perforated edges because nobody tells her what to do, shaking polaroid photographs until completion.

Interesting Fact: Kazimir has a third eye but thanks to a six week course in theatrical makeup application, she learned how to perfectly conceal every part of it except the eyelashes.

Celebrity Crush: Dean Gaffney.

Occupation: Primary school teacher.

Hobbies: Helping out with local church services, stealing toiletries and loose fittings from hotel rooms, referring to cabbage as “cabby baby”, lighting incense sticks and forgetting about them for six months, holding up dangerous snakes for Instagram photos.

Interesting Fact: Darylle is actually pronounced ‘Tina’ despite its spelling. (It’s French).

Celebrity Crush: Clay Aiken.

Occupation: Baggage handler.

Hobbies: Handling baggage, buying Chupa Chups merchandise for her Chupa Chups room, tasting supermarket free samples with no intention of buying the products, telling people she’s a Quaker even though she’s not, catching Pokémon and fantasising about Javier Bardem’s hair in No Country For Old Men.

Interesting Fact: Ellie once tuned a piano entirely by the power of mind control.

Celebrity Crush: Tito Jackson.

Occupation: Miss Bognor Regis 2009, currently looking for work.

Hobbies: Exchanging cash for gold, whisking egg whites to the brink of stiffness then letting them settle, searching for missing flight MH370 on Google Earth, making patchwork quilts for homeless dogs and sautéeing toenails before putting them in the recycling bin.

Interesting Fact: Sometimes when Charlie can’t decide if she should have tea or coffee, she’ll have a glass of lukewarm gravy instead.

Celebrity Crush: Both of The Proclaimers.

Images via Love Island