Love Byeland.
After 43 episodes of televisual perfection, everything came to a close tonight with Kem and Amber being crowned the eventual winners of Love Island 2017.
The finale was a fitting end to the past seven weeks, with the islanders having a fun-filled day before they found out their fate.
Yesterday started with the islanders being taught how to tango, which allowed Marcel to secure his position as the best tango dancer in Blazin’ Squad (probably).
Next, the girls headed off dress shopping for the Love Island prom, whilst the boys had to articulate their love for their other halves in written form, hunched together in the confines of their communal bedroom. Meanwhile, the girls got to prepare their declarations in matching dressing gowns as they sipped Prosecco at an undisclosed luxurious location, but let’s save that equality discussion for another day.
Everyone scrubbed up impeccably for the prom, as the girls forewent a selection of hideous frocks in favour of a range of stunning ballgowns. The guys were suited and booted, somehow all managing to look like they were attending a sibling’s wedding, yet itching to get into a pair of trackie bottoms as soon as Mum says it’s ok.
The declarations of love were genuinely touching, but it was a massive shame they didn’t get their feelings across through the art of rap music, particularly because it had played such an important role in this year’s Love Island.
Our four final couples tangoed their way into the night, complete with a rousing dance routine to ‘Despecito’, as the inventors of tango themselves intended in 1880 when they founded this special partner dance.
Unlike traditional proms, the night didn’t end in several virginities being lost and a sizeable amount of puking after too many blue WKDs. Instead, the finalists of Love Island 2017 were gathered together one final time for the winners to be crowned.
Caroline chatted to each of the couples as they nervously sat around the fire pit sipping their regulation one glass of alcohol per night.
We saw a recap of the past 7 weeks, which if nothing else reminded us all of how precious Chris Hughes is and that we must protect him at all costs.
Finally, we reached the point where the winners were revealed. Marcel and Gabby came 4th and rather shamefully, nobody thought to console Marcel by letting him know that all good things come in 4s (crossroads). Chris and Olivia came 3rd and were finally reunited with Cash Hughes. Caroline had a quick chat with Kem, Amber, Camilla and Jamie, then the winners were crowned.
Love Island 2017’s well-deserved victors were, of course, Kem and Amber.
After that, they both picked an envelope. Amber’s had £0 in it, which meant Kem potentially had the £50k to himself. Naturally, because he is a gentleman, Kem decided to split the money with Amber rather than keeping it all to spend on himself, Chris and Cash Hughes’ burgeoning rap careers.
So that’s it. It’s all over. Done. Finito. Life goes back to normal and I need to look for a new job because I have nothing left to write about.
Thank you Love Island for providing us with seven glorious weeks of highly addictive trash television.
All images via ITV
