We’ve had sporadic periods of sunshine throughout the summer, but nothing compared to what it’s like out there this week.
It is absolutely cooking.
That means dodgy shorts, shiny sunglasses and an unstoppable stampede to the nearest beer garden. Yep, ol’ Blighty is feeling the heat, and when that happens, these things happen. Every single bloody time.
1. Supermarkets will sell out of disposable BBQ’s before you manage to get hold of one
It happens every year. As soon as it warms up we all decide that eating undercooked sausages in a park is the only acceptable way to spend the afternoon. Unfortunately, the BBQ supply just never matches the demand and you spend most of the day Google Mapping every Tesco in the region in desperation.
2. At least half of all men in Britain will begin slowly morphing into human prawns
Even when you’re old enough to know better, there’s a strange defiance to suncream in this country.
3. The country is very specifically divided into two categories: those who are terrified of wasps, and those who almost seem at one with them
It’s true. Some people see wasps as tiny, flying death machines that will stop at nothing until they’ve stung every inch of your flesh.
4. The air conditioning in your office doesn’t work, obviously
Of course it takes until 20 fully-suited employees melting at their desks for the bosses to realise that the air-con unit is on the blink and probably needs replacing.
5. Flip-flops, everywhere
The problem isn’t so much that they look clompy and ridiculous (although they definitely do), but more the fact that they fly off so damn easily. Deathtraps, no less.
6. Getting a table in the pub garden is always an epic and bloody battle
There is quite literally nothing more satisfying than drinking a freezing cold beer in the sunshine. Unfortunately, most pubs just don’t have enough benches to go round. Be ready to fight for your place.
7. Redheads and fair-skinned people have to run between shady spots to ensure they don’t perish
https://twitter.com/MisterSirGeek/status/728286221806489600
You’ve got to feel for the gingers – no amount of factor 50 can protect them from sizzling in the sun’s rays, so those of paler complexion spend many a hot day hiding out under a tree.
8. People will willingly pay substantially more than 99p for something that still has the nerve to be called a 99p Flake
We’re all suckers for the ice cream van music, and they know it. Much like the once-mighty Freddo, the price of a 99 seems to inflate every year, meaning that quite often you’re a few coins short, and when that happens you’re forced to relegate your selection to something bang-average like a Mini Milk. It’s probably the Tories’ fault.
9. Hay Fever strikes
If you know, you know.
10. Complaints that it’s too hot
Moaning is quite literally the fabric of being British, so waking up to blue skies and bird songs makes people uncomfortable after a while. Best workaround? Just complain about it being too hot. Can’t sleep, can’t walk, can’t use umbrella. We’re not cut out for the good life.
11. Someone you know will buy a paddling pool
So what if they’re really intended for small children? If it’s inflatable, it’s fun. Fact.
12. Jumpers become goalposts
You can’t spend a sunny afternoon in the park and not expect a game of football to happen. Just when you thought you’d got away with months of gym avoidance…
13. It will probably start raining
If there’s one thing that growing up in Britain has taught us, it’s that no matter how nice the weather is, there’s always a grey cloud or 10 just around the corner waiting to literally rain on our parade. Embrace the sun while you have it, because the most inevitable thing of all is that it won’t last forever.
