Here we, here we, here we fucken go!
It’s back. Finally, our lives have purpose again. Our summer evenings, rather than being spent exploring nature, gaining a reasonable level of fitness or even maintaining a social life, will be spent hunched over the TV in a dark room judging strangers’ abilities to successfully procure a shag.
Last night’s episode was the first of the 2018 series and it looks like we’ve got a very mediocre series ahead of us. It’ll be fine. We could do with a Chris and Kem, but we can probably settle for a Niall and Jack instead. Hayley might provide some unintentional gems. I don’t know, I’m trying to be positive.
Anyway, here’s 6 important moments you probably missed because you were giddy as a goat and scrolling through Twitter the whole time trying to find the dankest memes for your designated Love Island WhatsApp group. I saw you.
1. They made a dramatic intro which involves two of the girls reenacting getting their hearts broken because Love Island is savage
The new intro to the show was extremely Hollyoaks and it didn’t exactly feel necessary since we already know the islanders’ names, ages, backstories, blood type and organ donation preferences at this stage. Still, it was good to see who has the ability to act, which ended up being absolutely none of them. Poor Hayley had to reenact finding out that her boyfriend had been cheating on her, while in the ultimate act of savagery, they made Kendall film a dramatic reenactment of her engagement being called off. Meanwhile, Jack had to trip over with a couple of drinks in his hands. Extremely well done to all involved and again my condolences to Hayley and Kendall for having to relive the trauma of their respective pasts.
2. When Hayley learned that Samira was a dancer, her first question was “Can you twerk?”
Hayley. Hayley. HAYLEY. Hayley. When you meet an actor, your first question isn’t ‘Who did Othello ultimately care more about, Desdemona or himself?’ because that’s rude. You wait until you get to know that person, establish a connection, maybe even buy them 6 chicken nuggets after a night out. You don’t just blurt out your only piece of knowledge pertaining to the stranger’s career choice because that makes you look stupid, and you’re not stupid, are you Hayley? Sure, later on in the episode you asked what superficial meant, but deep down, you’ve got a brain, don’t you Hayley? Don’t you? Get out of my sight. Camilla wouldn’t stand for this and neither will I.
3. It was easily missed, but we had our first official Love Island 2018 intercourse
Huge congratulations to the unnamed couple that were spotted right after the second ad break on last night’s inaugural Love Island 2018 episode. We’re not sure of their names, or how long they’ve been together, but it’s refreshing to see them shunning societal expectations by getting it on during the first episode. Doggy style as well. More power to them!
4. Jack colossally failed at looking surprised upon learning that Dani Dyer was related to Danny Dyer
Jack, give it a break, yeah? We’ve all read the headlines for the past month about Danny Dyer’s daughter, Dani Dyer, going on Love Island. We’ve read about her one-day stint on Survival of the Fittest. We knew she was going to be there, as did you. All you want is your Blu-ray copy of Assassin signed and that’s the end of it. You don’t even fancy Dani. This is all just a game to you. Your ambitions are as bright as your teeth and nothing is going to stand in the way between you and getting a very small walk-on role on EastEnders and at least one joke selfie with Danny Dyer where you pretend to choke each other. Pull the other leg, Jack. We can see right through your nonsense.
5. Alex tried to subtly pop in his retainer before bed BUT WE SAW IT ALEX WE SAW IT
Ahahahaha look at Alex what a little wimp, safeguarding the future of his teeth WHAT A DORK. Slipping in a little retainer after lights out hoping that nobody will notice. There’s cameras everywhere, Alex. If you want to do something in private, you’re going to need to leave the villa and go back to your parents’ attic where you live because we see everything. Not only did Alex fail at wooing any of the Love Island girls, he seems to think that having straighter teeth will fix that problem. Clearly, as Jack has proven, teeth bears no influence on the object of these girls’ affections. You just need a smidge of a personality, a decent tan, some facial hair and a fully visible six pack. Is that so much to ask? Oh, you can save lives? Loser.
6. Niall delivered the facial expression of the series and is now fast-tracked to the final
Last year, Amber provided us with an exceptional array of facial expressions, proving herself to be a meme-maker’s dream. It’s understandable that this year, we’re looking to fill that important role and it may very well have already been done by Niall. Adam mooched over to Niall and Kendall who were deep in conversation about layers or some bullshit, then asked Niall to get lost so that he could put the moves on Kendall. Understandably, Niall sulked off, but not without throwing up The Facial Expression Of The Series (so far). It’s the first episode, I’m sure we’ve got a multitude of facial expressions to come, but this one was a peach and I am hereby fast-tracking Niall to the final. Congratulations, champ.
Images via ITV
