Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear leotards.
I know nothing about comic books, or the many superheroes therein. I’ve seen the original Superman films with Christopher Reeve, and one or two others, but that’s about it. In fact I couldn’t name more than a handful of actual characters.
My mate Tom, however, knows a lot. Way before the current mainstream interest due to all the big-budget cinema releases of the last decade or so, Tom was fully engrossed in the comic book mythologies dating back decades.
@BeardedGenius you disgust me
— Rick Bladerunner (@tom_mcghee) May 4, 2016
It’s not like he’s a nerd or anything. I mean, he is a massive dick, but not your stereotypical poindexter type. He does know his superheroes though, and can go into great detail about the symbolism and allegorical subtext of each storyline.
By way of an introduction into a world I know nothing of, Tom has kindly agreed to list his Top 10 superheroes of all-time, with a brief explanation for each ranking. So without further ado – this is him…
Noz asked me to do this because he is secretly envious of my amazing life – my amazing life of comics [Not true – this is Tom being a dick]. The only trouble with having such an amazing life is that picking a Top Ten of amazing comic book superheroes is nigh on impossible; my top ten today would almost definitely not be my top ten next week (superheroes are amazing*). With that in mind, behold the 100% definitive GOAT superheroes:
10. The Incredible Hulk
Self-explanatory.
9. Black Panther/T’Challa
Black Panther, aka King of Wakanda; married Storm (Top 15 pick easy, X-Men leader, badass) and still catted around like a better-dressed Eddie Murphy.
Blessed with super-human strength, genius level intellect, martial arts and acrobatic expertise, T’Challa has a long association with the Avengers/Illuminati, and makes Reed Richards look like an elastic band (which is largely accurate but still, not much of a power is it?) Being King also helps.
8. Phoenix/Jean Grey
More often dead than alive, Jean Grey – one of the original X-Men – is central to virtually every X-Men story arc/movie/awesome love triangles between Cyclops (boy scout loser/crazy genocidal maniac) and Wolverine (best thing ever).
An Omega level mutant (there’s only like 11 of these and they’re all badass – planet ending badass), Jean got messed up with the cosmic Phoenix Force (loooooooooooooooong story) and never really escaped, achieving some great things (saving everything ever), whilst sometimes making huge mistakes (killing 5 billion people by eating a sun).
Currently a 15-year-old girl from the past, she’s been getting friendly with 200-year-old Logan. Should probably keep an eye on that.
7. Thor, God of Thunder
Has a grossly over-sized hammer – that only he can lift – which can destroy nearly everything (by channeling lightning?!?!) and acts as a boomerang. He’s also a God. It’s almost cheating.
6. Scarlet Witch/Wanda Maximoff
One of Marvel’s most powerful, unpredictable mutants, her comic powers are everything. Literally everything. Think Bart Simpson in Treehouse of Horror where he turns Homer into a Jack-in-the-box.
She’s like that (Bart), but usually good. Magneto’s daughter, his parentage/absence of has left its mark, so everyone is proper nice to her (she has killed a few Avengers/a husband/re-written history twice).
5. Magneto/Eric Lensherr
Daddy’s home (but in that way that depicts an old-fashioned 1950s idyll, where the man of the house returns home from his work at a power factory – not the new, unsavoury way).
Surviving the Nazi death camps, Magneto is the ultimate hammerlegend. Starting his comic life as a pantomime villain, Eric Lensherr’s (if indeed that is his real name – lol, comic jokes – you won’t get it) evolution from bad guy to hero to somewhere in-between, makes him one of comic history’s most relatable characters. And he’s got mad metal skillz yo**
**He once controlled his acolytes – mutants who lived with him on asteroid M – by controlling the flow of iron to their brains. Iron to their brains! Science? Fuck off.
4. Iron Man/Tony Stark
Basically Robert Downey Jr., but with less casual sex/blow, more quips/put-downs, and Iron Man suits enabling him to be Iron Man (spoiler: Tony Stark is Iron Man).
Also drives an R8 and has a helicopter that flies itself and is sexy. Single-handedly kicked off the Marvel era.
3. Captain Steve “Rogers” America
Marvel’s Superman –Â you should hate him but you just can’t. He’s like the America we knew, that time they gave us all that post-war money, before all the obesity and drone strikes (which Cap would HATE). Inclusion largely based on Chris Evans, he ruined Top Gear.
2. Logan/Wolverine
Logan. Patch. Weapon X. James Howlett. These are just four of the four names Logan has gone by over his 200-year existence.
The poster boy for mutant cool, Wolverine is actually the best thing Canada has ever done. Adamantium skeleton, retractable claws (OMFG), and a healing factor 30 (lol, like sun tan cream), Wolverine is the absolute best there is at what he does, i.e. kill people in their 1000s with said claws.
It’s not even close. His hair game is also surf party USA (i.e. good).
1. Batman/Bruce Wayne
The guy who started it all, the original and the best (if you don’t count Superman, which I don’t – nobody does), Bruce Wayne (Batman) was fortunate enough to have his parents shot in front of him, thereby giving him the perfect motive (dead parents) and opportunity (absolutely minted) to fight crime dressed as a bat.
Admittedly, whilst this is highly questionable, he’s basically Sherlock Holmes x Bruce Lee, fighting Chuck Norris x 1000 ninjas x Superman.
Honourable mentions: Storm, Deadpool, Bucky Barnes, Luke Cage, Daredevil, Punisher
Nowhere fucking nears: Superman, Prof X, Cyclops, Ghost Rider, Reed Richards. Do not @ me.
*Ask Noz for other words that mean ‘amazing’
That was Tom, and this is me again. Bit surprised Superman or Spider-Man don’t feature, but what do I know? Please DO @ him if you disagree. In fact, feel free to go into great detail about how he’s wrong – he’ll really appreciate that.
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