Day 19.
Well smack me on the butt and call me Patricia, it all kicked off on I’m A Celeb last night.
Dennis Wise invented and subsequently patented a device that is going to make it possible for people to contact the dead and carry out long-lasting and meaningful relationships with them from the afterlife. The only catch is that you must kiss Dennis Wise on the forehead five times and recite Pi to eight decimal places to be allowed to purchase the device, which will retail at £8m R.R.P.
In reality, it was another standard episode of I’m A Celeb. Everyone was tired and hungry, Ant and Dec had a blast and Amir fed into the stereotype that boxers are a bit dim due to repeated blows to the head.
Here’s six extremely important things we learned, thankfully.
1. Jamie, Dennis and Amir are the worst people on Earth
The camp was in a subdued mood after Stanley was voted off. They were all gathered round the campfire in quite a touching moment where they shared their fondest memories of the camp favourite. Bizarrely, Amir used this opportunity to launch into an attack on Iain, reminding him that he was a bit of an arsehole when he joined the jungle because he was elected as pretend Prime Minister in the game (quick reminder, this is all a game).
Rather than dispelling the tension or sticking up for Iain, Jamie and Dennis joined in, letting Iain know that Amir was just joking and didn’t mean those extremely genuine words. It was a deeply uncomfortable interaction and further enforced the suspicion that Amir, Jamie and Dennis are deliberately ganging up on Iain for some nonsense reason. Iain is a nice man and if he doesn’t win, this entire spectacle has been a waste of time.
2. They have officially run out of ideas for Bushtucker Trials
We thought things couldn’t get much worse after that spaceship challenge, but oh how wrong we were. Yesterday’s Bushtucker Trial involved Fiz and Iain entering an airport departure lounge, which consisted of a big long row of chairs. They had to work their way through each seat, using their mouths to unscrew some dingo dollars to trade in for food stars.
Look, we’re 19 days into this series of I’m A Celeb. Everyone’s tired and that doesn’t exclude the production team. It’s tough trying to come up with ideas for trials every day. There’s only so many things you can do in the Australian jungle with a load of creepy crawlies. Most people would’ve run out of ideas two days in. They’re doing the best they can, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hilarious to see what shite they’ve pulled out of thin air each day.
3. There’s no classy way to use your tongue for anything, as evidenced below
Fiz and Iain had to unscrew dingo dollars during last night’s episode and what it gave us all was endless entertainment and a large amount of perspective. Sure, it was a delight to many viewers to get to see their favourite Coronation Street character with her gob wide open using her tongue as an appendage to unscrew fake money. But many of us could’ve gone our entire lives without seeing such a performance.
We’ve learned two things from this latest Bushtucker Trial. 1) Celebrities will do anything for food, meaning they’re not a million miles away from the rest of us. We’re all human beings at the end of the day, who crave love, food and adoration. 2) There’s no possible way to look classy when you’re using your tongue. It’s always going to look vulgar and suggestive. That is unfortunately the way the world has to be.
4. Amir Khan genuinely thinks that Sydney is either in North America or Russia
For the Dingo Dollar Challenge, Amir and Jamie had to work out the flight times between different places across the world. They used wooden aeroplanes attached to some string, then measured out the length of the string to work out the distance. Sounds simple? Sure, for the average person. But for Amir Khan, who boasted a good knowledge of Geography due to his constant traveling, it was the equivalent of working out the inner workings of the Large Hadron Collider.
The first distance to work out was from the UK to Sydney Opera House. Off hand, any normal human being knows that Australia, the place where they are currently residing, is quite a distance from the UK, at least 20 hours at a guess. Amir placed the plane somewhere in North America, because that is where Amir Khan believes Sydney Opera House to be. The result was 8 hours, still not a red flag for these guys, so they added it to the board and were amazed when it turned out to be incorrect. Then they moved towards Russia, another possible location for Sydney, but again were frustrated to discover that it was not correct. The entire situation was deeply entertaining. Thank God Amir Khan can box.
5. Celebrities will lose their collective shit over some cupcakes
Understandably, they’re very hungry. But cupcakes? Nobody has legitimately enjoyed a cupcake since roughly 2013 at the height of the cupcake boom. People have moved on. It’s all about raclettes and churros now. The fad has ended. These guys are celebrities. They’re used to champagne, caviar and taxis that are expensed to anyone other than themselves. You’re telling me that a bit of sponge cake with a splodge of icing on top is enough to sate their pretentious appetites? Get real.
Those cupcakes cost $100 in Dingo Dollar currency, so perhaps that’s where the appeal lies. If the cupcakes are insanely expensive, only then shall our precious celebrities show an interest. Little do they know, those cakes were bought in Woolworths as part of a multipack. $3 for 8 most likely, with the remaining two cupcakes scoffed by Kiosk Keith, the scut. Celebrities. They are the most bizarre creatures.
6. DENNIS WISE IS TALLER THAN DEC
Dennis Wise was the latest celebrity to get voted out of the jungle, which was probably a very good idea before he further launched into his unfounded hate campaign against Iain Lee. Truly, it was his time to go. But before he could whizz his way to a hotel for a shower and comfortable shit with proper toilet paper, there was a small matter that needed tending to – WHO IS TALLER OUT OF HIM AND DECLAN DONNELLY.
The answer was as clear as day. Dennis Wise is actually taller than Dec by a small margin. It was the conclusion the nation both wanted and needed during these uncertain times. Whatever about his antics in the jungle, all anyone has cared about for the past 19 days was whether himself or Dec would be taller. Dec’s loss in this regard is made even sweeter by the fact that he had been roasting Dennis over the last few weeks to within an inch of his life. In these instances it’s always better to shun being sad because it’s over, instead smiling because it happened. We were all part of this wonderful journey together. The world is going to shit but at least we have Ant and Dec.
Images via ITV
