Day 22 – The Final!
We did it, we made it to the end. We got there, together.
What a series it’s been. We’ve had highs (Amir corrupting Iain by making him eat strawberries and cream instead of bringing them back to share with the camp) and lows (Amir telling the camp it was Iain’s idea to eat the strawberries and cream rather than bringing them back to share).
Luckily, the learning never stopped. We’ve been educated in ways we never imagined during this series of I’m A Celeb.
Here’s six vitally important things we learned from the finale, because every day is a school day.
1. Declan Donnelly is the master of misdirection
Toff was midway through her final Bushtucker Trial when she understandably turned on the I’m A Celeb franchise. She announced that whoever comes up with these trial ideas is a deeply troubled person. Ant wholeheartedly agreed, meanwhile Dec very subtly identified the sick and twisted mind responsible for these trial concepts. As you can see above, Dec is hinting that Anthony McPartlin is responsible.
Dec’s career is wasted on I’m A Celeb and other presenting gigs. What we’ve got here is a young man at the top of the misdirection game. He’s so subtle, you barely even notice that he’s there. Look at that innocent nose rubbing gesture that also doubles up as an accusing finger. It’s positively inspired. You don’t get taught that kind of behaviour, it’s something you’re either born with or unfortunately not.
2. Pig vaginas have little toothpicks in them
For Iain’s final Bushtucker trial, he had to eat and drink a variety of disgusting things to secure a delicious meal for camp. One of those disgusting things was a pig vagina, which was presented beautifully among a sea of flower petals and some sort of wispy flower feature. Iain delicately pointed out that the Brazilian style of female grooming is evidently yet to reach the swine community, which was a very accurate piece of information to put forward.
But if you look at the upper area of the pig vagina, you’ll notice that there is a small cocktail stick prodding out of it. This is a little-known fact about pig vaginas, one that has been kept a secret from the mainstream media for many years. Pig vaginas harbour cocktail sticks for ease of snack consumption throughout a pig’s daily life. It’s a brilliant addition to their anatomy and one that humans are also looking into. Ladies, put a cocktail stick in your pig’s vagina today!
3. Snakes do not respect Warren off HollyoaksÂ
Jamie’s final Bushtucker trial was probably the easiest out of the three. All he had to do was lie motionless in a box full of sand with a bunch of snakes crawling over him. Sure, it was disgusting, but he didn’t have creepy crawlies festering inside every crevice of his body, nor did he have to eat a pig’s vagina. All in all, he drew the longest straw and was probably aware of it himself.
But the issue of respect played a huge role in Jamie’s trial. Those snakes had no regard for him whatsoever. They didn’t care about Warren Fox off Hollyoaks, not one single solitary bit. One of the snakes slithered up to the top of the box, then bellyflopped right onto Warren Fox’s smug little sand-covered face. He wanted to hurt him, like Warren Fox did to Sean that time he kidnapped and subsequently killed him. Snakes are notorious fans of British soaps and they know how to hold a grudge. They do not respect Warren Fox. He is a jester to them.
4. Jamie Lomas eats chicken wings WITH A KNIFE AND FORK
These celebrities have been deprived of decent food for over three weeks. The fact that they are dignifying themselves with using cutlery at all is baffling. Regardless, Jamie chose chicken wings for his starter and proceeded to launch into them with the aid of both a knife and fork. Chicken wings, with a knife and fork. Jamie’s very lucky that this spectacle didn’t air until midway through last night’s finale, as such an act would’ve likely hampered his incoming votes.
Chicken wings are destined to be eaten with your hands. They deserve it. They demand your utmost attention which can only be given with grease-soaked hands. That’s why chicken wings come with an accompanying bowl of water in fancy restaurants, so you can drink the murky lemon water and then use that hydration to fuel licking each individual finger clean. Jamie is a monster. Does he eat pizza with a spoon? Yoghurts with a carving knife? He’s an animal.
5. It turns out that three weeks of eating rice and beans makes you look extremely ill
Truly, there has never been a more #shook looking pair of I’m A Celeb finalists. I have not altered the colouring in the above image, that was legitimately broadcast on last night’s show. Toff and Jamie made it to the final two and were brought across the bridge to the studio for a final interview before the winner was announced. They could barely walk, such was the deprivation of nourishment they had suffered.
It begs the question, is I’m A Celeb really worth it? Torturing celebrities all in the name of televisual entertainment? Is their pain and suffering merely being exploited for the sake of one hour of senseless programming every evening? Absolutely. Is it worth it? Again, absolutely. However, if the producers wanted to slip the celebrities a hot shower or cheeseburger every so often, nobody would mind. We want to be entertained, but we don’t want to see a literal death take place on our TV screens just yet. Maybe next year.
6. Rebekah Vardy does not understand how television works
As Toff was rightfully crowned this year’s Queen of the jungle, her campmates were elated to see her snatch victory from Jamie Lomas’ cold and almost dead hands. Nobody deserved to win more than Toff, which Rebekah seemed to agree with as she took her mobile phone out to take a photograph. Rebekah, my dear, this entire thing is being filmed and broadcast live on television. There is no need to double up on footage here.
The television cameras were always going to get the best angles on Toff’s victory speech, as well as delivering it in full high definition quality. Your iPhone shan’t top that, so please respectfully wait for the I’m A Celeb Twitter account to upload a picture, then steal it from there like everyone else, Rebekah. Mobile phones are strictly prohibited from being used in television studios. Rebekah is breaking all kinds of rules here, but maybe it was worth it. Maybe she managed to surpass the quality of live television footage. Let’s check.
https://twitter.com/RebekahVardy/status/940004950544875521
Confiscate her phone and Twitter account immediately. That is an appalling image.
Images via ITV
