Day 43.
That pesky Love Island, eh?
It’s almost over, I promise you. Not long to go. Here, grab my hand. See? Would I lie to you while I was holding your hand? No.
A bunch of things happened last night, most notably the lie detector test. Was it accurate? Who cares. It drummed up more tension than an estranged character revival on EastEnders, just as we hoped it would.
Here’s six moments that have been grossly exaggerated for intended comic effect.
1. They’re importing shite tea from Britain into this godforsaken villa
PG Tips? Out of all of the varieties of tea available in the United Kingdom, they’re importing PG Tips to Mallorca for the islanders? This is an outrage and a matter that deserves to be escalated on a global scale. Look at the shade of tea Dani has made, it’s close to being pure milk. This is carnage. We need to get the UN to intervene. Those islanders need some Twinings, Tetley, Yorkshire, even Typhoo will do at this point. I will not have these future Instagram #sponcon purveyors drinking a weak cup of tea. Most Mums bring teabags on holiday preempting the lack of quality overseas, so it’s come as a real shock that the mother of the villa, Dani Dyer, hasn’t come prepared. PG Tips, FFS. Get out of my sight.
2. Alexandra was, for some reason, excited to spend the night with Alex (who was dressed like a holiday rep)Â
Alexandra and Alex were voted by the fellow islanders to go into the hideaway for the night, a treat that both took very seriously. Alexandra carefully selected a spicy outfit, while Alex dressed up like a holiday rep on the last night of a package holiday where they get to cut loose and perform karaoke whilst having a maximum of two glasses of complimentary sangria from the hotel. Harrowingly, Alexandra couldn’t get enough of Alex. She was yelping out of sheer delight at seeing her chosen suitor doing the bare minimum in an attempt at getting a laugh. People say that doctors don’t have a sense of humour and if this series of Love Island has taught us anything, it’s that that statement is precisely correct, also that doctors go very pink in the sun.
3. The second Love Island orgy of the series took place!!!
Cast your mind back to day 33 when the first Love Island orgy occurred in response to the news that Alex and Alexandra would be going on their very first date together. It was only fitting that the second orgy would take place the morning after Alex and Alexandra’s first night alone together. Old Jack prompted the whole escapade, gathering the rest of the islanders in his path. Then, they all made tender love together in a group setting. It was passionate, logistically tricky, but beautiful. Love is love. The year is 2018. Perhaps we should all love each other in group settings a bit more often. Let’s turn this Love Island into a love mainland. Orgies for everyone!
4. The girls took a little time out of their hectic day to carry out some rudimentary maths equations
Even when you’re on holidays and not planning to ever return to work since your newfound fame will carry you right through to the fiscal year 2020 at least, it’s still important to keep your mind sharp. There’s no point in allowing your brain to fizzle away under the Mallorcan sun, not when you’ve got a career as an influencer waiting for you on the outside. The girls took some time to work out their projected earnings and tax rebates upon leaving the villa. It doesn’t hurt to stay on top of these things, plus accountants charge an absurd amount these days, you’re far better off getting on top of the calculations yourself. Good on you, girls.
5. Dani found head lice and will now have to be put down as a result
It’s an unfortunate end to Dani’s time in the Love Island villa, but sadly we cannot control the scalp-thirsty demands of head lice. During last night’s show, Dani Dyer realised that she had contracted head lice. Rather than allowing them to fester and infect the entire villa, she merely informed the production staff and they escorted her off the premises clad in hazmat suits. Dani will now be humanely put to sleep, as head lice medication is not available in Mallorca. She could be flown back to the UK for treatment, but then the entire plane would have to be destroyed afterwards and planes are really expensive. Goodbye Dani. Thank you for your time in the villa.
6. Mummy and Daddy had a fight but everything is fine everything is okay this is all totally normal so don’t be worried
Hey, come over here for a sec pal, just want to chat to you. Look, just because Mummy and Daddy have been arguing, that doesn’t mean we’re going to split up. Sometimes Mummy gets annoyed at Daddy so we just need to talk about it. It’s perfectly normal, everyone argues. We don’t love you any less, okay? Nobody’s getting a divorce, not today anyway. I know your friend Sam in school gets upset sometimes because his parents split up, but that’s not going to happen here. Everything is absolutely fine. We might even go stay at Grandma’s for a couple of nights, you always love seeing her, don’t you pal? I just need you to be brave for me, can you do that? Good lad. Now, let’s get McDonalds for tea!
Images via ITV
