Is it okay to listen to 21 Savage if you haven’t heard Savage 1-20 yet?
Still reeling from the news that 21 Savage is *throws up in mouth* secretly British, we must now turn our efforts towards preempting the next ICE clampdown on people overstaying their visas in the United States.
While it’s unknown how authorities worked out that 21 Savage was indeed a Brit all along (he likes to invade the rap scene?), I firmly believe that we can apply a fairly simple logic to determining which other famous and allegedly American people are lying through their filthy, rotten, crooked teeth.
I’ve spent all day trawling through the livelihoods of some of America’s most revered music acts and have narrowed it down to three possible suspects of nationality fraud.
ICE, expect an invoice by COB tomorrow.
Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter
Beyoncé was allegedly born in Houston, Texas on 4th September, 1981, making her a certified U.S. citizen.
However, Beyoncé has a song titled ‘Love On Top’, a very clear reference to the score board system at Wimbledon.
The whole song is littered with references to life in the UK. “Baby I can hear the wind whip past my face”, a very blatant description of the hardships faced during a typical British winter.
“Now everybody ask me why I’m smiling out from ear to ear
(They say love hurts)
But I know (it’s gonna take the real work)
Nothing’s perfect but it’s worth it
After fighting through my tears and finally you put me first”
Is the above verse, or is it not, a very blatant reference to dunking biscuits in your tea? “Nothing’s perfect but it’s worth it” clearly details the risk you run when you repeatedly dunk, tempting fate with each contact between the custard cream and the brew, daring it to crumble. “Finally you put me first” appears to reference a breakthrough, wherein the biscuit has held its form after three dunks. It can now melt in Beyoncé’s delicate $355m net worth mouth. A true American would NEVER find the courage to triple dunk. Their DNA forbids it.
Furthermore, in the hit 2013 song ‘Drunk In Love’, Beyoncé continually says “We be all night”, a glaring reference to 24-hour Tescos and their accessibility. She also asks “Why can’t I keep my fingers off you, baby?”, a clear nod to the TV remote control, which she’s using to watch a host of channels including BBC, Channel 4 and even Dave. Can you watch them in the US? Probably, but you’d have to pay extra and it’s a bit of hassle. The signs are everywhere.
The final nail in the coffin comes in the form of Beyoncé’s offspring. Her firstborn, a daughter, is named after the finest boyband this godforsaken country has ever produced. Blue. Beyoncé named her daughter Blue because she too was moved by such relentless bangers as ‘All Rise‘, ‘One Love‘ and ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word‘.
The above evidence proves beyond reasonable doubt that Beyoncé is a Brit and her real name is likely to be Beverly (Bev for short). Return her to the UK at once, preferably for five nights at the O2 Arena.
Kanye Omari West
Kanye West was allegedly born on 8th June, 1977, in Atlanta, Georgia, making him a US citizen.
The hit 2007 song ‘Flashing Lights’ is very clearly written in tribute to the self-service checkouts in UK supermarkets, which emit a flashing light at the top when they encounter a problem.
“As I recall, I know you love to show off
But I never thought that you would take it this far
What do I know? Flashing lights, lights”
Blatantly, what’s being described here is the time that Ye was purchasing some Mini Cheddars, when the self-scanner believed there to be an unexpected item in the bagging area. Baffled, Kanye enlisted the help of an experienced supermarket worker, citing “What do I know? Flashing lights, lights”. She quickly scanned her ID badge, keyed in a special code to override the system and then Kanye was on his merry way, clubcard points intact.
Not enough evidence? Then allow me to remind you the part in ‘Love Lockdown’ where Kanye pens a glowing tribute to something (or someone) very dear to him.
I’m not loving you, way I wanted to
I can’t keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got something to lose, so I gotta move
I can’t keep myself, and still keep you too
Let’s break it down. This thing can’t keep its cool, nor can Kanye, meaning he can’t love it in the precise way in which he’d like to. What mysterious item notoriously cannot keep its cool? Ambrosia Rice Pudding, obviously! Only a true Brit would know that this delicious treat struggles to retain its temperature, whether hot or cold. He’s had to give it up because he simply cannot have imperfection. He is Kanye West, he cannot wait for Ambrosia Rice to reach room temperature, not while he’s got songs to write, insane tweets to compose and Grammys to win.
Finally, lest we forget, Kanye’s surname is West. America is located to the west of the United Kingdom. Not only has the man taken up residency under false pretences, he is trolling us with his stage name. His real moniker is Kanye East and he is from Manchester, which is why he called his daughter North. Get him back to the UK immediately, ideally to play Glastonbury.
Taylor Alison Swift
Taylor Swift was allegedly born on 13th December, 1989, in Reading, Pennsylvania.
Reading? Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Pretty sure it’s a lovely little town in Berkshire. Convenient, that. Pennsylvania also sounds a lot like Sylvania-n Families, but perhaps that’s all just a coincidence? We must dig deeper.
For starters, the song ‘Bad Blood’ gives away Taylor’s fondness for colloquialisms, as sources close to the star have said that she regularly refers to loved ones as ‘blud’ or simply ‘mate’. Could an American do that? Absolutely not, they are forbidden from using any terms other than ‘sport’, ‘buddy’ and for some reason, ‘compadre’.
Let’s take a closer look at the lyrics to ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’, if we may.
“I remember when we broke up, the first time
Saying, this is it, I’ve had enough…We are never ever, ever getting back together
We are never ever, ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
But we are never ever, ever, ever getting back together”
Funny that. Perhaps the “we” she’s referring to is the United Kingdom and the European Union? In fact, it’s incredibly likely. Taylor is talking about Brexit because she’s worried that her status as a citizen of the UK could be unearthed once it comes into effect. Taylor Swift predicted Brexit in 2012, a cool four years before the vote even took place. She tried to warn us all, but we didn’t listen.
But what about the fact that Taylor Swift has an album called ‘Red’, which is the colour of phone booths and postboxes in the UK, as well as Paddington’s hat and Ed Sheeran’s hair. She’s trolling us. Taylor Swift is flaunting her British citizenship in front of us all and making fools out of the entire nation of Great Britain. ICE, apprehend this emigrant at once. Return her to the UK where she must eat crumpets and scones until she apologises for misleading the nation.
