Day 42.
Please, stick with me. We are so close. This day next week is the Love Island final. Then we can get back to writing meaningless content that doesn’t involve a Spanish villa’s inhabitants. Then we can be free.
Last night’s episode was a wild ride from start to finish. Could you believe it when Joey said that silly thing? Or when Monica was kind of annoying? Or when Phoebe was being crazy. Haha, what a good time.
Besides that, a bunch of things happened, none of them essential. Well done for catching my bluff.
Here’s six occurrences that almost merit reminding.
1. It transpires that Laura has technically kissed Fred Durst
Megan pointed out that Laura has technically kissed Madonna, but I’ve worked out a better one because I have very little to do at the moment. So, Laura has kissed Paul, who has kissed Britney Spears during a music video. Britney and Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst were rumoured to have had a fling in 2002. That means Britney Spears has smooched Fred Durst, then smooched Paul who has smooched Laura. Basically, Laura has tashed on with the guy from Limp Bizkit, in a roundabout way. That’s something you can never take away from her. She might come away from the Love Island villa with very little, but nobody can ever take that fact away from her. Congratulations, Laura. Keep rollin’ girl.
2. Alex can’t even be normal when he’s having an ice lolly
It came as literally no surprise whatsoever that Doctor Alex can’t even have an ice lolly and be normal about it. The correct way to eat a Calippo is to, for lack of a better phrase, go to town on it in an obscene manner until you feel satisfied, sexually. Instead, Alex gingerly took lizard-like licks of the ice pop, never extending it any further from its casing than the amount seen above. A tiny little lizard lick here and there until he achieved some level of refreshment, because he is an animal. Maybe he’s aware of the cameras and didn’t want to become the victim of some cruel Photoshop meme, but you have to live your life. Alexandra went to town on the ice lolly, she nailed the experience. Alex is a tiny little pink robot baby.
3. We have officially reached peak Love Island, task-wise
It’s the second last week of Love Island 2018, so naturally logic has gone out the window in terms of tasks. Let me be very clear, logic was never within the confines of the window to begin with, but it’s very clear that it will remain that way until the series ends. The girls put on dresses and then humped some space hoppers around a very tiny race course in an attempt to find out who’s the most desperate for fame upon leaving the villa. Nobody came out of this spectacle looking good, not even the boys whose only job was to cheer them on and spray champagne everywhere. This show is absurd. It should not be watchable. Yet here we are, 42 days deep begging for it to end but also continue forever.
4. The date locations are getting worse, with last night’s venue being fashioned out of bonfire wood
They are sitting on wood pallets that have been “upcycled” and with that, we can all be certain that the Love Island producers have lost their goddamn minds. My only wish for the future is that we, as a society, stop reclaiming garbage from our neighbours’ skips and deeming it as an exciting ‘upcycling project’. Trash is trash, my dudes. Alexandra put on a nice dress, Jack ironed a nice shirt for Alex, only for them to sit on pallets of wood sipping a large jug of tomato juice basking in the Mallorcan smog. Putting some tealight candles in empty jam jars does not a big date mood make. The show is in crisis mode. They’ve got nothing left to give. Just bring in the baby dolls and parents, then be done with it.
5. Steph blowdried her nose hairs because that is what beauty standards are in the year of our Lord 2018
We’ve seen all manner of body parts being blowdried during this series of Love Island. Dani kicked things off with her eyelashes, Jack joined in to get some sweet armpit drying action going on and now Steph is the latest blowdrying fiend to tackle an unconventional area of her body: the nose hair department. She took a quick moment during her night out prep to get a quick blast of the villa’s futuristic-looking hairdryer right up her snout. Nobody called her out on this strange occurrence, probably because they had bigger fish to fry, such as the 19″ alloys she’s got hanging from her ears. These gals are insane.
6. Paul isn’t tall, he’s just been standing on a bedside locker the entire time
Damn it, we’ve been fooled. Like when a very tall man ends up actually being two small kids stacked in a trench coat, Paul has pulled the wool over our collective eyes. Boy do we have egg on our faces now, Britain and also any country that gets a Love Island feed. We hadn’t seen Paul’s feet until last night’s show and upon seeing them, a grave miscarriage of justice became apparent. Paul isn’t tall, he’s just been standing on a bedside locker the entire time. What a rascal. This changes everything. Is he good enough for Laura now? Should we allow her to fall in love with a liar? Has he even kissed Britney Spears? Find out tomorrow night on I Can’t Believe This Show Is Still On Please God When Will It End.
Images via ITV
