Day 15
Last night’s I’m A Celeb was truly, from start to finish, utterly insane.
Fleur took part in the most ridiculous Bushtucker trial yet, stealing the title from the previous trial, which up until last night’s show was the most ridiculous Bushtucker trial of all time.
Nick Knowles showed that his gifts extend solely to DIY and nowhere near demonstrating useful exercising routines, John Barrowman went and hurt his bloody ankle and Anne Hegerty lifted the lid on some of the seedy background antics of The Chase‘s Chasers.
The lols, they simply did not stop coming.
Here’s six moments that were HiLaRiOuS*
*results may vary.
1. Nick Knowles absolutely fucked his workout
DIY guru Nick Knowles was bragging about his morning workout, when it transpired that he had done it all from the comfort of his jungle bed. Doing sit-ups on a bed is like going for a run using an adult scooter. It doesn’t count, Nick. Your body will reap no benefit from this pointless endeavour. This is performative exercise, like those guys in the gym that walk around smugly drinking a fluorescent protein shake for twenty minutes, lift precisely four weights while grunting for attention, take a selfie in the mirror, then head home for a quiet evening filled with crying and stalking their ex on Instagram. Get a clue, Nick Knowles.
2. It both looked and sounded like the nation was watching porn last night
If you caught I’m A Celeb last night, there’s a very strong chance you had to turn the TV volume down so your housemates / family members didn’t think that you were watching porn at 9pm on a Sunday evening. Fleur East took on one of the grimmest challenges we’ve seen so far, which she eloquently moaned her way through. With every beating the piñatas took, Fleur let out a guttural grunt that is undoubtedly going to be used as a sound byte in the adult film industry. For many of us, a tough decision was made when we were asked “What’s going on in there?” while watching last night’s show, where we had to make the difficult choice in informing our loved ones that we were watching I’m A Celeb. For many, admitting to watching porn was the less shameful option.
3. Desperate and starving, Fleur took a quick rotten cheese break during the Bushtucker trial
We’ve all been there – you’re stranded in the middle of the Australian outback with nothing but beans and rice to keep you going. Then the British public vote for you to take part in a Bushtucker trial which involves being surrounded by insects, bugs and rotten food as you batter the living daylights out of an assortment of piñatas. You’re weak, so you sample a bit of gone off cheese, safe in the knowledge that most cheese smells like it’s gone off anyway. That’s what Fleur did and frankly, I applaud her valour. Get it, girl. Sustenance is not a joke. Beat the I’m A Celeb game by actually enjoying the Bushtucker trials. That’ll show them.
4. Anne revealed The Chasers’ secret handshake and it is, as expected, incredibly nerdy
John and Emily reached ‘inventing secret handshake’ levels of boredom on last night’s show, to which Anne offered up an anecdote from The Chase, which is certainly in the top ten categories of anecdotes currently in circulation today. She revealed that the Chasers, before the final chase, all pile their hands up on top of each others’, then push down and say ‘Batter them!’ which is just about the most adorably nerdy thing I have ever heard. Of course the Chasers don’t do anything as cool as a fist bump or grab each others’ leg behind their back, heavens no. They simply say ‘Batter them’, then go out into the live studio with Bradley Walsh as their witness, and do exactly that. A purer quiz show you simply will not find.
5. The celebrities all waved goodbye to their dignity after shitting in the same bucket for 15 days
It takes the average celebrity 15 days to lose their dignity, a theory which was proven correct during last night’s I’m A Celeb as the campmates gathered together beneath the bridge to see their respective dignities off. It mostly boils down to the act of shitting in a communal bucket that sees the average celebrity’s dignity reserves depleted, which they excitedly waved away during the show. Now they are free, dignity-less and can begin the second halves of their lives. We wish them all the best of luck on their new and undoubtedly thrilling adventures that lie ahead.
6. Malique necked his complimentary glass of champagne because he’s an absolute lad who craves banter at any cost
Big bloody lad Malique on national television at 8.09am in the morning necking a tall, frosty glass of complimentary champagne because that is simply how he operates. The man cannot contain his thirst for banter. Now that he has successfully escaped the confines of the I’m A Celeb jungle, Malique is free to get back to doing whatever it is that he does. Hollyoaks! That’s right, he does something on Hollyoaks. Congratulations, Malique. You lasted an impressive 15 days deep in the Australian jungle and somehow managed to speak fewer than 18 words in that time. You will be missed by the two Hollyoaks fans that watched the show and one person who misheard and thought it was the comedian Mo’Nique.
Images via ITV
