Day 31.
Oh that pesky Love Island. They’re at it again, aren’t they? Getting up to all sorts.
I’ll be honest here, I have run out of intros. There is nothing else I can add to the #discourse that hasn’t yet been said.
Let’s just get into it.
Here’s six deeply important moments you might’ve missed during last night’s show.
The gag is that they aren’t deeply important. That’s it, that’s the joke. Please do not comment that they are not important. I know they’re not. I agree with you, I am on your side here.
1. Alex’s skin colour has now been upgraded from pink to TURBO pink
Look at him, standing awkwardly among his peers, skin shining like a beacon in the night. It does not make any sense. Alex wears suncream, they all do. Yet for some reason, he looks like a slice of radioactive ham every evening. Is he not using a high enough factor of suncream? Does his skin simply reject the sun’s rays and form a very pink protest? Is his skin colour just naturally bright pink like Jigglypuff’s? Whatever the reason, we’re now in a situation where Alex is no longer pink, he is turbo pink. It’s the same as regular pink, except even more alarming. I don’t know what to do. We need a tub of aloe vera gel, a dermatologist and a very large shaded area for him to lie salmonistically in at all times. Alex ‘Turbo Pink’ Doctor is in danger.
2. Josh spent the entire evening looking like Professor Weetos
Fashion inspiration takes many forms. It can come from celebrities, magazines, television shows, YouTubers, even fictional characters devised by a multinational company to sell cereal. The latter is the case for our Josh, who spent his evening looking like Professor Weetos. It was a bold look and certainly one we’re going to see again in the future no doubt, which begs the question: Has fashion simply gone too far? Are those even prescription glasses? Now that new Alex has been booted out of the villa, perhaps Josh is vying for the title of Best Looking Glasses Wearer In The Villa, which is a bold strategy, but one that will be interesting to monitor. “Is there a Mrs Professor Weetos?” – Kaz, probably.
3. Grace gave everyone free haircuts but Alex, selfishly, has not given anyone a free checkup yet
Grace is a hairdresser, that is her chosen profession. As an undeniable humanitarian, she offered her services up to give her fellow islanders free haircuts. Frankie and new Jack jumped at the opportunity, with a suitable amount of concern that she might fuck it up, but nevertheless, she persisted. It was a noble act and one that she was under no obligation to do, which begs the question: Why the fuck has Alex been hiding his skillset for the past month? Not a sniff of a free checkup has been offered up, nor a few painkillers to the people he now considers friends. He is a selfish man and I do not want to see him prosper any longer.
4. Jack! Is! Allergic! To! All! Nuts!
This isn’t important information, I know that. But it’s exciting. Madman Jack is allergic to nuts. He might seem like a tough dude, but even a whiff of a pecan would send him into immediate anaphylactic shock, presumably. Not so tough now, is he? Changed your entire view of him, hasn’t it? Almost makes you think less of him despite him having no control over the situation, doesn’t it? Wrong. That is prejudice. Anyway, the point is that new Jack is allergic to all nuts. He cannot have peanut M&Ms, Snickers bars, Nutella, nor can he read Nuts magazine just in case it contains traces of disrespect towards women. Keep him in your thoughts at all time as he navigates his way through life without any nuts.
5. Dani signs her name like a primary school girl who’s obsessed with horses
Look at that innocuous bottle of moisturiser there, sitting down, minding its own business. I wonder who owns it though? Oh wait, there seems to be a label, why yes, it’s Dani’s moisturiser. She has signed it like a primary school girl who’s obsessed with horses and still has the mindset of a toddler. Capital D,A,N, then a lowercase ‘i’ dotted with a love heart. If we had the budget to get a handwriting analyst involved here, they’d have a field day. What does this tell us about Dani as a person? Is she obsessed with horses? I could’ve sworn I heard her say ‘hay’ a few times but perhaps it was just the common greeting ‘hey’. Guess we’ll find out soon enough when the horse task takes place.
6. Turns out Grace is actually kind of funny?
After cruelly being booted out of the villa, Frankie and Grace delivered their final piece to camera. It was never going to reach Charlie and Hayley levels of awkward, instead providing a surprising amount of banter. Grace was obviously asked about her time on Love Island and replied with, “I am coming away from Love Island with my water bottle…” and in that moment, in that very moment, it became clear that Britain had made another huge mistake. When you see the wrong people leaving Love Island, it becomes clear how Brexit happened. People are complete and utter morons and we can never escape their influence. Well done, Britain, you’ve fucked it once more. Samira is lonely again and Grace never got her chance to shine. Get out of my sight.
Images via ITV
