Week 9 – Food boxes.
It’s hard to believe that some of these numpties have managed to stay on The Apprentice for nine weeks, but here we are.
This week, the candidates had to come up with a food box complete with all the ingredients and instructions for a meal that the average consumer should be able to cook.
As always, there was an ample amount of confusion, stupidity, snitching, bitching and backstabbing.
Here’s ten key moments that were sufficiently cringe.
1. Karren’s shoes made her feet look like hooves
Sure, they probably look nicer up close or in a side profile capacity, but this particular camera angle has made it seem as though Karren Brady has got hooves for feet. Look, it’s 2017. Maybe she does have hooves for feet, in which case that’s entirely fine and I intend no offence. But if Karren Brady possesses normal human feet, she needs to return these monstrosities immediately for a full refund.
2. Elizabeth stood uncomfortably close to James in the kitchen
Look at that. LOOK. AT. THAT. The guy is clearly very uncomfortable in this situation, so much so that he’s using the very edge of the table in a bid to create some distance. For some reason, Elizabeth is standing with her stomach pressed up against James, who has raised an arm to point at something to highlight to Elizabeth precisely how close she is.
3. Michaela suggested that they cook chicken curry, despite not knowing how to make it
Ah yes, a terrific idea. Harrison wanted to make a healthy and delicious meal for the task, so what better way to tick both boxes than by making a chicken curry very poorly? The lack of logic is baffling. Perhaps they should’ve attempted to cook a chateaupapier, something neither of them know what it is nor how to make it because I’ve just made it up.
4. Sarah thought that ‘crusade’ meant “to walk around or to travel or explore”
Admittedly, I’ve consulted a dictionary for the precise definition, but I, like most people, knew that Sarah’s understanding of ‘crusade’ was absolutely batshit. A crusade is ‘a vigorous campaign for political, social, or religious change’, according to the Oxford English Dictionary. So Sarah and Bushra associating calling their food box ‘Gourmet Crusaders’ is ambitious, but also insane.
5. Claude struggled to keep a straight face when Michaela was on the phone
Michaela rang Joanna and Jade while they were sitting with the designer and bellowed some cooking instructions down the phone, which was on loudspeaker. She was frantic, pulling facts and methods out of thin air, then advising the girls to reword it so “it doesn’t sound stupid”. Claude, who normally keeps an impartial snitch face, was howling and probably wondering how they manage to find such clowns every year.
6. Joanna dressed as a pea pod, even though their dish didn’t have any peas in it
The fact that one of them had to dress as a pea pod proves that The Apprentice is 100% about watching people making fools of themselves on telly, as opposed to observing how a successful business should be run. Not one of those people pictured above needed to be a pea pod. It made no difference whatsoever to the presentation. Although, when Joanna admitted that the dish didn’t actually contain any peas, it was hysterical. I’ve changed my mind, it was genius.
7. Karren and Claude bonded over their shared concern for Michaela being allowed to cook
It was cute to see the two snitches getting to sit together for once. Usually they’re at different locations with their teams or separated by Lord Sugar and his ego. On this occasion, the dynamic duo sat side by side, bonding over their shared concern for Michaela’s cooking technique. The rice was boiling over and it seemed as though Karren was going to jump up and reduce the heat to a more suitable level. Instead, she jotted it down in her notebook for snitching at a later date. Classic Kaz.
8. James and Bushra presented their team’s product dressed as salt and pepper
Truly, this show is the gift that keeps on giving. As if we didn’t get enough secondhand embarrassment from Joanna dressed as a pea pod, we were then treated to James and Bushra doing their best impression of two thirds of the 80s trio Salt-N-Pepa, minus the talent. It made no sense and it was deeply cringe, particularly the hats. Elizabeth and Sarah somehow escaped the embarrassment, but that’s just regarding their attire.
9. The winning team’s treat involved some sort of tabletop acrobatics
Call me old fashioned, but to me, a reward is either a physical prize, money or something edible. Instead, this week’s winning team were treated to the most bizarre tabletop acrobatic display in existence. The foursome sat on chairs spaced out in front of a long table upon which a group of people did strange things such as balancing on their heads. Congratulations, you’ve won – now avoid eye contact with acrobats for an hour!
10. Lord Sugar told James “You’ve got to man up, sunshine” as he left the boardroom
James thought he was in the clear when Sarah announced that she’d be bringing Elizabeth and Bushra back into the boardroom to be fired. James gleefully stood up, thanked Lord Sugar and wished his fellow teammates good luck. As he opened the door, Lord Sugar unleashed “You’ve got to man up, sunshine”, and with that, James’ smile was wiped clean off his face. It was a playful way of saying “You lucky son of a bitch, you’re next”. In that moment, James’ facial expression suggested that he would now be cancelling his order of ‘Lord Sugar’s Latest Protégé’ business cards.
All images via BBC
