1.
In England, ‘Diddy’ means: small, tiny, or the rapper P Diddy/Puff Daddy/Sean Combs/whatever his name currently is.
In Scotland, ‘Diddy’ means: a female breast.
“The gobshite shouted ‘Show us yer diddies’, so I kicked him in the shins.”
2.
In England, ‘Ken’ means: a bloke’s name, usually a bloke called (wait for it) Ken.
In Scotland, ‘Ken’ means: know.
“Ma, where’s ma train set?” “I dinnae ken, and fir the last time, am no yer ma!”
3.
In England, ‘Jobby’ means: a small job or thing that you have to do.
In Scotland, ‘Jobby’ means: poo.
“That jobby rangs, man. Ma eyes are stingin’.”
4.
In England, ‘Barry’ means: a bloke’s name, usually a bloke called Barry.
In Scotland, ‘Barry’ means: great, fantastic, brilliant.
“That unicycle’s pure barry, mate. Pure barry, that unicycle.”
5.
In England, ‘Winch’ means: apparatus that uses rope or a chain to lift or pull things.
In Scotland, ‘Winch’ means: kissing with tongues.
“Did ah see ye winchin’ wi Kirsty McCullough by the bike sheds?”
6.
In England, ‘Coupon’ means: a voucher.
In Scotland, ‘Coupon’ means: a face.
“I wis creasin’ maself when a bird shat right on the prick’s coupon.”
7.
In England, ‘Warmer’ means: hotter than the previous temperature.
In Scotland, ‘Warmer’ means: a clueless idiot that no one likes.
“Did ye see that total warmer on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Even a fuckin’ elephant wid ken it’s no bigger than the moon.”
8.
In England, ‘Brief’ means: something that doesn’t last long, or a set of instructions for a piece of work.
In Scotland, ‘Brief’ means: a car, particularly a really nice car.
“Jimmy crashed his da’s brief, he’s no comin’ oot the nicht.”
9.
In England, ‘Chum’ means: a friend or close companion.
In Scotland, ‘Chum’ means: to accompany someone.
“Aye, I’ll chum along wi you if yer off oot.”
10.
In England, ‘Hee haw’ means: the noise a donkey would make.
In Scotland, ‘Hee haw’ means: nothing, bugger all, the absence of things.
“There wis hee haw in ma bank account, so there’ll be nae haggis this month, kids.”
11.
In England, ‘Jessie’ means: a girl’s name, or the character from Toy Story.
In England, ‘Jessie’ means: a wimp or a wuss.
“Ach, away ya big jessie. It’s only a wee knife that spider’s carryin’.”
12.
In England, ‘Messages’ means: the things you get on your phone.
In Scotland, ‘Messages’ means: shopping, or shopping bags.
“I’m away fir ma messages, dinnae burn the place doon while am oot.”
13.
In England, ‘Swatch’ means: that brand of watch that everyone had in the ’90s.
In Scotland, ‘Swatch’ means: having a little look at something.
“Gie us a swatch at yer Times Literary Supplement, pal.”
14.
In England, ‘Poke’ means: gently jabbing at someone with a finger.
In Scotland, ‘Poke’ means: a portion of something.
“I’ll hae a poke o’ chips please, boss. Wi extra chips.”
15.
In England, ‘Greet’ means: welcoming or saying hello to someone.
In Scotland, ‘Greet’ means: to cry.
“There’s nae use greetin’ oer spilt Irn Bru.”
16.
In England, ‘Dinghy’ means: a small boat.
In Scotland, ‘Dinghy’ means: ignore.
“I yelled ‘Billy, yer Da sells Avon’ fae across the street, but the prick dinghied me.”
17.
In England, ‘Tube’ means: the London Underground, or a pipe of some kind.
In Scotland, ‘Tube’ means: a stupid moron.
“Get aff ma feet, ya big tube.”
