No no no no no NOT AGAIN
Hey, not sure if you’ve heard but Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are expecting their first child together. The Royal Baby is imminent. This is not an accidentally-published preempting article.
Trust. No biggie. Don’t expect this news to carry on into tomorrow, let alone this evening. There are bigger fish to fry in the news cycle, such as the climate slowly crumbling into the abyss. Just kidding. This will never end.
As with Harry and Meghan’s engagement, there’s a number of things that are guaranteed to happen once this baby is actually born.
Behold the future.
1. Kay Burley is going to explode live on TV.
2. Commemorative crockery will go on sale with immediate effect, replacing the range featuring Meghan’s ultrasounds.
3. No longer than five seconds after the baby’s birth, a TV reporter will remark on how similar it looks to Princess Diana, who will still be dead at the time.
4. Harry will joke about its hairline being stronger than his. We will laugh because lol how relatable lol.
5. A tabloid will publish a photograph of Meghan with the baby captioned ‘Suits you, Meghan’.
6. A turbo-woke news outlet will write ‘BREAKING: Woman gives birth’ and it will go viral because morons are rampant in the online community.
7. Several of Harry’s exes will comment that they are “thrilled” for the couple despite nobody asking them for a statement.
8. A lipreading expert will be dispatched to the roof of the building opposite where Meghan gives birth.
9. Regardless of gender, Meghan and Harry will consider calling it ‘Neil, the baby’.
10. Someone is going to get a ‘7th in line to the throne, 1st in line to steal the heart of the nation’ tattoo. It will probably be Union Jack man or Kay Burley, or both.
11. Meghan’s Dad will sell iStock images of a baby to anyone dumb enough to believe they are authentic.
12. After briefly meeting the baby for the first time, the Queen will refuse to make it a prince or princess, citing it as “very evil indeed”.
13. Kate will usurp the couple, somehow falling pregnant and genetically altering her gestation period thereby giving birth mere hours before Meghan.
14. Within hours of being born, the baby’s net worth will be calculated and it will be more than any of us will ever earn in our lives 🙂
15. Prince Philip will meet the baby and describe its appearance as “different”.
16. “A source close to the couple” will suggest that the baby is already showing signs of leadership and valour.
17. Somebody will trace back the exact date of conception and it will be the day those boys were freed from the cave in Thailand.
18. Meghan’s American roots will shine through as they ultimately decide to call the baby Oreo.
