Episode 31.
Boy oh boy was it a cracker of an episode last night. Camilla celebrated her birthday, Chris and Kem took their relationship to the next level, Jonny’s nips got even bigger and the new girl finally spoke to a male.
A lot happened, so it’s likely that some vital things went over your head. Not to worry, I’m here to provide your daily unnecessary recap of Love Island.
Here’s six things you might’ve missed, you unobservant swine.
1. WRPPY BOAY W!
It was Camilla’s birthday, which meant that Jamie was in with a very real chance of getting some action (kissing on the mouth) if he played his cards right. The Calvin Klein model was up at cock shout to prepare a delicious breakfast consisting of varying degrees of burnt toast for the object of his affection. He even gave the toast formation a cutlery boarder and crummy background, something he truly believed would result in Camilla immediately swooning and placing his genitalia inside her.
My main query here is what ‘WRPPY BOAY W’ means. I put it through Google translate and it came back as a language called Malagasy, but it was still indecipherable. Upon further research (because I have little else to do with my time), I found out that Malagasy is the official language of Madagascar, which I was shocked to discover is a real place and not just the name of a movie. Regardless, Jamie isn’t very good at cutting out toast shapes, which is something Camilla should take into serious consideration when he next attempts coitus.
2. Chris and Kem cemented their love for each other by shaving their initials into their pubes
The year is 2017. Britain is ready for a same-sex couple to win Love Island and the only legitimate same-sex couple in that godforsaken villa is Chris Kent and Kem Cetinay. Their love knows no bounds and they are the glimmer of hope that we all want and need in such uncertain times as these. Last night, we saw Kem shave Chris’ initials into his pubes. Every relationship has a pivotal moment where both parties realise that what they’re experiencing together is true love.
Perhaps it’s exchanging vows, telling each other secrets, making a verbal commitment, or manicuring each others’ pubic hair. Chris and Kem are in love, and we need to accept the inevitability of this pair officially choosing each other at the next recoupling. Amber and Olivia will be sent home, understandably upset over being ‘mugged off’, but they can’t stand in the way of true love, not for one second. Chris and Kem are going to win the £50,000 prize money and they deserve every goddamn penny of it because their love is real.
3. Jonny’s areolas are getting bigger
The above image has received no editing whatsoever. I cannot be alone in thinking that Jonny’s nipples are increasing in size. Perhaps it’s his developing sun tan that has given them the illusion of seeming larger, or my growing distaste for him since he wronged national treasure Camilla, but those nipples look bigger. It could have something to do with the fact that Jonny is sitting at an awkward angle in this image, but I’d rather not jump to any conclusions that would work in his favour.
Is this mother nature’s way of informing Jonny that he’s a massive tit? I sure as heck hope so. Jonny needs to take a good look at himself in the mirror and hopefully his eyes will be drawn to his big ol nips. He’ll shun the thought at first, then examine them closer and realise that yes, his areoles and nipples have gone up in size. He’ll be visibly shaken as it slowly sets in that he has big tits because he is a big tit. Jonny will instantly change his attitude and finally become a better person. One can dream, anyway.
4. Montana and Camilla went for a wee in the pool
There’s no way to prove this as the pool doesn’t appear to have that special feature where it changes colour when someone goes for a piss in it, but I’m pretty certain. Why else would two girls stand idly in a body of water chatting about whether or not Camilla should sleep with Jamie? In my opinion, you get into a swimming pool for one of two reasons: To go swimming, or to do a wee. As we can see, Cam and Mon are not swimming in the above image.
Camilla’s stance suggests that she’s doing a power wee, standing up to feel equal to men. Montana, less of a feminist, isn’t as committed but still very much having a wee. Perhaps the villa’s toilets were all occupied at the time, so the girls decided to have a quick gossip together as their urine swirled around each others’ legs. There is no greater sign of friendship in 2017 than allowing your friend to piss closely beside you in a body of water. That being said, it’s important to remember that the show is called Love Island, not Friendship Island.
5. Freckles are now sentient beings, apparently
Every day is a school day. Last night, Chris, in the ultimate display of affection, said to Olivia, “I look at those freckles every day, I see a new one and it becomes my friend”. Not only does he fancy Olivia (allegedly) more than he fancies Kem, Chris also pays attention to her skin. For a lot of people, the sun produces freckles. Chris doesn’t just witness those freckles, he befriends them. Chris loves Olivia, meaning he accepts all parts of her, even her strangely puffy lips.
Friendship is defined as ‘a relationship of mutual affection between people’. That means it’s a two-way thing. Chris can’t be friends with those freckles without their approval and participation in the whole thing. Chris is suggesting that the freckles are his friends in return for him being theirs. They have a fondness for him, therefore rendering them sentient beings. Surely this is some kind of scientific discovery. These concentrated melaninised cells are capable of feelings. Alert the authorities, Chris has done a science.
6. We’ve reached peak millennial and there’s no going back
The gang were all having a swell evening together celebrating Camilla’s birthday when Garcel took a moment away from the festivities to have a chat. Rather than openly bitch about the rest of the islanders’ shortcomings, the millennial within Gabby urged her to take a different route. A very new-age route. A road less travelled. She typed her feelings about the other contestants into a text message and then showed the draft to Marcel, who responded to everything with ‘yes’.
Folks, we have reached peak millennial on Love Island. They’ve had lashings of avocado on toast these past two days, they’re shaving initials into each others’ pubes and now they’re communicating via text message drafts. Something needs to be done. An intervention needs to be staged in the villa. Where does it end? Will they be demanding almond milk lattes and reminiscing about how good the cartoons were on Nickelodeon when they were growing up? Find out next time on the greatest fucking television programme the world has ever seen, Love Island.
All images via ITV
