If there’s one thing that defines the childhood of any man, it’s grossly overpriced, single-purpose pieces of plastic: toys.
Back when we were young and still had some imagination and/or enthusiasm for life, toys were our way out of boredom and into other worlds. Then when we inevitably broke them, they were our way into endless pits of utter despair.
Still, they gave us happy memories while they lasted.
1. Darth Maul’s lightsaber
Photo: @kings_taken
Episode 1 was a six pack of wank, but Darth Maul and his double-ended lightsaber were the coolest things to come out of 1999.
2. Spider-Man Web Shooter
Photo: ldarnall74
It may have been a glorified can of silly string, but that didn’t stop you nagging your parents for one.
3. Mighty Max play sets
Photo: @ItemSplendid
Polly Pocket for the girls, Mighty Max for the lads. Isn’t gendering brilliant? Your answer will determine which century you belong in.
4. Batman Forever Batmobile
Photo: cousinsgold2011
Any Batmobile is a good Batmobile, but the Batman Forever Batmobile is the crème de la crème.
5. Power Rangers Megazord
Photo: @PowerSentai
There is literally nothing cooler than this. You could distill the pure essence of cool into a fresh new cologne and spray it all over Idris Elba, and it still wouldn’t be as cool.
6. Snakeboard
Photo: an86carrera
Snakeboard: it’s a skateboard for people who don’t want to learn how to skateboard.
7. Hot Wheels Loop Track
Photo: @derekborders
Endless loops, endless fun.
8. Stretch Armstrong
Photo: @aneesas_ne1
Fun fact: no one actually knows how far you can stretch a Stretch Armstrong. An investigation was launched in 2001, but the two scientists responsible haven’t been seen since.
9. Tracy Island play set
Photo: @ZoeVicarage
If this wasn’t top of your Christmas list for at least 10 consecutive years, what was wrong with you?
10. Nerf Vortex ball
Photo: @EricC1717
Like throwing, but better. And screamier.
11. Razor Micro Scooter
Photo: Wikimedia
The original and best. Forget these new fangled three wheel dealies, this was the shit.
12. WWF Wrestling toys
Photo: @clintonCedri / @markov2105
Rather than powerbombing your brother through the coffee table, your parents wisely decided to let you try it out on figurines of The Rock and Stone Cold instead.
13. Tech Deck
Photo: @hansrudolph32
The bane of every school teacher in the early ’00s.
14. VTech ‘computers’
Photo: @veridialtulio
Then actual computers came along and basically ruined VTech.
15. Beyblades
Photo: @kaleisutherland
Ignore the fact that you got bored with Beyblades after two battles, and instead convince yourself that you played with them for hours on end.
16. Pokédex
Photo: @HassleHurf
Pokémon Go before Pokémon Go was even a thing.
17. Screwball Scramble
Photo: @80s_Kidz
You’ve definitely thought about this game but couldn’t remember the name of it. You are welcome.
18. K’nex
Photo: @katliak
There was always a kid at school who claimed they were some kind of regional K’nex champion. Oh, that was you? My apologies, Your Grace. We didn’t realise we were in such illustrious company.
19. Yomega X-brain yo-yo
Photo: @StewieMcQ
This was the only yo-yo that mattered. Your yo-yo might have had a brain, but did it have an x-brain? No, I can’t explain the difference. No, you’re ugly.
20. Cap guns
Photo: @antiqueleaketc
Sometimes the oldest forms of entertainment are the best. Pretending to kill each other will always be popular, no matter how many iPads you chuck at us.
21. Scalextric
Photo: @PeugeotThree0
There were two kinds of Scalextrics racers: the people who squeeze the trigger as hard as they can until the car falls off, and liars.
