It’s finished.
The Premier League campaign that saw Leicester City – yes Leicester f*cking City – defy all odds and become Champions of England for the first time in their history has reached its conclusion.
English giants Newcastle United and Aston Villa were relegated, Louis van Gaal spent north of £200m on a Europa League spot and Spurs didn’t so much resurrect the term “Spursy” as they painted it in towering letters across the North London skyline.
We wouldn’t be surprised if a good chunk of the East Midlands spent most of their summer breaks re-watching Eden Hazard’s title-deciding strike and leaping around their living rooms chanting “chat sh*t, get banged” until they’re hoarse in the throat. Foxes fans aren’t in any hurry to come back down to earth, and nor should they be.
But for the rest of us the weekends suddenly look ominously barren, so we thought we’d give you some suggestions about how to fill the void between now and the start of next season. It’s time to de-Vardify your mind.
1. Start working through your terrifyingly large Netflix backlog
Even the most dedicated binger can’t keep up with the relentless volume of shows added to the streaming service. But less Gary Lineker means more Saul Goodman. Get stuck in.
Hearty meals and dirty deals. #BetterCallSaul pic.twitter.com/NivJDTzJIc
— Netflix UK & Ireland (@NetflixUK) May 10, 2016
2. Catch up on politics
So much going on: Trump, Brexit, the ongoing Boaty McBoatface fallout. It’s all going f*cking bananas out there.
3. Go to the pub and talk about something other than football (even though you know that’s virtually impossible)
There’s plenty of beer-based topics of conversation that will wind away many an hour in the boozer. But somehow the conversation always seems to veer back towards 11 men and a ball. See how long you can last.
4. Spend sunny Saturday afternoons locked away in your bedroom playing video games
Summer is never the optimum time for gaming; most of the year’s really big hitters are released in the run-up to to Christmas. But it’s hardly dry season either: Uncharted 4, No Man’s Sky and Mirror’s Edge Catalyst are all brilliant ways to dodge your vitamin D fill.
5. Read some books
With no football on the telly it’s the perfect time to give the local bookshop a much-needed cash injection and find yourself a page-turner or two. Alternatively, you could combine the two passions and work your way through our recommended football books.
6. Focus on festival season
Swap your weekend of football, beer and chips for a weekend of live music, beer and chips. Given that there are about eight million festivals in the UK alone these days, you can very easily dance the transfer window away.
7. Tackle those boring household chores that you’re running out of excuses for not doing
Granted, swapping Riyad Mahrez screamers for Henry Hoover is never going to be the most glamorous of trades, but without the weekend’s biggest preoccupation you might as well earn some brownie points. Unless you live alone, in which case go back to number one on the list and knock yourself out.
8. Spend an entire day in Ikea, just because you can
If number seven went well then you might have acquired a new-found taste for the practical side of life. You’ve not lived until you’ve spent a whole Sunday browsing shelves.
9. Get your strawberries out and watch the tennis
When football goes, tennis comes in to plug the gap. We wouldn’t have serious money on a Leicester-style shock at Wimbledon, but have your strawberries on hand just in case.
10. Intensely study made-up transfer rumours that you know deep down will never actually materialise
There may be no more Premier League for a few months, but you’d better believe there will be a transfer saga or ten to keep us entertained. If you’re not frantically checking Twitter each morning to see what your club is supposedly up to in the window then you’re a better human being than any of us. Just beware of the dreaded “ITK”.
11. Prove your cultural credibility by going to a museum
No football on the brain? Fill your head with prehistoric wonder instead! While you’re not being hounded by live score updates you should seize the opportunity to learn something new.
12. Go on more countryside walks
No seriously. It’s impossible to fully appreciate the serenity of a bloody good river when you’re constantly wondering if Liverpool have p*ssed away a two-goal lead in the second half. Use the downtime to reacquaint yourself with nature.
13. Actually play football
The British summer is short and cruel. If the sun’s out then there’s no better way of enjoying it than a kickabout that reminds you just how much you need to renew that gym membership.
14. Take up a new sport
Use the freedom of summer months to get yourself a new hobby. Golf? Jogging? Or if you’re feeling a bit more adventurous why not look into one of these obscure extreme sports?
15. Just watch the Euros instead
The Premier League season might have finished but football won’t actually be out of our lives for more than a few weeks. Euro 2016 kicks off June 10 and to be honest we can’t flipping wait. Will Roy’s boys make up for the shambolic World Cup display? Will France conquer in their own back yard? Will Northern Ireland and Wales shine on the big stage? We’ll find out next month. What would we do without football, eh?
