RIP journalism, etc.
The royal baby is coming and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. Not legally.
He/she is expected to arrive any day now, but what are they going to call this precious child?
Let’s pretend that the name wasn’t decided long before conception even took place. Let’s just indulge the fantasy that Kate and William frequently peruse JOE.co.uk for inspiration. They’re going to read this list and methodically work their way through the suitability of each name because they trust us and value our thoughts.
Your Royal Highnesses, look no further than this incredible piece of journalism.
Prince For Sale
Do you get it? This is a play on words because it sounds like ‘Prints for sale’, although it is indeed Prince For Sale. The Royals are known for their smashing sense of humour, often tittering at the Royal Variety Show and even cracking an unscheduled smirk every now and then. William and Kate could easily outshine Meghan and Harry’s attempt at seeming relatable by calling their newborn Prince For Sale. He will then grow up to be a struggling artist, struggling in the sense of achieving credibility rather than finances. Prince For Sale won’t need to inform people that his work is for sale because his name already answers that question. We could be looking at the next Picasso, minus the ass picking. Please just consider it, Royals. That’s all I’m asking.
Little’un Middleton
It rhymes, so that’s a lot of fun. But also, this name is incredibly accurate. Until such time as Kate decides to have another baby, this child (male or female) will indeed be the littlest’un in the royal family. Personally, I would pay big bucks to hear The Queen giving a speech that requires her posh little voice to say “…and of course, Little’un Middleton, whose arrival has brought great joy into the family”, or however she wants to phrase it. William seems game, he’s usually up for a laugh. But the USP of this whole plan is that we would get to hear posh people introducing their family as “Princess Charlotte, Prince George and Little’un Middleton”. For some reason this baby is taking Kate’s surname. Do not @ me.
Neil, The Baby
Spade a spade, I’m just a huge Gavin & Stacey fan. The way they scripted it so that Nessa and Smithy’s child was always referred to as “Neil, the baby” had me in convulsions every time. Imagine William emerging from the hospital to the awaiting press. He unfolds a sheet of paper and deadpan announces to the masses “Catherine and I are delighted to announce the arrival of Neil, the baby”. A Sky News correspondent yelps so loud that it distracts William from his speech. Laughter erupts and for some reason Uncle Bryn bursts through the hospital entrance in full doctor attire. He high fives William and everything fades to black. I want to live in this world.
Jelly
As in royal jelly, do you get it? Royal jelly is a honey bee secretion that is used in the nutrition of larvae, as well as adult queens. It is secreted from the glands in the hypopharynx of nurse bees, and fed to all larvae in the colony, regardless of sex or caste. Also, Royal Jelly sounds a lot more appealing than ‘honey bee secretion’, but I’ll leave it up to William and Kate since it’s their child after all. Even jelly on its own is great. You can eat it plain, add some ice cream, heck, go wild and plonk some custard on there. This feeds into my personal fascination with animals being named after inanimate objects. My primary school friend had a hamster called Spatula and it really suited him. Anyway, call the royal baby Jelly. I beg you.
Willow
This one makes far more sense than I’m willing to admit, but I’m still adding it in for good measure. Basically, The Queen’s last Welsh Corgi died on Sunday. She was nearing 15 years of age and The Queen is said to be devastated by her loss. The dog’s name, as you might have guessed, was Willow. The very least that William and Kate can do is to name their impending child after Her Majesty’s beloved dog. The pooch starred in that Olympics sketch with Daniel Craig. She was royalty. Her legacy must carry on through a newborn child. Plus, one of Will Smith’s children is called Willow AND it rhymes with pillow. This is a no-brainer.
Baby Cakes
That song is an absolute tune and if William and Kate have even half an ounce of banter buried deep inside them, they’ll do the right thing and call their baby Cakes. Baby cakes, you just don’t know how I, I, how I like it down low. And I just want you to know that I think our love will grow. Will take it step by step because I’m not something you own. Baby cakes, you just don’t know how I, I, how I like it down low. And I just want you to know that I think our love will grow. Will take it step by step because I’m not something you own.
Beyoncé
The Royals, as far as I’m concerned, don’t have any surnames. Nor do I care to figure out what they are. So for the purpose of this argument, I am assuming that they do not have surnames, similar to Madonna and Beyoncé. For far too long, Beyoncé has had a monopoly going on her name. People are too frightened to name their children after her because she’s got quite a presence to live up to. That name carries weight, but the unborn royal baby already meets a lot of the criteria. It’s going to be famous, it doesn’t have a surname, it will have loads of cash and it will probably have terrific hair. Will, Kate, if you’re reading this – call the baby Beyoncé, cowards.
Kay Burley
Probably the most deserving name of all, royal baby Kay Burley just sounds right. The OG Kay Burley needs this more than any of our natural brains have the capacity to understand. She’s been there from the start, covering every Royal Bowel Movement that’s ever gone down. Kay hasn’t slept in 57 years, she is exhausted. Her relentless royal coverage will never reach a definite conclusion, not unless we bestow this great gift upon her. Let’s name the royal baby Kay Burley and never look back. Let’s name the next baby Sky News, and the one after that will be baby Follow Kensington Palace On Twitter. If you don’t keep up with the times, you’re going to get left behind. Thank you.
