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29th Jul 2016

23 of the most ridiculous movie reviews you will ever read

The internet is a strange place.

Matt Tate

Professional movie criticism is great and everything (Rotten Tomatoes has saved us from dropping notes on a stinker at the cinema more times than we can count) but sometimes we just don’t have the energy for complex analysis of themes, narrative techniques and cinematography.

That’s where film buff Joe Grabinski’s brilliant Amazon Movie Reviews Twitter account comes in.

Started two years ago this month, Grabinski’s page compiles the most hilariously bad reviews – good and bad – in one long feed, and it will force you to look at your favourite movies in a whole new light.

Take Stanley Kubrick’s spine-chilling adaptation of Stephen King’s The Shining. By all accounts the film is a timeless masterpiece, but your average Amazon Movie Reviews critic is having none of it. A one-star verdict documented on the page dismissed the horror classic because of the unlikelihood that a hotel of that size would close for the winter season, given the popularity of skiing at that time if the year.

Titanic, which famously tells the true story of the RMS Titanic sinking, was rubbished on Amazon Movie Reviews because ‘this could never happen’.

You get the picture.

Some are furious, some misguided, some glowing and quite a few miss the point so spectacularly that they simply have to be a joke. Either way it’s very entertaining.

Here are some of our favourite reviews that have appeared recently on the page. Prepare yourselves.

1. Magic Mike (2012)

We thought we saw his wand though.

2. The Godfather (1972)

It’s important to put things in context.

3. Room (2015)

Matt is a man of action.

4. Spy Kids (2001)

Nothing gets past The Dog Wiggler.

5. Kung Fu Panda (2008)

Surprised they managed to reel you in.

6. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

If only the movie press had been this easy to please.

7. Dora the Explorer (2014)

This is actually a good point.

8. A Bug’s Life (1998)

We don’t think they could have been much clearer.

9. Chicken Run (2000)

Bloody hell. That hit hit home didn’t it?

10. Game of Thrones (ongoing, sadly not forever)

Consumer4220 is one of the most respected historical scholars in all of Westeros.

11. Pinocchio (1940)

How do we know he’s telling the truth?

12. Waterworld (1995)

A healthy passion to have, Greg.

13. Space Jam (1996)

Not entirely incorrect, actually.

14. Zootopia (2016)

Nothing says ‘sticking it to the man’ like not seeing a kids’ film because a group of women enjoyed it.

15. Alien (1979)

TOO VIOLENCE.

16. There Will Be Blood (2007)

Gotcha.

17. Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)

Wait until you see the rest of his work.

18. Jaws (1975)

Not sure where Scott Parker got the time to watch all those shark explosions in between his 18 England caps.

19. Inside Out (2015)

We’d wager that you might well be the last, too.

20. Jurassic World (2015)

Agreed.

21. The Martian (2015)

It also wasn’t a fucking comedy.

22. Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)

Literally the only bits of the film that weren’t CGI’d.

23. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

We’ve got nothing…

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Topics:

Movies