You can’t spell Stranger Things without Anger Thin, so that’s something.
Stranger Things is back on Friday and I, for one, cannot breathe with the excitement. Luckily we’ve got a suitably teasing trailer to keep us going in the meantime.
The trailer itself is suitably vague, but there’s no harm in speculating what’s going to happen based on the small amount of information that we’ve been given.
If nothing else, it’ll kill some time between now and Friday. Also, you can only read so many hot takes about Gemma Collins falling over in one day.
Here’s what the second season of Stranger Things entails. Probably.
Eleven goes to rehab for her crippling addiction to waffles
She’ll spend the majority of series two in a rehabilitation facility where she will learn to live without such a debilitating dependency on frozen waffles. They’ll introduce her to a variety of replacement breakfast treats such as croissants, Pop-Tarts and pain au chocolats. With the right amount of determination and the love and support of those around her, Eleven will emerge stronger and Eggo-free by the end of the series.
Will finally succumbs to his haircut and transforms into a bowl
It was a long time coming and his friends heartily applaud his decision. The transformation comes after years of Mike, Dustin and Lucas teasing him about his chronic haircut, despite their own barnets being equally deplorable. Will schedules an appointment with the local witchdoctor and is turned into a literal bowl within minutes. He spends the rest of the series holding cereal and a variety of liquids, making himself a real contender for an Emmy next year.
Nancy dumps Jonathan when she finally realises that she is a 9/10 and he is a 5
She had her suspicions since they first met, but series two sees Nancy find the strength to call Jonathan out for being on a different level to her, in every regard. She goes back to Steve who is obviously a dumb jock but at least he’s good looking. She’s young and impressionable, it’s a completely understandable decision. Stranger Things have happened. Heh.
Someone calls Dustin a ‘big curly-headed dork’
In what is sure to be the most moving episode this series, Dustin falls victim to the school bully who deems him a ‘big curly-headed dork’, which is a pretty fair assessment. Dustin sulks for an hour or two, then shaves his head in a fit of rage. Now the bully calls him a ‘bald-headed dork’ and Dustin feels even worse about himself, plus now he has to deal with having a slightly colder head than before. Will he regain his confidence? You’ll have to watch the series to find out.
The Stranger Things kids discover audio porn
Between all the extraterrestrial activity that’s going on, these children still find time to take up a new hobby – listening to audio porn. Although it’s still the 1980s, the boys manage to get their hands on some audio porn that keeps them ticking over until the internet comes along in 1991. Lucas discovers it first, introducing the group to such classic tapes as ‘The Breakfast Chub’, ‘E.T. – Enormous Tits’ and ‘Dirtier Dancing’. They all take up smoking as well because they were bored and it seems cool.
Joyce gets her faulty electrical wiring fixed and then dresses as a doctor for some reason
Their flickering lights proved a real eyesore last series, so it’s much to the delight of all when a man with a toolbox arrives to the Byers household to fix their faulty electrics. Joyce becomes a real woman about town after she was proven to be right all along about Will still being alive in an alternate universe, with many apologising for calling her crazy. Then she goes crazy again and wears a doctor’s outfit to restore some credibility to her name because that’s definitely going to work.
Eleven gets a job as a paperboyÂ
She’s missing for most of the new series but eventually returns in the form of Hawkins’ newest paperboy. Eleven is a diligent worker, always on time with her deliveries and well liked in the community. Unfortunately, it transpires that Eleven has been using her powers to control peoples’ minds into giving her a tip, which is strictly prohibited in the paperboy community. She gets fired and is forced to seek employment elsewhere.
Jim becomes an arsonist
Everyone’s favourite police chief discovers a fondness for fire in this series of Stranger Things. It starts with a few candles around the house, then spirals into burning wood in the back garden, culminating in Jim setting a live octopus alight. PETA get involved and he is publicly fired from his job. After struggling to find work, he sets up a crematorium which sates his appetite for fire somewhat.
Lucas and Dustin rob a car to go to the drive-thru
It’s a fantasy of many children today even with the availability of modern technology where you can order food to come to your house at the click of a button, so you can imagine the intensity with which these kids wanted a Happy Meal due to boredom in the 1980s. The pair crash roughly 50 metres away from where they took off in the car, but at least they almost got to fulfil their childhood dreams.
Jim finds a new fetish
It’s understandable that his mind went to some dark places after being ironically fired from his job. He wasn’t allowed to use fire to get himself off anymore, so Jim had to turn elsewhere. Then he turned was to biohazard fetishes. Jim spends thousands of dollars on people in hazmat suits blasting him with water just so that he can feel loved to completion. It’s a spicy plot twist and one that’s sure to be interesting to watch unfold.
Lucas tries to slingshot their way out of trouble because that’s sure to help?
Despite them all acknowledging that there are supernatural forces at work, Lucas still brings a slingshot on their adventures which is the equivalent of bringing a butternut squash to help your fishing endeavours. The gang all call him a moron for being so stupid, but when they learn that the creatures from the Upside Down are actually allergic to slingshots, Lucas is the one who has the last laugh in the end.
Steve goes on a rampage calling everyone a pathetic loser and they all get a bit introspective for a while
Credit where it’s due, he’s not far wrong. Steve is blatantly the coolest character on Stranger Things, so this outburst was a long time coming. He has cool parties to attend and pretty girls to be kissing, Steve doesn’t have time for their juvenile shenanigans. His outburst rightfully puts all these dorks in their place and the series ends on a bit of a downer, but Steve is widely hailed as a hero so good for him.
Images via YouTube
