Week 8 – Doggy Business.
Yet again we were treated to this wacky bunch of candidates doing their best to avoid getting fired by whatever means possible.
As always, The Apprentice delivered 58 minutes jam packed with an abundance of cringe. From Claude accidentally revealing his true thoughts about the candidates to Elizabeth’s blatant attempt to get entered into Crufts next year, it was essential hate-watching for all.
Here’s eight cringe moments you may wish to relive.
1. Lord Sugar rang the doorbell for about three seconds solid, proving that he’s never rung a doorbell in his life
It felt like an eternity. If you do nothing else with your day, I urge you to go back to 2:48 into last night’s show and listen to how long Lord Sugar mashes that doorbell for. If an official stopwatch said it was a duration of 15 minutes, I would wholeheartedly believe it. What is wrong with Lord Sugar? Doesn’t he know that people don’t ring doorbells anymore? You sit in your car outside and text ‘Outside x’, like a normal person. This man is extremely out of touch. Cancel the show. He’s done.
2. At 8am, the candidates all look like they’ve been undergoing scientific testing to see who can go the longest without sleep or happiness
It’s incredible what a shower, some moisturiser and haircare products can do for these candidates. When Lord Sugar unexpectedly arrived at their house at 8am, it was Jade’s task to get everyone downstairs immediately, no time for preening. As the above image shows, they all need the £250k prize money quite badly so they can invest in some TLC. Poor Charles looks as though he’s just been told that his parents are getting a divorce and he has to choose which one he prefers. Andrew and Michaela look like they’ve been up all night tending to their newborn triplets.
3. Claude petted an ornamental elephant because even professional snitches need to let down their hair sometimes
The squad had just arrived at a dog grooming place and rather than buckling straight down to work, Claude took some time to delicately pet an ornamental elephant. It was quite sensual. Rather than giving it a playful rub, Claude simply gave it a firm triple tap. Perhaps he was signalling how the episode would transpire, what with three goons rightfully getting the heave-ho the next day. Or else it was just a big coincidence. Either way, Claude had his fun and that’s all that matters.
4. Claude rightfully savaged the candidates (probably)
The candidates were making their usual hames of dealing with some clients as professional snitch Claude was furiously scribbling into his snitchy little notebook that he and Lord Sugar read together over a bottle of champagne and a Matey bubble bath at the end of each task. Thanks to modern technological advancements, I’ve been able to zoom in and enhance the above frame to determine precisely what Claude was writing. As you can see, it was a very accurate assessment of the candidates’ performances.
5. James, for some reason, decided to do an impromptu woeful impression of Shaggy
James has to end every phone conversation with a Shaggy impression or his entirely family will turn to dust #TheApprentice pic.twitter.com/wwNrbbOmgd
— JOE.co.uk (@JOE_co_uk) November 22, 2017
In a totally normal and cool way to act, James finished a successful phone call and then turned to his fellow candidates and said “All about the moneys” in a very Shaggy-like manner. He had just made a sale for a staggering £45, so was understandably feeling quite giddy. With good spirits on his side, James turned to Harrison and unleashed this deeply troubling impression of Mr. Boombastic and then continued about his business. Lord Sugar, please, fire them all. This is excruciating.
6. Elizabeth showed great promise on the doggy obstacle course and should really consider entering Crufts next year
Even though the course had already been professionally set up, Elizabeth still went ahead and rearranged the entire thing before giving it a quick once-over herself. She was remarkable. Her pace was perfect, she weaved her way around those obstacles like a pro and barely even broke a sweat in the process. If she gets booted off The Apprentice, Elizabeth should strongly consider entering Crufts. Based on what we saw last night, she’s in with a real shot of coming away with a medal. Just look at that posture!
7. Karren Brady stood back and watched the candidates picking up dog and bird shit LIKE A GODDAMN QUEEN
Professional snitch #2 had an understated presence in last night’s instalment of The Apprentice. She, unlike Claude, wasn’t seen giving an ornamental elephant three sturdy pats. Instead, Karren donned what I’m assuming to be a pair of sunglasses that cost more than my weekly wage and stood in the garden with the wind whizzing through her hair as the candidates scooped up roughly the same amount of shit that they then went on to speak in the boardroom. What a glam snitch.
8. Charles looked like a local MP who’s campaigning for a better selection of biscuits in the corner shop
Mr. Burns for some reason decided to wear an eyesore of a pocket square on judgement day because he clearly wanted to be fired. Pair that with his Tory blue tie and outrageous glasses and what we’ve got here is a very ambitious looking member of parliament that’s trying to make some small changes with a view to making a real difference on a much larger scale. Unfortunately, this MP got the sack because his supreme ruler finally came to the conclusion that he would be much better suited as literally anything else other than being his business partner. Farewell Charles, Godspeed. Also pour one out for our fallen Anisa and Andrew. May they find success elsewhere.
All images via BBC
