Emoji-sus Christ.
Currently, our phones have the option of more than five but less than a million emojis. That’s quite a lot but let’s be real, most of them are garbage.
I want better emojis for all. In an ideal world, we won’t have to text words, it’ll just be emojis. We’ve already eliminated the harrowing experience of making phone calls, so let’s go one step further and ban all words from circulation.
Here’s 10 emojis I’d like to see inducted into our repertoire within the next 5-10 years.
1. Harambe (RIP)
The main motivation behind this emoji is so that we can avoid what ensues when you type his name into an iPhone. Warning: readers may be triggered by clicking on the link.
Essentially, the Harambe emoji will shelter us from a world that he had the good sense to leave. People’s insensitivity to his passing will soon be quenched when our dear Harambe becomes immortalised in emoji form.
2. Morgan Freeman’s Freckles
Although adorable, a lot of time can be wasted typing out ‘Morgan Freeman’s freckles’ and if nothing else, emojis are supposed to make our lives easier. With the addition of this essential emoji, we can save time and use that to think about important issues such as the rising price of toasted sandwiches in London. Plus, having his captivating freckles just a fingertip away is likely to be a very comforting feeling.
3. Unimpressed Shania Twain
This one is sure to come in handy when underwhelming things happen such as meeting someone that is a rocket scientist, drives a car or *retches* is literally Brad Pitt. The UST emoji sends a strong message to the recipient that you are far from impressed by their actions and require quite more to sway your interest. Maybe a large Pog collection?
4. Toilet Roll Insert
This multifaceted addition will come in handy in the following situations:
- Sending passive-aggressive messages to your lazy housemates regarding replacing the toilet paper
- Reminding friends to bring their telescopes on upcoming adventures
- Making contact with a nearby family member for emergency toilet provisions
- Alerting friends to the fact that you are currently suffering from a bout of diarrhoea
- Being a totally random legend
5. Freddo
I am legally obligated to express impartiality regarding the price of Freddos. With that in mind, this emoji can be used to express [redacted] in relation to the recent increase in Freddo prices. You can also use it to express to friends that you feel utterly [redacted] by the Government and how you’d prefer if they used some sort of lubricant before they [redacted] you next time.
6. Unhappy Poop
NOT ALL POOPS ARE HAPPY! I can’t be the only one that’s sick of iPhones appropriating poop culture. It’s not all sweetness and smiles, FFS. Some poops are difficult, they’re hard work and leave you emotionally, physically and literally drained afterwards. We need better representation of poops in this modern and progressive society, and I won’t rest until it’s been achieved.
7. Long Toenails
What’s the appropriate toenail length? Wrong. It’s shorter than that. Basically if you toenail is in any way popping out over your actual toe, you are scum and need to be put down immediately. This exceptional emoji proposition provides a subtle yet comical way to inform friends and loved ones that their tiddly nails need a trim. You can also use it sarcastically to suggest the passing of time, e.g. ‘*long toenail emoji* Hey just waiting for a text back xx’
8. Cracked Screen
Let he among us who hasn’t tried to screengrab their cracked screen cast the first stone….. *waits an eternity* ok cool, just me then. Sometimes, things happen. Things out of your control, like 2 for £10 cocktails at happy hour, which results in your phone hopping off the ground as you get out of the taxi, rendering all future phone activities impossible until two paydays away when you can afford a replacement. This emoji says so much by saying so little.
9. ‘This Is Fine’ Dog
I am sick to my back teeth of Googling this meme to send to everyone I know when times get tough. It’s time-consuming, tiresome and as the scriptwriters for JML adverts know all to well, there’s got to be a better way! I want all messages to be one touchscreen gesture away from that adorably fucked little pooch who’s close to burning to death – and I want it now.
10. Brexit
Because the country is on fire, get it? And not in a good way. I’m sick of hearing about Brexit, I hate the word and everyone that uses it. Let’s eliminate the word that sounds like an aggressive antibiotic and simply use this smashing emoji I have created. It’s cuter, more fun and definitely a talking point. Scotland and Northern Ireland are particularly engulfed in flames, let’s start there.
