Day 44.
Mummy and Daddy have stopped fighting and everything is going to be okay. That’s the main thing to take away from last night’s episode of Love Island, and also the fact that Jack Fincham is an absolute banter merchant.
We had a lot of drama last night. Everyone was crying, it was a goddamn mess. A number of disturbing things happened which deserve examining in very close detail.
Here’s six deeply important moments you might’ve missed during last night’s show.
1. Alex and Jack overcame adversity to complete the impossible task of hugging whilst sitting in bean bag chairs
Last night’s show, much like the entirety of this series, got off to a pretty slow start. Bafflingly, it was still the night before, which means they have stretched a whopping two days of content out of one evening, which is almost admirable. Almost. Anyway, Alex and Jack were comforting each other after a troublesome night with their lady friends, when the mood struck them to have a hug. Anyone that’s ever battled with a bean bag chair will know that getting out of one is tougher than leaving Scientology. But did that stop Jack and Alex? Did it flip. They waddled to the edge of their seats, using their man power to overcome the chairs’ fondness for inertia, then engaged in a tender and loving hug. Truly, this is the Love Island.
2. Alexandra DRANK the remnants of a Pot Noodle like some kind of animal
This might be a personal grudge because a really annoying girl I went to school with used to slurp the noodle sweat at the end of a Pot Noodle and it used to turn my stomach every single day, but I’m confident that there are others like me out there. Last night, alarmingly close to bedtime, Alexandra proceeded to drink the remnants of her Pot Noodle like some kind of animal. She was having a quick slurp of noodle sweat before bed, an act that is wholly unacceptable, even if you’re the guy who got trapped by that rock in 127 Hours and was dying for water the entire time. Were I in his position, I would sooner die of dehydration than drink a warm cup of noodle sweat. Get a grip, Alexandra.
3. Even in the midst of a domestic, Jack was still a massive legend whose insatiable thirst for banter will always shine through
Jack and Dani’s argument went on far longer than it ever needed to, which means it eventually descended into a situation that was ripe for banter. Enter: Jack Fincham. Dani, in a fit of rage, announced that she would be leaving the villa and allowing Jack to continue his journey alone on the island. Obviously, this was all hype, which Jack very quickly caught onto. Asking ‘What time’s your flight tomorrow?’ was an impeccable power move and one we’ve come to expect from Fincham. The man is a turbo legend who craves banter at all times. Even in the midst of a heated argument, he is still, at his very core, a sarcastic little prick. And truth come to light, aren’t we all?
4. Jack and Dani finally had sex
Finally, the nation’s favourite couple consummated their relationship after 44 days in the villa. It all happened while they were sunbathing during last night’s show. The pair made up after their argument and were naturally feeling quite frisky as a result. Giddy with love, Dani took her right hand and slid it all the way from Jack’s elbow to his armpit. It was sensual and borderline unacceptable for pre-watershed television. But that’s it. That’s what sex is. They are no longer virgins to each other. Their bond has strengthened and nothing will come between them from this moment until death do them part. Ofcom has received 4,000 complaints because of the aforementioned sex, but refuse to uphold any because apparently it wasn’t technically sex? Weird. Anyway, congratulations to them both.
5. They put a decimal point after 19% to further body Wes and Megan because that is what entertainment is
There is a comedian working on the Love Island production team, I am 99.0% certain of it. 19% is a low number, but putting .0 at the end further emphasises how low it is. Not even 19.1% of people, not a solid 19%, but a very precise 19.0% of people surveyed think that Megan and Wes will last in the outside world. That whiteboard is a blank canvas for art and that’s exactly what is resting on it. 19.0%, as a number, is very funny. 18% or 20% just wouldn’t cut the mustard. Megan and Wes probably won’t last very long together, they don’t need a poorly named ‘Shake It Off’ task to tell them that. Anyway, a hearty congratulations to whomever added the .0% to that figure. Thank you for your contribution to this wonderful show.
6. Alex’s veins glow in the dark which is the final piece of evidence we needed to prove that he is a robot
Look at that man. You can see every vein in his entire pink body and it is not a natural thing. Forget about Alexandra’s equally veiny hand, that’s not the focus of this discussion. Alex is a robot man. His skin turns pink in the sun because the scientists didn’t get his skin pigmentation fully calibrated before he went into the villa. He talks to people like a Duolingo assessment conversation character and above all else, he is the most awkward man alive. We’ve seen him eating a Calippo with tiny lizard-like movements FFS. The man isn’t human and now his weird veins have proven it. Case closed, Doctor Alex is a robot. Bring in the dancing lobsters.
Images via ITV
