Calling your teacher ‘mum’
School is a breeding ground for embarrassing moments. Everyone’s jostling for attention, everyone wants to stand out while at the same time trying to fit in, and your hormones are running rampant.
The most embarrassing thing anyone could possibly do at that age was to call a female teacher ‘mum’. Or even worse, a male teacher.
It’s cringeworthy on so many levels. Crying for your mum in front of your peers was social suicide and there was no coming back.
W*nk invasion
Most teenage lads soon develop a… life-long acquaintance with their little friend. Many a cold night was spent ‘choking the chicken’, ‘flogging the dolphin’ or ‘enjoying a date with date with Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters’. These teenage kicks were usually undertaken in the haven of your own bed.
Sadly, nothing is sacred when you’re living with family. There was always the danger of being caught red-handed by an unwelcome parent.
This was far worse than a jazz mag in your school bag or a crusty sock under your bed, simply because it meant looking your mother in the eye – and her looking you in the eye, so to speak – at the worst possible moment.
Parents having sex
If you think that’s bad, imagine the horror of the exact opposite…but worse.
After a certain age, we subconsciously accept – but try to ignore with every fibre of our being – that mum and dad have done the dirty at least once when we were conceived. That’s right – they had red-hot animalistic sex.
They rutted like stags.
Thankfully the human brain is able to take such dark thoughts and compartmentalise them into furthest reaches of your working mind. That’s unless you’re unlucky enough to witness, however fleetingly, the monstrous sight of mum and dad vigorously bumping uglies. That sickening image never leaves you.
Using the ex’s name
If you thought that your most embarrassing moments were behind you when entering adulthood, you couldn’t be more wrong. In fact it’s worse – you can no longer blame your mortifying blunders on youthful innocence – every toe-curling f*ck-up is all your stupid fault.
Perhaps the most innocent yet catastrophic mistake is calling your partner – the person you claim to love more than any soul on this Earth – by an ex-girlfriend’s name. Worst still if it’s in the throes of passion. It’s the ultimate relationship brainfart and you’re lucky if she doesn’t change the locks.
Mucky internet history
Sometimes, “Can I quickly just check something on your laptop love?” followed by “Yeah sure, go for it…” can be the precursor to the most awkward moment of your life.
That unguarded and breezy reply can lead to a loved one or friend finding out about the very darkest side of your personality…and preferences.
They now have access to your machine, which means having access to your internet history. A place so strewn with seedy searches and depraved webpages that they’ll never look at you in the same way again.
Sadly, the pathetic excuse that you left your laptop unguarded for the last few hours won’t wash. Neither will what they saw.
Misreading office advances
They say that a significant and growing number of romantic connections are initiated in the work place. But they also say ‘Don’t sh*t on your own doorstep’, so don’t listen to them.
‘They’ are idiots and will have you wanting the office carpet to open up and swallow you into the open-plan floor below.
The problem with flirting in the work place is that it’s not always actual flirting. What you perceive as a slow-burning romance could be seen as friendly chitchat by the other person. It means that the Christmas party can be a breeding ground for horrendously misconstrued messages and mortifying snubs.
Still – at least you don’t have to see each other again every single day of your working life…
