So. We meet again, ‘fashion’. I’ve been expecting you.
Golden Goose, an Italian designer shoe brand based in Venice, has followed in Versace’s muddy footsteps and boldly launched an item of clothing EXCLUSIVELY for terrible, terrible, awful human beings.
What they have done is… what they have done is, they have made these shoes.
Please, your eyes for a moment.
They cost £335.
Three hundred and thirty-five.
Great British pounds sterling.
For this.
Is that… is that actual dog shit? Is it?
Is that real dog turd they have used to so lovingly recreate the look of a pair of some nice shoes you buy? You know the pair you immediately wear to the pub to show your mates and then consequently ruin after you end up in a club; toes trampled to bloody stubs on the dancefloor, disgusting toilet residue soaking into the material as you tiptoe into the cubicle, ending the night stumbling blindly through a muddy field with a bag of chicken nuggets.
Is that real dog excrement?
£335! To look like this guy! This guy with. Tape. On. His. Shoes. Also: a keyring attached to his jeans!
Here is some copy about the shoes, found on Ssense.com, courtesy of the designers of the shoes, in order to convince you that, yeah, these are definitely the shoes for you, you massive, impressionable, bellend.
Here is some copy. I have added a translation, for convenience.
“Art-inspired luxury fashion label Golden Goose offers countless vintage-inspired iterations of the rock and roll-inspired Superstar sneaker.”
You will literally be the biggest wanker in the entire world if you wear these. You could wear these to an Arsenal match, to an All Bar One on a Saturday night, to open auditions for Love Island, and you would still BE GUARANTEED to be the single worst person there.
“Distressed suede upper. Smudged rubber midsole. Treaded gum rubber outsole. Low-top. Lace-up closure.”
What us designers mean when we call things ‘distressed’ is: we think being poor is kinda… kinda edgy, right? Kinda neat. Kinda sassy. Not having money to afford things, am I right??? Honestly. Could you even imagine??? Not having money for our weekly juice cleanse, our seventh teeth whitening course, our pilates class, let alone several hundred pounds of disposable income for a pair of shoes that look like you found them hung over a telephone wire. We would actually. DIE.
“Padded tongue and collar. Logo at tongue, side, and heel tab. Signature perforated star at side. Tape trim at toe and heel.”
Also: we think you are idiots who will buy anything we tell you to. Have some tape trim on the toe and heel, you peasant.
“Colour: ‘creme skate’ beige”
The colour… the colour of white people going too far once again.
Remember, kids: fashion is for rich people to understand. It’s not for me. It’s not for you. It’s for people who can actually afford things, yah? Yah. Let’s just make that clear. Fashion is for people to tell others: look at me. I have more money than I need. Let me demonstrate this. Let me display it for all, like a peacock does its feathers, like a baboon does its gigantic, bulbous arse.
You can buy the shoes on the internet. I’m not going to give you a link. Google it, buy them, wear them, pretend you are everything and decay, atom by atom, day by day, just like the rest of us.
Except with some fucking tape on your shoes.
