Week 4 – Desserts
Last night’s GBBO saw the contestants take on desserts, which as we all know are the only things left in this godforsaken world that are actually worth living for.
While Terry was missing from proceedings due to illness, it was still a decent episode, complete with tears, tiers, peers and a distinct lack of Britney Spears.
Most importantly, we learned that our lives are now split into two parts. The time before we saw Jon from GBBO wearing a puffy pink tutu, and the time after.
Here’s six moments that were pretty funny, if your sense of humour is that of a simple soul.
1. RAHUL! DRANK! A! GLASS! OF! MILK! TO! SET! HIMSELF! UP! FOR! THE! DAY!
During last night’s opening sequence, Rahul was his usual anxious self, describing his temperament as “a mixture of everything really, scary, exciting, nervous”. He then informed us that there is simply no better way to start the morning than with a tall glass of milk, then sipped it in real time on camera. Rahul, having already become The Most Precious Man In Britain, is now in with a very decent chance of becoming The Most Precious Man Alive. So doing something as adorable as gingerly sipping a glass of milk on camera will go a long way in his quest. It’s probably low fat as well. Jesus. Can we not just give the man his GBBO winner’s crown today and be done with it?
2. The Hollywood Handshake continued to lose all meaning
Presented with all the confidence of Chandler Bing trying to successfully pass a bribe despite having the money in his other hand, Hollywood continued to decimate the sanctity of his handshake during last night’s show. Less than twenty minutes into proceedings, he had shaken two hands and with that, the stocks plummeted yet again as the financial markets braced themselves for imminent collapse. At this rate, the next person Hollywood will be shaking hands with is the warden who escorts him to jail for failing to take this competition as seriously as he needs to be.
3. The Ting Tings made a surprise guest appearance
Much to the surprise of the GBBO contestants, The Ting Tings made an unexpected appearance in the tent during last night’s show. They turned up unannounced and mingled with the contestants, with the girl even doing some baking while the guy tried his hand at presenting. It was a heartwarming throwback to the band’s success in the mid 2000s. (The joke here is that nobody really knows what The Ting Tings look like, so I am alluding to the fact that Noel and Manon are The Ting Tings. I am a comedian).
4. Kim-Joy made an army of space turtles, which are ultimately going to lead to the demise of humanity as we know it
What good is a melting chocolate galaxy cake if it hasn’t got an army of vicious space turtles ready to be deployed at any moment? Not much good at all, according to Kim-Joy, who exercised her God-given right to be a lunatic on last night’s GBBO. Her actions are going to cost us, ultimately, as these turtles prepare to take over the human race one galaxy at a time. Look to your left, now look to your right. Can you be absolutely certain that the people sitting beside you aren’t just cleverly disguised space turtles? Stay woke.
5. Even in the presence of something as exciting as a balloon, Rahul still wasn’t having a fun time
Chocolate spheres can be made with the addition of many objects, so it was no surprise to see both Karen and Rahul using balloons to make theirs. But even in the company of such a fun item as a balloon, Rahul still looked like the weight of the world’s inequalities were resting on his tense shoulders. He didn’t crack a smile once, or even playfully bat around the balloon for a moment of relief. The man needs a holiday and I am setting up a Kickstarter immediately. Please donate as much as you can.
6. Jon dressed up as a ballerina because this show is beyond logic anymore
It’s not enough to simply bake a cake on GBBO anymore. To be in with a real chance of claiming victory, one must quite literally become the cake. If that means that a 47-year-old Welsh blood courier and father-of-four must don a ballet tutu as he presents a cake to the GBBO judges, then so be it. This isn’t amateur hour, this is the Great British Bake Off and if you’re not willing to look a right fool, you better exit the tent quietly, no not through the velcro door, go around the other side. Jesus just crawl under the side panel, stop making so much noise. Get out of here. Goodbye.
Images via Channel 4
