More like Space Damn, What A Good Movie!
With the arrival of the news that Space Jam 2 is officially happening, it felt only right that I should rectify my unforgivable shortcomings as a child of the 90s by watching the original movie immediately.
Giddy with excitement, I sat down, counted my blessings that I could get away with watching a 38% Rotten Tomatoes rated movie during work under the guise of journalism and penned my every waking thought about the experience.
Going into it, I knew nothing more than the fact that the film was about basketball, contained Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny and assumed that it would involve space, in some capacity.
Behold a list of dumb thoughts encountered during my first ever viewing of Space Jam.
1. ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ is the tightest song in history, with ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ firmly in second place.
2. Putting the credits at the start of the movie is a baller move because people have no choice but to watch them.
3. Space actually could be animated for all we know.
4. Baseball is just controlled Rounders.
5. Dogs don’t discriminate, they love everyone regardless of whether they’re Michael Jordan or not.
6. It must suck to be a duck and be gluten intolerant.
7. Golf is so boring, the only plausible storyline they could think of was sucking Michael Jordan through the hole.
8. If my friend got sucked into a golf hole I’d probably stick around for a while, rather than pressing to finish the rest of the course.
9. Basketball players must have a hard time buying beds.
10. Was there some kind of contractual obligation where Richard Simmons had to make a cameo in every movie made during the 90s?
11. Bugs Bunny is a sex pest.
12. What’s wrong with being called ‘doll’?
13. Fuck, did Michael Jordan just admit to doping?
14. Pretty sure Pepé Le Pew has taken up residence in our work kitchen. (Back story: It smells really bad at present).
15. Michael Jordan’s family’s hesitance to report him as a missing person after disappearing for days speaks volumes about how safe the world felt in 1996.
16. There should be a maximum height restriction in basketball because it’s an unfair advantage to be tall.
17. Lola Bunny is also a sex pest.
18. If you could transfer talent by touching people, sports massagers would be the most powerful people in the world.
19. I am disappointed that the whole movie isn’t taking place in space. The title is false advertising.
20. Space Jam is a documentary.
21. They better call the sequel ‘2 Much Space 2 Jam In’.
