Day 3.
Boy oh boy did things kick off on last night’s I’m A Celeb. Stanley launched a vicious tirade against people that walk too slowly, Toff got reprimanded for lewd conduct with one of the camp’s lanterns and Shappi opened a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon without using her hands or feet. Just kidding, none of that happened.
It was a fairly boring episode, they’re quite a mundane bunch of people. They were hungry, they ate a small bit of food and then continued to moan their way through their time in the jungle, which they’re under no obligation to be there for.
Anyway, here’s six slightly cringe things that happened.
1. Three days in, Fizz revealed that she hadn’t washed yet
IT’S THEIR THIRD DAY IN THE JUNGLE AND SHE HASN’T WASHED! Fizz off Coronation Street has been in the Australian jungle for 72 hours and still hasn’t put a bar of soap near her person. We saw Dennis Wise furiously scrubbing his admittedly very impressive physique for a 50-year-old man, concerned about whether he’d sufficiently cleansed himself of jungle scum and contemplating a second wash, meanwhile Fizz was working out how many days she could get away with not having a wash. Vote her off, she is a liability. If she gets into the lake she’s just going to turn it into Fizzy water anyway.
2. Amir learned that everyone had been given deodorant, except him
That camp must be positively hoaching between Fizz who’s refusing to wash and Amir who hasn’t been using deodorant. It turns out that Celebrities’ hygiene standards aren’t quite what you’d expect, so at the very least, we need to thank I’m A Celeb for highlighting that. The editing was generous in supplying us with the goods. In the space of one minute, we saw no less than four celebrities actively sniffing their armpits to check if they were stinking. Glorious television. More of that please.
3. Amir lied about defending his honour against some snakes… AGAIN
In an unprecedented move, Amir smashed the Bushtucker Trial on last night’s I’m A Celeb. He had to unlock some boxes and collect the keys which eventually allowed him to escape the water-filled chamber. As he was recounting the events to his camp mates, Amir lied AGAIN. He said there were snakes in the tank, but there absolutely wasn’t. Does he not realise that this entire thing is being recorded live for telly? We can just watch back and confirm whether you’re telling the truth or not, sir. Amir Khan is a big fat liar. Feed him to the snakes at once!
4. Stanley confused placenta with polenta
Toff and Stanley were sent on a task to win some goodies for camp. The job involved answering questions about their fellow campers. By the grace of God, the first question asked which celebrity had eaten their placenta after giving birth. A baffled Stanley queried “Are you sure they don’t mean polenta?”, cementing his place as potentially the most precious contestant in I’m A Celeb this year. It’s a very valid question. Placenta and polenta are very similar, in the sense that they both start with a ‘P’, end with an ‘A’ and Rebekah Vardy has eaten both.
5. The price of brownies was a fucking outrage
$100 FOR A PLATE OF BROWNIES. HAVE YOU LOST THE PLOT, I’M A CELEB? A meal ticket was also $100, but that’s not the source of my beef here today. Celebrities are completely out of touch, not one of them complained about the extortionate price of what was essentially a bit of chocolate sponge. Plus, everyone knows that Australian chocolate is garbage, so there’s approximately zero chance that they would’ve tasted nice. I’m A Celeb is responsible for many things, but fair pricing isn’t one of them. What’s in store for tomorrow’s Outback Shack menu? $100 for a Freddo bar? They can get that offer at home, mate.
6. Stanley delivered several puns throughout the episode, all of which were garbage
He referred to Amir as ‘Amir Mortal’ when he gave him a meal token. When himself and Toff won brownies for camp, he said they’d gained some ‘brownie points’. Also let’s not forget the placenta / polenta gag from earlier as well. There were several other puns but I can’t willingly bring myself to write them down because they were also a giant pile of stinking garbage. Stanley has been on this Earth for 77 years. He should know better. He’s an educated man, he should have the life experience to produce a better joke. If you’re going to bring your pun game to I’m A Celeb, then it better be above average.
Images via ITV
