Day 40.
Please, we’re nearly there. Love Island is only on for 10 more days, then we can forget about it for another year. I just need your patience at this point. Thank you.
Boy oh boy was last night another episode of Love Island or what? Eh? There was love. There was an island. What a treat!
Some things happened, none of them essential or important, but here we are anyway.
Here’s six moments verging on being worth revisiting, some made up for comic effect. Enjoy.
1. Someone had 40 cigarettes and a lip gloss for breakfast
It’s not exactly nutritious, but it’s definitely filling. As Alexandra and Paul were having a quick morning flirt, it became apparent that someone had had an unconventional breakfast. Forty cigarettes and a lipgloss, to be precise. It sounds like the name of a song by The 1975, but it is indeed a Love Islander’s breakfast. So who can we point the finger it? Personally, my suspicions lie with Josh or Megan. I can’t explain why, I just have a hunch. This begs the question, what’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever had for breakfast? One time, I had a bowl of All Bran, so that’s probably mine. Please get in touch with yours.
2. There was an intruder in the field of wheat behind the villa
Hang….Hang on a second. Is that Theresa May? FFS Theresa, you’ve got a country to run. The bad girl of British politics needs to set aside her mischievous ways for the sake of the British people. Yes, we know your youth was filled with acts of misdemeanour such as careening through wheat fields, but it cannot continue anymore. You’re 61 years old, your Government is falling apart, you do not have time to invade the Love Island villa to get the sweet release that comes with running around a field. You could’ve done that somewhere in the UK if you absolutely had to. Go home, Theresa. Fix Brexit.
3. Laura unsurprisingly didn’t ask Alexandra to do her makeup a second time
If you’ll cast your tender mind back to yesterday’s roundup in which I highlighted Alexandra’s blatant sabotage of Laura’s makeup, you’ll fully understand why Laura took matters into her own hands last night. She sat in front of that full length mirror and meticulously contoured every square inch of her face as a very pointed and self-satisfying form of revenge. As we all know, revenge is a dish best served contoured, am I right ladies? To the untrained eye, it may appear that Laura has no idea what she’s doing. But please believe me when I tell you that there is wizardry at work. Get it, girl. Paul probably wouldn’t have coupled up with her if Alexandra did her makeup again.
4. Josh referred to a cocktail as ‘a cocky-T’
Right, I’ll admit the Theresa May point was a lie, but this legitimately happened. Josh said, “Once I’ve had a few sips of my cocky-T, the hips get loose and the feet start popping”. Cocky-T. Cocktail. That’s what he refers to a cocktail as. This is the type of person Britain has chosen to make famous. Well, technically the Love Island producers did, but now we have a choice to make. Do we want to allow this man to thrive, a man that calls a cocktail a ‘cocky-T’? Is that who we want to have on this year’s Dancing On Ice or making an appearance on 8 out of 10 Cats? I say no. We must not make Josh famous. He does not deserve it. Unfollow his Instagram right now.
5. Alex defied the odds and somehow managed to find a t-shirt that made him look even more pink than usual
Finally, a way to accentuate that relentless holiday hue that has followed Alex around the island from the day he landed. I used the eyedropper tool and learned that it’s a very close match between the shade of Alex’s hideous t-shirt and his sun-soaked skin. That’s not a great combination. Also, how has nobody pinned the man down and drenched him in Aloe Vera gel yet? It’s not a huge ask. He needs to soothe his skin. I’ve no way to prove it, but I’m quite confident that when Alex gets into the pool for his daily swim, he begins to sizzle and steam rises off the surface of the water after making contact with his large pink body. Alex, please, use more suncream.
6. Moments after leaving the villa, Georgia realised that she’d made a huge mistake
I have sent this image to Kay Burley so that she may, at long last, see what sadness looks like in someone’s eyes. Sam and Georgia had just emerged from the villa and made their way over to the pre-arranged camera waiting for a quick exit interview. Sam gushed about how it was definitely the right decision, but Georgia’s face said otherwise. They’re not in love. They’re not going to last. Sam is the most annoying boy in the world and is destined to be a squeaky clean children’s TV presenter until the day he dies. Georgia is a lunatic and will never feel satisfied with Sam. I give them two weeks. Two weeks until Georgia murders him for pronouncing ‘choccy milk’ incorrectly, then turns the weapon on herself in the ultimate act of loyalty. Sorry for getting dark. Have a lovely weekend.
Images via ITV
