Do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do do (Strictly theme song)
Strictly starts on Saturday night, which is excellent news for your Mum, all of her friends, your Nan(s), aunties and all of their friends as well.
But whomst will triumph this year and take home the highly coveted Strictly trophy? Does it even matter since we’re all going to die anyway?
Rather than sitting through thirteen weeks of celebrities trying to dance but also seem relatable and endearingly clumsy at the same time, simply peruse the following predictions and choose to believe my findings rather than waiting for the inevitable outcome.
The process is simple, I have determined the winner of Strictly 2018 based on nothing more than the participants’ promotional photographs.
Behold the truth.
15. Graeme Swann
“Hi folks, welcome to Jamie’s Italian. Our specials today are freshly cooked Penne Arrabbiata and a pan fried Dover sole with a white wine reduction. I’ll just grab you a couple of menus, but in the meantime can I start you off with anything to drink? Maybe just some water for the table? I reckon you’re after a chardonnay, am I right in saying that? Hahaha of course I am.”
Graeme will not be winning this year’s Strictly, as he is destined to be an extremely proficient waiter based on the above promotional image. Don’t let his confidently pointed toe fool you, the cricketer is nervous beyond belief. His smile might be playful, but his eyes expose Graeme’s lies. He’s not into the spectacle that ballroom dancing demands. The concept of a fake tan is alien to the man. He’s going to have a suncream-laden nose on the first show out of habit. This is simply not the way for our Graeme. He will bow out with dignity and a mildly bruised sense of self.
14. Dr. Ranj Singh
Dr. Ranj has just arrived at a surprise birthday party that his friend accidentally blurted out hours before they got there. He was sworn to secrecy, forced to act thoroughly shocked when he arrived so that nobody’s feelings would be hurt. “Oh wow, this is so unexpected. You really got me! What a treat!”, he says, as he pulls the above pose in a bid to seem naturally surprised.
If you’re trying to convince the world that you’re going to win a dancing competition, a good idea is to under no circumstances produce finger guns, especially not when you’re being photographed for said dancing competition’s promotional content. Even if the finger guns are relaxed and facing outwards, they are still prohibited. This is like holding a steering wheel with one hand in your driving licence photograph. Dr. Ranj should know better. He’s doomed, but undeniably a very sharp dresser.
13. Lee Ryan
“Evening folks. Ooh, you got a proper naughty tan in the sun today, nice one. Can I interest you in a karaoke bar this evening? It’s only €10 in, then you get free Sangria all night and you can both do as much karaoke as you want. There’s even a raffle at the end of the night where you can win a genuine Gucci watch and two of the holiday reps will snog you. Cash only, what do we think folks?”.
Lee Ryan won’t be winning Strictly this year because as evidenced in the above photograph, he is a holiday rep by day, bar hype man by night. He will give you his literal pants to get you into the club because he needs that sweet commission and is prepared to go to any length to get it. Fun fact: If Lee Ryan appears on just 1 (one) more reality television show, he will get a free regular sized coffee of his choice.
12. Susannah Constantine
“Come on in girls, Jenny’s upstairs still getting ready AS USUAL. Join me in the kitchen, I’ve had a sherry and was just thinking of opening a bottle of Prosecco. What’s on the cards for tonight anyway, got any boys on the scene? You can tell me, I’m not going to say anything. I hope you’re not going to do any drugs, nasty things. Where did you get your top, Megan? It’s gorgeous. Pity I can’t wear anything like that anymore, too old! Haha.”
Susannah will struggle to triumph in this year’s Strictly as she is literally your friend’s Mum in the above image, who’s desperately clinging to her youth through her daughter’s friends’ escapades. Look at her deliberately dainty left ankle, this is a performance. Susannah is the epitome of a wine mom here. Can she dance? It doesn’t matter, she’s going to be sneaking in the back of the taxi into town over the piercing screams of her own daughter’s mortification. “You not going to ID me as well then?”, she jokes to the wholly unimpressed nightclub bouncer.
11. Danny John-Jules
“I want to see every single one of those hands up in the air, even you sir. Now, I heard the bride likes the sweet sounds of Carlos Santana featuring Rob Thomas. We’ll you’re in luck, sweetheart, because the band and I have been practicing and we’re going to rock your garter off with this one. Everyone on the dance floor, no excuses. Grandma included. Let’s go!”.
Danny is a wedding band frontman in the above image and there is very little that can be done to convince anyone otherwise. We’re seeing a return of the Strictly finger guns, which suggests that he and Dr. Ranj are in cahoots already. The bowler claws back some credibility to Danny’s pose, but he is still very much a wedding singer. Who is he pointing at? His chances of winning Strictly? Because they are non-existent? Probably. Sweet suit though.
10. Faye Tozer
“Yes girls! Come on! This is my hen party and I wanted to do pole dancing, so can everyone stop moaning and just start enjoying themselves? See, it’s not that hard. You just have to privately take pole dancing lessons for six months leading up to this seemingly off the cuff group activity, then get a pole installed in your house so that you can practice on it every night. Easy! This is so much fun!”.
Faye is too competent in the above photograph and that’s going to work against her. She’ll get cocky, maybe try to get 10s across the board from week one. She’s going to peak far too soon and end up exhausted from overexertion. Those are expertly twirled tassels. It’s organised chaos. Faye’s going to fall short of the final due to her overly dainty hands, you can practically smell it.
9. Joe Sugg
“What do you mean I can’t get in with these shoes? First of all, I’m of age, as my ID proves. Secondly, I am not drunk. So if you are going to refuse me from this institution on the grounds of improper footwear, I will be forced to take legal action. Look at me, I’m the sharpest dresser in this dump. You let a guy in ahead of me that was wearing fur-lined loafers. Is that really the clientele you want on site, as opposed to Converse-sporting cool kids like me? Unbelievable.”
Joe is moments away from toppling over in the above image. His left foot isn’t even touching the ground, it’s just hovering awkwardly above it like a frigid teen’s hand behind their favourite celebrity’s back when they’re getting a selfie. Securing his thumbs in his pockets is proving to be a decent effort in steadying himself, but it can’t hold up for long. Joe can’t win Strictly because he is not very good at balancing, basically. Unlucky, pal.
8. Lauren Steadman
“Look girls, I’m not trying to cause hassle, but we didn’t all have a starter, so splitting the bill just doesn’t make any sense. Jessica didn’t even have wine. I think the best idea is for us all to individually add up what we owe, then add £2 gratuity on top of that. The staff seem nice, I’m sure they’ll have no issue splitting it onto nine separate credit cards in varying amounts. We’re paying customers, that’s how it works.”
Lauren’s given us a decent effort, but she’s very much in control of the situation. Unlike some of her fellow competitors, she’s kept things relatively simple, allowing her eyes to do the talking. They’re saying “Write something stupid about my pose and I’ll kick your face in”, which is fair, but unfortunately I am bound to journalistic integrity. Lauren’s flamingo leg exposes her copycat mentality and will ultimately cost her the competition.
7. Stacey Dooley
“Just getting some steps in, my Fitbit gave me a bit of a talking to last night, said I’ve been down on my stats this past month. Did you know that aggressively marching on the spot actually counts as double the amount of regular steps? Anyway, don’t mind me. You tend to the patients and I’ll join you as soon as my break is over. Get those bloods down to the lab when you have a minute, I can’t because I’m afraid of lifts and the stairs take too long.”
Stacey is a hyperactive nurse in the above promotional photograph. She’s a live wire, often struggling to contain her sparkle in a work environment. Stacey will often drop out an impromptu jive on the spot at the most inopportune moments, simply because a little voice in her head tells her to do so. She’s a whale of a time. This competition will give her the chance to shine, but she craves more. Those improvised jazz hands are destined for greatness, just not here.
6. Kate Silverton
“Sorry I can see you’re under a lot of pressure here today, but the service has been completely unacceptable. We’ve been queueing at the customer service counter for twenty minutes and nobody is paying attention to us. I’d like to speak to the manager, or supervisor or whoever is available. Oh, that’s you? Well I’d like to make a formal complaint about your conduct today. I will not be shopping at Poundland again, I can assure you. Good day.”
Kate won’t triumph based on this photograph. Her smile is terrifyingly broad. The shop supervisor is afraid of her, as am I right now. If Kate Silverton ever disapproved of anything I did, it would be game over. What’s the point in living if Kate Silverton flashes you an overly enthusiastic smile when you’ve wronged her. She’s daring you to doubt her in the above image. Go on, put her at #6 in your stupid list, idiot.
5. Seann Walsh
“Good evening and welcome to the greatest magic show you’ve ever seen in your pathetic life. Tonight, I am going to amaze and astound you beyond belief. Just when you think you’ve figured out how one of my tricks is done, I will flip the script and wow you even more by blowing your fragile little mind. Please do not record any portion of the show as you will be asked to leave immediately. Fire exits are at the front of the stage. Tea and coffee available during the intermission”.
Seann has opted for the magician’s stance, is what I am saying. The suit is that of an experimental magician, one who likes to incorporate a smidge of controversy into his routines so that the papers will one day describe him as ‘The bad boy of magic’. Does his stance contain any trace of a professional dancer? No, literally none. But he looks legitimately happy to be there. He’s going to give the competition a go, and that’s all that we can legally ask him to do.
4. Vick Hope
“Welcome on board flight 4113 non-stop to Malaga airport. We, the flight crew, are going to take you through some safety announcements so if we could have your full attention for the next few minutes, that would be terrific. As you can see, emergency exits are located at the front, back and centre of the plane, which I am delicately and vaguely pointing to right now. We also have oxygen masks and all that shit, but anyway, who cares, we all know the drill. Anyone want a drink?”.
Vick has taken the Strictly promo photograph brief on board, but also stretched it beyond belief. She’s on another show entirely based on the above photograph. It could be Skins series two, it could be Million Pound Drop or even that celebrity diving competition thing Tom Daley presented a few years ago. Vick is turbo dancing, which indicates that she has mastered the art of dance and now craves a tougher challenge, such as balancing on one foot while stretching her arms outwards. She’s in with a chance, but won’t reach the number one spot.
3. Katie Piper
“Welcome back to the shopping channel with me, Debbie Spendyourmoneyhere. Today we’ve got a stunning line of jewellery made by a dumb man in Mozambique, dumb in the sense that he does not speak, not that he is unintelligent. Anyway, he speaks through his craft and if these necklaces are anything to go by, he is a hoot. These bespoke pieces usually cost £79 each but today we’re giving you an offer to buy two for £159. Our operators are standing by to take your call.”
Katie, although providing a perfectly sufficient Strictly promo photograph, wouldn’t be out of place presenting on a shopping channel at 3am. She’s too chirpy, intent on making you like her rather than convincing you that she’s going to win the competition with an intense stare and a tattoo saying ‘Strictly Champ 2k18′. She could win, it’s not out of the question, but she’s just lacking conviction. There’s reasonable doubt. Also, her shoes are too small and that’s going to ruin her chances.
2. Ashley Roberts
“As (hopefully) Miss Teen America 2018, I promise to uphold the honour of this title without ever besmirching the wholesome and inclusive attitude it demands. I have shown you, the judges, that I am a competent baton twirler, swimsuit wearer and poetry reciter. It is now up to you to decide whether a regular girl from Texas who has overcome the adversity of two root canal surgeries during my teens and a very minor car accident in a carpark last week where I rear-ended another vehicle, deserves the crown. Thank you.”
Look at that image and tell me that Ashley Roberts isn’t taking part in Miss Teen America. You can’t, because she is. Her facial expression exudes greatness, a hunger for victory and a willingness to win at any cost. She will murder someone if it’s absolutely necessary to win the Strictly trophy. One of her legs is hidden because she doesn’t want to show all her cards just yet, but rest assured, it is equally as proficient at dancing as the other one. Her hands are brazenly placed upon her hips. This is just a game to Ashley. She’s not going to win, however. Not with a wayward skirt tassel ruining everything as it has done in the promo photo.
1. Charles Venn
“I’m Gary, welcome to Gary’s gym. Today, we’re going to change your life. You’ve taken the first step in becoming the new you and that’s incredible. You should be proud of yourself. We’re going to whip you into shape and I’m personally going to see to it that you meet your goals. You’re going to hate me throughout the process, mostly because I’m insufferably smug and I demand perfection from every one of my clients. Now, let’s get you on the treadmill for a quick 5k to see where your fitness level is at.”
Charles has nailed his Strictly promotional photograph, that is an undeniable fact. He’s confident, having a good time and even offering up a suggestive leg lift to prove his dancing prowess. Charles is going to deservedly take the Strictly crown and he fully deserves it. To be able to convince the public of his victory and still flash a cheeky smile is a masterful act. If he dances half as well as he charms the British public through a photograph, it’s going to be solid 10s across the board for every performance. Congratulations Charles, please do not let me down. I will lose my job if this prediction, like all of my others, ends up being extremely wrong.
Images via BBC
