Day 36.
We’re back to do it all again and ready to take on another week of meaningless Love Island content.
Last night’s episode was slightly more lively than usual, but on the whole still fairly boring.
Georgia broke her previous record by saying ‘loyal’ 2.6m times, so that will be amended before the Guinness Book of Records 2019 goes to print.
Here’s six vital moments you might’ve missed during last night’s show.
1. Someone’s Dad helped himself to a quick go round the pool
Who is that elderly greying and balding helping himself to OUR Love Island pool? Who gave him the right? Sam and Georgia were having a post-argument argument to clear up the initial argument but also follow it up with another bit of an argument because that is simply what they do. But don’t let their nonsense distract you. Who is that strange man having a splash about the pool? Do the cameramen take an early morning dip each day? Have the contestants aged 1,000 years due to inactivity and also because that is the precise amount of time this series has been on for? Probably, yes.
2. Ellie called Charlie a vagina
Nothing particularly newsworthy here, just thought it was funny. After making up following another classic Love Island senseless argument, Ellie and Charlie decided to have a very public cuddle on the lawn. As a term of endearment, Ellie affectionately referred to her boyfriend as female genitalia. This was before she learned that Charlie is worth £400m. Had she known that piece of information, it’s likely that Ellie would’ve chosen a different phrase entirely, such as “Let’s open a joint bank account” and “You can prove your for love me in ways other than words, just FYI”.
3. Upon seeing Wes mixing barbecue sauce with onions, Dani remarked that “he really appreciates flavour”
We need to get these islanders home before they lose the will to live entirely. Things have gone too far. Their minds have left Mallorca a long time ago, leaving them with little other than stupidity to operate with. Wes was preparing some onions mixed with barbecue sauce (further evidence that their brain cells have long departed), when Dani remarked that Wes “really appreciates flavour”. Gordon Ramsay needs to narrate the above scene because it’s ripe for ribbing. Barbecue sauce with onions? What’s next. Mayonnaise with ice cream? Beans on cabbage? Get these sick filths home and into quarantine for 6-8 weeks.
4. Wes cemented himself as A Proper Fucking Legend
The gang were all heading to bed, but not before Wes pulled a face that would result in the islanders’ nightmares for many years to come. All credit to the barbecued onion-loving freak, that’s an exceptional face. The kind of face you’d pull at a baby on the train when its parents weren’t looking. The baby would start crying and point at you long after the face had been pulled, resulting in the parents’ embarrassment and eventual apologies for disrupting your journey. Seemingly unperturbed, you’d accept their apology and bask in the comfort of having human contact, albeit garnered in a disturbed manner.
5. Josh walked on water and is therefore our new Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ
The islanders were having a jolly good time at the Love Island beach club when all of a sudden, Caroline Flack had the audacity to arrive via boat to do her goddamn job. Everyone jumped out of their seats in a panic, rightfully convinced that bad news was afoot. Wes stood on a small water structure, but beside him, Josh floated on thin air. He is not standing on anything, the man is walking on water. He is our new Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. We shall now take our leads from him, following his ways to enlightenment. Josh Denzel will save us all. Humanity has been saved. Finally, we can be at peace.
6. The islanders proved that they’re really shit at acting natural and are therefore likely to make Hollyoaks cameos in the near future
While they sat awkwardly waiting for Caroline to disembark from the boat and make her way up to the beach club, the islanders were very clearly told to sit and act natural, then look surprised when she popped up. Everyone pictured above, particualrly Ellie and Caz, cannot act natural for shit. Their legs are in an obscure fashion, their smiles are painfully rigid, they may have been sitting like this for up to twelve hours. It’s a mess. But with that in mind, it’s very likely that every single one of these islanders is going to be on Hollyoaks over the coming months because they’re precisely on par with the calibre of acting that the show demands. Just kidding, they’re better.
Images via ITV
