Someone hadn’t to do it.
Everything’s coming to an end later tonight and it is truly devastating.
To take my mind off the impending sadness that is sure to ensue at around 11pm tonight, I’ve decided to rank every Love Island contestant this year. It’s an unnecessary job that literally nobody was crying out for me to do, so naturally I have done it regardless.
In the interest of housekeeping, I’ve omitted the contestants whose Love Island lives were short-lived during the second villa period (Casa Amor) because we didn’t really get to know them and life is too short to fake knowledge about people you couldn’t point out in a police line up.
26. Chyna Ellis
She’s since turned into a massive legend after leaving the island, just kidding, apparently she’s with Jonny now. Chyna didn’t offer up a huge amount of personality during her short stay in the villa. She threatened to break up Kem and Amber, but luckily true love prevailed and she was sent packing. She’s probably a very nice girl and undoubtedly has fantastic hair (this was confirmed by Kem, an actual hairdresser), but in terms of a memorable Love Island character, sadly someone has to come last and that someone is you, Chyna.
25. Danielle Sellers
There was potential for Danielle to turn into a good Love Island contestant, but her time was sadly cut short when she made it into the villa after initially spending a couple of days in Casa Amor. She was essentially Jonny’s ticket back into the villa because he expected Camilla and Tyla to both couple up with someone else. It was an uncertain time when Danielle came in, so she wasn’t given the same opportunity to thrive as the others. Her flirtationship with Nathan was fun to watch, but they were absolutely never going to work. She’s fallen victim to a low placement due to her restricted time on the island.
24. Harley Judge
Wait, who? Oh yeah, the guy that got voted off the island in the first week. He was served a great injustice after Camilla picked Jonny over him (didn’t that turn out well?), so was in a tricky last man standing situation, a position we’ve all been in during PE class. He didn’t get a huge amount of airtime and therefore I feel like we don’t really know his personality to this very day. Harley’s Instagram post where he promised to “stay humble” after his twenty minute stint on Love Island was incredibly amusing, so we must thank him for that at least.
23. Simon Searles
The barber from Leeds was eyeing up Montana from the start, but then created a sizeable amount of tension when he decided to go for Tyla. Having spent his nights coupled up with Montana, she was suitably furious and took a vow of silence against him for approximately 24 hours. That was Simon’s main downfall because at the time, Montana was a national treasure. Simon learned the hard way that if you keep playing with feathers, one day you’ll get your arse tickled. His personality never really got the chance to shine through because he spent his remaining time trying to keep everyone happy.
22. Nathan Joseph
I have no doubt that Nathan was actually a very funny guy, but he just didn’t get enough airtime on the show. He was a latecomer and was used as Amber’s insurance to remain on the island while her and Kem were having a bit of a wobbler. He seemed to genuinely like Amber, but she had weeks of undeniable chemistry with Kem that refused to budge from her thoughts. Nathan had a good rapport with Danielle, as they furiously tried to flirt their way past being voted off, but they fell victim to their ill established popularity due to being newbies. Wherever Nathan is, I hope that he is happy.
21. Tyne-Lexy Clarson
A name that will never be forgotten, but sadly without the personality to match it. Tyne-Lexy struggled to find love on the island, which resulted in her suffering a low amount of coverage on the show. She arrived with Gabby and they both worked their way through the boys whose interest tended to lie elsewhere. The arrival of Mike sparked some interest for Tyne, but he was unfortunately more attracted to literally everyone else on the island. She was a decent contestant, but nobody was overly distraught when she left the villa. Apparently she’s with Harley now, which proves that their is light at the end of the tunnel? I dunno. Good for them.
20. Alex Beattie
#19 is a generous placement and he is here purely because he has received a lot more airtime than the contestants that are listed before him. As an islander, Alex never brought anything of note to the viewer. He tamed Montana and in a way, suppressed her antics ever so slightly. She somehow became less popular when she settled down, which Alex unfortunately must accept half of the blame for. As a person, he’s very quiet and subdued, which is fine in the outside world, but for reality television we’re looking for a fucking lunatic to tweet mean things about and make countless memes that distract us from our impending mortality. Sorry Alex.
19. Chloe Crowhurst
Chloe reminded me of that girl in school who was quite popular but deep down a messy bitch who lived for drama. She was somehow always at the centre of every bit of controversy that occurred in the villa, often putting a solid amount of fuel into the fire. The most exciting thing she did was kiss the face off Mike when he left the island, then never spoke to him again when they were both on the outside. If she stuck around a bit longer, it’s likely she would’ve found love on the island, probably with herself.
18. Craig Lawson
I still have nightmares about Craig Lawson and his undying instantaneous love for Camilla. In a way, we must thank him for building Cam back up after taking such a beating from Jonny’s rejection, but also he was a bit fucking full on. He landed in the villa and went straight for Camilla. It was never going to work. They’re from two different worlds. Craig dips carrots in his hummus, Camilla uses an assortment of crudités. Ultimately, Camilla let him down incredibly respectfully and gently, but if I was her, I’d be putting the alarm on every night when she gets back to the UK.
17. Dom Lever
He comfortably coupled up with Montana as if it was love at first sight when he entered the villa, then very quickly jumped ship to Jess once she showed an iota of interest. It was hard to believe that any of his feelings were genuine after that point, but he seemed to really care for Jess in the end. When she was voted off the island, there was no reason why Dom stayed in the villa. He should’ve left on the spot, but for some reason he lingered around like that guy at Uni who graduated two years ago but still turns up at every event. Go home, Dom. Be with your lady!
16. Georgia Harrison
Had she been in the villa from the beginning, Georgia would’ve undoubtedly been a beloved contestant. Unfortunately, she didn’t arrive until close to the end, when a lot of couples had already been formed. The islanders, particularly Amber, were really harsh on her when she chose Kem to couple up with. But somehow, she prevailed and became a good source of entertainment on the island. Her and Sam’s relationship seemed to be borne out of convenience rather than love, but she was a solid islander nonetheless.
15. Jess Shears
She was the first outsider to enter the villa and all credit to the girl, she wasn’t prepared to sit back and endure any hostility from her new housemates. She instantly created beef with Montana by choosing Dom as her other half, which made for brilliant television. Her and Dom’s relationship was a strange one to watch, as it started to show traces of fake romance early on. She was fiery, never took criticism sitting down and was always up for a laugh. Jess definitely set an example of how to enter as a latecomer and still establish yourself as a viable contestant.
14. Tyla Carr
I wanted to place Tyla lower in this list, but we need to take into account the entertainment she unintentionally created. Without Tyla’s arrival on the island, we never would’ve known that Jonny is a massive snake and Camilla is the most graceful lady to ever walk this Earth. Tyla was an unlikely villain who unintentionally stirred the pot with her insatiable good looks yet ensuing paths of disaster all around her. When Jonny left and she instantly hopped on Mike, there was something deeply thrilling about the entire situation. Kind of a terrible person, but a glorious reality TV contestant.
13. Gabby Allen
Gabby is a very nice girl, but that’s precisely her downfall as a Love Island contestant. She entered the villa, assessed her options and then decided that Marcel was the one for her. Their relationship was always very straightforward and uncomplicated, which is great for her but makes for quite boring television. Their role as the problem-solvers got a bit tiresome towards the end, and at times a bit condescending. Whatever the fuck went on with that lie detector test was the most excitement they went through as a couple, but annoyingly, true love prevailed. Ugh, boring.
12. Jamie Jewitt
Similar to Gabby, Jamie has fallen victim to failing to break the top ten because he is just too much of a nice guy. He played it cool throughout his time in the villa, quickly settling for Camilla and treating her right. He’s never called anyone a bellend, he regularly gives good advice and he somehow convinced lady Camilla Thurlow to have sexual relations ON THE TELLY. He’s a gentleman and impossible to fault, which makes him a dream in the real world, but a tiny bit underwhelming on a reality TV show.
11. Sam Gowland
Poor Sam hadn’t the best start to his time on Love Island when he was dumped by Olivia, then Montana after she tried her absolute best to forge a fake relationship with him. On more than one occasion we heard that Sam uses ‘too much tongue’, which will forever be ingrained in our memory, whether we like it or not. Sam was good for entertainment value, his feelings shifted around that villa quicker than Montana’s vocal pitch when she got a text. He was a good lad, but also didn’t really need to come back for a second run, we got all the closure we needed the first time around.
10. Mike Thalassitis
Muggy Mike, the man that created more stirrings than a hot chocolate factory and we are forever indebted to him. He arrived on that island and not a man, woman nor child was safe from that moment onwards. As a person, he was duller than dishwater, but as a vibrant sexual being, he was rampant. Olivia very nearly pied off Chris for him, Jess considered pieing off Dom, Tyla extremely pied off Jonny for him, Georgia hadn’t anyone to pie off but she was very much into it. Mike brought temptation to the villa at a time when things started to get a bit boring. Every reality TV show needs a Muggy Mike.
9. Montana Brown
Montana had a very promising start on the island. She was coupled up with Dom and it appeared that they would soon plan their Spring wedding, but then disaster struck with the arrival of Jess. She was dumped and everyone felt sorry for her, which she capitalised on and gained a lot of fans. Everyone could identify with her, the poor girl who was tossed to the side when something more shiny came along. Montana lost a lot of her appeal when she and Alex got together because she became a bit too boring for our liking. She was still a brilliant character on the show and had some killer one-liners, but unfortunately she gets a generous #9 position in this list because she lost momentum towards the end.
8. Amber Davies
Two weeks ago, I would’ve put Amber far lower on this list. She was a bit of a player during the initial few weeks in the villa. She knew that she could have Kem, so decided to shop around and see what else took her fancy. Amber tried to stir up quite a bit of controversy between herself and Kem, and it genuinely looked like they were completely finished when the villa divided into two. However, true love prevailed and they got back together. Their feelings turned out to be genuine and Amber really mellowed out at that point. Towards the end, she’s been fun and a good source of entertainment on the island. Also, we need to award her some special recognition for the countless catchphrases she’s introduced to the villa. Thank you Amber, we are forever indebted to you, 100%.
7. Jonny Mitchell
I know, I know, how dare I place this dark stain of humanity within the top ten. Well, hear me out. If we’re looking for entertainment value here, Jonny brought hours of action to that villa. His and Camilla’s initial stages of their relationship were very cute to watch. They were both a bit shy and awkward about things, which made for endearing viewing. Then, like a true villain, he went and strayed away from the island’s most precious inhabitant.
He was hated, disgraced and turned into countless memes. Flash forward a few weeks later and the girl he gambled it all for is having second thoughts. He sacrifices himself so that she can remain on the island, and she throws herself at the next available piece of meat that walks through the door. In terms of a character arc, Jonny was value for money. He went full circle and by Christ did we get our memes worth out of him.
6. Marcel Somerville
He was in fucking Blazin’ Squad. Marcel brought that group of cheeky boys back into the forefront of society, right where they belong. He was a champ throughout the series, taking it all on the chin when nobody stepped forward for him on the very first day, then patiently waited until the right girl arrived on the island. Marcel offered endless advice to his fellow contestants and was always the one to diffuse potentially fiery situations. The guy oozes cool and kept things ticking over nicely. He loves Gabby an insane amount and the fact that they both managed to abstain from any activities while everyone around them was getting busy says a lot about the strength of their relationship. Marcel is a dude and I cannot wait to see what life presents to him at this important crossroad. *cough* Blazin’ Squad reform *cough*
5. Olivia Attwood
Another controversial placement, but I shan’t apologise for this one. Olivia has provided us with non-stop drama and ensuing office conversations on that godforsaken island. This is her formal recognition and I am prepared to give it to her. Olivia started out the show admitting that she is the female version of a fuckboy. She set out to change that and it appears that she genuinely has. Her and Sam were never going to work, so when Chris came onto the scene, it was fucking exciting.
There were countless hiccups along the way, but Olivia always knew that she had found herself a winner in Chris. They worked hard at their relationship and fought more often than not, but look at them now. Olivia never lost her sense of humour, providing us with some excellent beach hut confessions and brand new terminology (dicksand), and the show would’ve been fucking boring without her. She’s not a perfect person, but she’s exactly the kind of character that’s integral to making a show like Love Island such a banger of a programme.
4. Camilla Thurlow
She’s been a divisive character on this year’s Love Island, but my fondness for her has never faulted. Camilla has remained true to herself throughout the entire process and dealt with a large amount of shite along the way. It took her a lot longer to get comfortable in front of the cameras compared to her fellow islanders, so it was heartwarming to see her and Jonny eventually getting close to each other. Just as things seemed to be going somewhere, Jonny shat all over their relationship and went for Tyla. Camilla was devastated, but somehow managed to pick herself back up and keep going. Craig deserves a nod here for helping Camilla to get her groove back. Then along came Jamie who is precisely what Camilla wanted and deserved all along. Now she’s in the final and has a very real chance of winning. She’s a great role model, proving that in a world of Montanas, Ambers and Olivias, we should all be a Camilla.
3. Theo Campbell
HEAR ME OUT, hear me out. Theo was fucking hilarious. He went into that villa giving very little shit about anyone other than himself. He was determined to steal someone else’s girl and credit where it’s due, he tried his absolute hardest. The entire country was livid with Jonny’s pieing of Camilla and Theo was determined to make him look like a tuna melt. Unfortunately, his best efforts didn’t secure Tyla’s heart, but he had a good run (pun intended).
He was great banter, jumping over swimming pools and whatnot. If nothing else, he upset Jonny to the point that we got to hear a very posh altercation between the two and it almost looked like they would have an even tamer scuffle. Theo was funny, a lunatic and was absolutely not there to make any friends. The icing on the cake was when he suggested that Tyla should leave the villa with Jonny ‘if she really cared about him’, which we were all fucking thinking at the time. Theo was a shit-stirrer and came along at precisely the right time, he wasn’t a bad guy, he was thrown into the villa at a stage where pretty much everyone was coupled up anyway. He had absolutely nothing to lose and he gave us all a much-needed laugh. Theo you are my #3 best contestant on this year’s Love Island and I am sticking with this controversial decision.
2. Kem Cetinay
Obviously I cannot have a tiebreaker situation for first place, but please know that there wasn’t a huge amount between Kem and #1 below. Kem was a fucking champ throughout this series and I feel grateful that we all got to experience the wonders of his personality together. The love bracelet was an excellent source of entertainment, as was the time he went behind Chris’ back to put a rap together with Marcel, then felt bad so gave Chris the extremely important job of introducing the act and saying the last line.
His relationship with Amber was quite ropey at times, with Kem determined to do some ‘dusting’ in Casa Amor with literally any of the new girls that would have him, but when he returned to the villa, he only had eyes for Amber. I’ve a suspicion that himself and Amber will win tonight and I won’t begrudge them for a second. They found love and both had a very decent all-expenses-paid summer holiday together in the process. Kem is a champ and if he doesn’t call his hair salon ‘Kem On In’, then what is the fucking point?
1. Chris Hughes
The absolute boy, there can be only one. This adorable polar bear has kept us entertained from the day he set foot in the villa and the whole series would’ve gone to shit if it wasn’t for him. He’s an endearing man child who, at his very core, is destined to play an important role in the rap game. Chris thrived with Cash Hughes, a plastic baby that quite literally brought him to tears during their time together. His love for Kem is far greater than his love for Olivia, something everyone needs to simply acknowledge and get comfortable with.
He befriended Liv’s freckles, along with everyone else on the island and coined the majestic nickname for Muggy Mike. Even when his time on the island was troublesome, Chris still somehow managed to remain positive and upbeat, spitting rhymes and describing garlic to a Spanish supermarket worker as ‘garlickio’. He believes that Jason Staythumb is the correct spelling of that name and will one day marry Kem, producing the most beautiful and progressive family the world has ever seen. Chris, you are the #1 Love Islander this year and maybe of all time. Congratulations.
All images via ITV
