Professional movie criticism is great and everything (Rotten Tomatoes has saved us from dropping notes on a stinker at the cinema more times than we can count) but sometimes we just don’t have the energy for complex analysis of themes, narrative techniques and cinematography.
That’s where film buff Joe Grabinski’s brilliant Amazon Movie Reviews Twitter account comes in.
Started two years ago this month, Grabinski’s page compiles the most hilariously bad reviews – good and bad – in one long feed, and it will force you to look at your favourite movies in a whole new light.
Take Stanley Kubrick’s spine-chilling adaptation of Stephen King’s The Shining. By all accounts the film is a timeless masterpiece, but your average Amazon Movie Reviews critic is having none of it. A one-star verdict documented on the page dismissed the horror classic because of the unlikelihood that a hotel of that size would close for the winter season, given the popularity of skiing at that time if the year.
Titanic, which famously tells the true story of the RMS Titanic sinking, was rubbished on Amazon Movie Reviews because ‘this could never happen’.
You get the picture.
Some are furious, some misguided, some glowing and quite a few miss the point so spectacularly that they simply have to be a joke. Either way it’s very entertaining.
Here are some of our favourite reviews that have appeared recently on the page. Prepare yourselves.
1. Magic Mike (2012)
Magic Mike. pic.twitter.com/M589xDpYtd
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) July 26, 2016
We thought we saw his wand though.
2. The Godfather (1972)
The Godfather. pic.twitter.com/BY3nV3Slbi
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) July 25, 2016
It’s important to put things in context.
3. Room (2015)
Room (2015). pic.twitter.com/yniJjsnwgt
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) July 21, 2016
Matt is a man of action.
4. Spy Kids (2001)
Spy Kids. pic.twitter.com/sUwGqposkg
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) July 22, 2016
Nothing gets past The Dog Wiggler.
5. Kung Fu Panda (2008)
Kung Fu Panda. pic.twitter.com/nEmUSOZ1dq
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) July 19, 2016
Surprised they managed to reel you in.
6. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. pic.twitter.com/BudgHbq32C
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) July 13, 2016
If only the movie press had been this easy to please.
7. Dora the Explorer (2014)
Dora the Explorer. pic.twitter.com/XK15Ygozhu
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) July 9, 2016
This is actually a good point.
8. A Bug’s Life (1998)
A Bug's Life. pic.twitter.com/ZGij48uRy1
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) July 7, 2016
We don’t think they could have been much clearer.
9. Chicken Run (2000)
Chicken Run. pic.twitter.com/Kd2JkvoayO
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) July 2, 2016
Bloody hell. That hit hit home didn’t it?
10. Game of Thrones (ongoing, sadly not forever)
Game of Thrones. pic.twitter.com/sBqBzAOjmH
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) June 25, 2016
Consumer4220 is one of the most respected historical scholars in all of Westeros.
11. Pinocchio (1940)
Pinocchio (1940). pic.twitter.com/c6JCOO2b0s
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) June 13, 2016
How do we know he’s telling the truth?
12. Waterworld (1995)
Waterworld. pic.twitter.com/Lx9QwoObui
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) June 6, 2016
A healthy passion to have, Greg.
13. Space Jam (1996)
Space Jam. pic.twitter.com/KPCJdQhGHq
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) May 22, 2016
Not entirely incorrect, actually.
14. Zootopia (2016)
Zootopia. pic.twitter.com/U01jBQDO1P
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) May 19, 2016
Nothing says ‘sticking it to the man’ like not seeing a kids’ film because a group of women enjoyed it.
15. Alien (1979)
Alien. pic.twitter.com/7ks7lqtatR
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) May 11, 2016
TOO VIOLENCE.
16. There Will Be Blood (2007)
There Will Be Blood. pic.twitter.com/m41kA31qEe
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) May 9, 2016
Gotcha.
17. Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)
Fantastic Mr. Fox. pic.twitter.com/ieiMiYhAHj
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) April 23, 2016
Wait until you see the rest of his work.
18. Jaws (1975)
Jaws. pic.twitter.com/ucYAclqVCF
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) March 21, 2016
Not sure where Scott Parker got the time to watch all those shark explosions in between his 18 England caps.
19. Inside Out (2015)
Inside Out. pic.twitter.com/nltlzMSwtH
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) March 18, 2016
We’d wager that you might well be the last, too.
20. Jurassic World (2015)
Jurassic World. pic.twitter.com/mJJnGT0UBx
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) March 6, 2016
Agreed.
21. The Martian (2015)
The Martian. pic.twitter.com/YfFPWI2WFV
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) January 15, 2016
It also wasn’t a fucking comedy.
22. Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)
Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens. pic.twitter.com/D0BYkzQZuF
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) January 27, 2016
Literally the only bits of the film that weren’t CGI’d.
23. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. pic.twitter.com/FGz97AoCLC
— Amazon Movie Reviews (@AmznMovieRevws) December 9, 2015
We’ve got nothing…
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