5 shitty old movies that Hollywood desperately needs to remake

Original movies are dead. Long live remakes.

Aren’t we all a bit bored of original movies? You know why there are stories that have never been told? Because if they were worth telling, they’d be Oscar-winning movies by now. As proven by the genius move to remake Jumanji with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, the public appetite for remakes has never been larger, so it’s about time Hollywood got down to the real meat and potatoes of the pre-existing movie world.

These are just a few suggestions for them to start with. Now you might think it to be blasphemous to even suggest remaking these films, but you’re not a Hollywood executive, are you? If you were, you’d know there’s no such thing as blasphemy, so shut up, eat your popcorn and enjoy whatever’s being shoved down your eyes.

1. The Godfather

Starring: William Shatner as Vito Corleone, Henry Cavill as Michael Corleone, Mel Gibson as Tom Hagen, Megan Fox as Kay Adams-Corleone

Why remake it? The thing about The Godfather is it’s a bit too good. Movie audiences these days aren’t interested in well-crafted stories and impeccable acting; they want explosions, shooting and sexy women bent over motorcycles. Now to The Godfather’s credit, it does have some shooting and explosions, but where are the sexy women bending over motorcycles? Here’s a clue: there are none! It’s a wonder anyone went to see that film at all, what with the lack of sexy women bending over motorcycles.

To pay for all the extra shooting, explosions and sexy women bending over motorcycles (and trust us, there will be a lot of those), the film will have to cut down on its talent, hence the lack of reputable actors. But with the recent advancements in CGI technology, the movie studio will be able to insert enough aliens to distract from the poor performances. Oh yeah, there are aliens in this version of The Godfather.

2. Saving Private Ryan

Starring: Jennifer Lawrence as Captain John H. Miller, Kristen Wiig as Private James Francis Ryan, Scarlett Johansson as Private Stanley “Fish” Mellish

Why remake it? Doing all-female remakes is very fashionable right now, and following the success of Ghostbusters, the next logical step is to do an all-female remake of World War II. Unfortunately, staging a complete reenactment of a global conflict in which over 60 million people died would cost more than most studios are willing to pay, so we’ll have to settle for remaking a World War II movie instead.

Saving Private Ryan is a classic war film, unparalleled in its realistic depiction of the horrors of war, but a bunch of dudes saving another dude? I dunno, it’s a bit gay, isn’t it? Aren’t gays well represented enough in movies as it is? A bunch of chicks saving another chick, though – that’s hot! Maybe instead of getting shot and crying about it, the girls can all jump in a hot tub and start making out. Fucking hell, history is so much better when you put sexy women in it.

3. To Kill A Mockingbird

Starring: Will Ferrell as Atticus Finch, Kevin Hart as Tom Robinson

Why remake it? ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ is one of the most enduring stories in Western literature, yet we’ve only managed to squeeze one paltry movie out of it. The 1962 version is good and everything, but no one wants to see black and white films these days, especially not when they’re all serious and worthy and shit. By casting Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart in the lead roles, the remake could really exploit the true comic potential of an innocent man falsely convicted of rape.

‘Get Hard’, Ferrell and Hart’s previous collaboration, centred around Ferrell’s character asking Hart for advice on surviving prison, for as a black man, this is something Hart’s character obviously knows all about. The film demonstrated the kind of sensitivity to issues of race that would make ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ the knockabout comedy smash it was always destined to be.

4. Flubber

Starring: Nicolas Cage as Professor Philip Brainard

Why remake it? Making a really good family movie is a hard ask, which is why it’s so much easier to take a well-loved film that already exists and just make it again. Next year it will have been 20 years since the original Flubber, so what better way to honour the movie than by spunking out a gooey green remake of it? The movie is about a mad professor who invents some mad rubber stuff that flies about the place, so there’s no one better to cast their own brand of mad shit into the remake cauldron than Nicolas Cage.

Obviously the great Robin Williams is sadly no longer with us, so we can never know for sure what he’d think about Nic Cage stepping into his bouncy shoes, but based on his often literally unbelievable body of work, we think he would have approved. The danger with remaking such a beloved movie is that it runs the risk of tarnishing the memory of the original, but who gives a fuck about that? Think about it: Nicolas Cage flying around with a bunch of rubbery green shit. Fuck! What a film.

5. Groundhog Day

Starring: An older Bill Murray as Phil Connors, whichever actress is most popular at the time as Rita Hanson

Why remake it? Everybody loves Groundhog Day. Everybody loves Bill Murray. Are you doing the maths here? The two already came together in 1993 to great acclaim, so why can’t they just do it again 23 years later? On the surface, getting a respected actor to play a part that he already nailed two decades prior seems disingenuous, but think about it: it makes perfect sense.

Groundhog Day was about living the same day over and over again, right? So what if we get Bill Murray to remake Groundhog Day over and over again? It’s genius; the ultimate franchise! Every year we’ll crank out another Groundhog Day, filmed shot for shot, exactly the same every year, except Bill Murray keeps getting older and older, and every year the punters will roll on in. Sure, there’ll come a time when Bill can no longer support himself under his own strength and will constantly crap his pants on set, but that’s the magic of movies – the audience doesn’t give a toss.