How, how, HOW is this the 16th series?
‘Hate-watch’ (verb): To watch something for the sake of the enjoyment one derives from mocking or criticising it.
Spade a spade, Made In Chelsea is peak hate-watching content. The characters are infuriatingly posh, the storylines are basically garbage and yet people still flock to the show as a means of escape from their equally tragic everyday life. In the end, nobody wins.
Last night saw the commencement of the SIXTEENTH series (for context, Mad Men only had seven seasons) and brought with it an abundance of cringe.
Here’s 6 of the very worst things I witnessed during my hate-watching of Made In Chelsea.
1. They had CRUSTLESS TRIANGLE SANDWICHES for lunch in the biggest garden I have ever seen
If you’re going to eat lunch in the garden, what does it consist of? A sandwich, maybe some crisps, or if you’ve planned things correctly, a meal deal in which you’ve successfully procured the most expensive items on offer, thereby winning the entire process and shafting the establishment foolish enough to employ such a scheme. But these MICÂ poshos have cupcakes, tarts, tea served in bone China that was probably gifted to them by the Earl of Glanmire and crustless triangle sandwiches that were undoubtedly prepared by the staff. These people make me sick. You cannot wear a jumper around your shoulders unless you’re in the higher income tax bracket.
2. This guy brought a gift of AN ORCHID for his ex
Posh People Are A Different Breed: Proof #567. The gentleman pictured above, Sam, was meeting up with his ex. Things didn’t end on the best of terms between them, mostly because he kissed numerous people on a night out right in front of her. For some reason, likely due to having far more money than anyone ever should, he decided to bring with him a potted orchid as an apology gift. Yes Sam, this will convince her of your devotion. She will instantly swoon at the sight of a potted flower and forget all of your mistakes. GET HER A COFFEE OR A PINT FFS.
3. One of the girls did a naked photo shoot to help herself to get over her ex
How do you get over an ex? Stalk their online profiles, drink an absurd amount of alcohol, destroy your body and mind with a variety of harmful substances such as Grey’s Anatomy repeats and Cheestrings. Yes, that is what normal people do. But the Made In Chelsea cast are different. They have professional photoshoots in the nip draped over a chaise longue that they just happen to own because they are filthy stinking rich. They’ll even get a friend to take the photographs while they sip tea from a cup AND SAUCER.
4. The guy who gifted his ex an orchid was then gifted a BONSAI TREE by his ex
It later transpired that she had ordered it before they had broken up, which made the delivery all the more awkward and at the same time utterly baffling. Has the system changed? Do rich people gift each other flora and fauna now, rather than jewellery, cars and giant wads of cash? Since when are plants and trees desirable gifts? They are chore. The gift of life would be easier to manage than figuring out a Japanese art form whereby you make tiny trees appear as though they are giant ones but scaled down. Death is a better gift, tbqh.
5. The girl who did a nude photoshoot then went on to have A PARTY TO CELEBRATE HERSELF
She kept referring to it as a “Me Party” which frankly just adds to the spectacle. Egged on by her cruel friends, Liv was encouraged to do a nude photoshoot, then have a party celebrating herself complete with said photographs decorated around the garden. She’d been going through a breakup (along with everyone else on this godforsaken show) so apparently did it cheer herself up. Posh people truly are a different breed. They have access to far too much money and are running out of ways to spend it. I can help. Please, get in touch.
6. To get back at her ex, some girl went out with a new guy WHO WAS HIS CLONE
These, surely, are the same people? That’s 100% the exact same necklace. They are the same. A girl who is legitimately referred to as Habbs was trying to get back at the guy on the right, so she went on a date with the guy on the left. The joke is on her, however, as they are blatantly the same person, with the addition of some glasses and slightly larger teeth. Made In Chelsea has run out of camera-ready posh people, so they are now cloning them. This is the end of days. Tell a crush that you love them. Make it known. The end is nigh. Goodbye.
Images via Channel 4
