Winter > Summer, do not @ me
There comes a time everyone’s life where you have to take a stand and speak up for what you believe in.
Now that Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp’s Adventure has been made, I’m ready to pledge my efforts to another worthy cause. I believe that winter is better than summer and I won’t stop until every last sinner on earth agrees with me, because I am absolutely right.
Summer is trash, winter is trash, but bear with me, winter is slightly less trash than summer.
Winter is the superior season and if you think differently, please allow me to detail the ways in which you are dead wrong.
YOU MIGHT GET A DAY OFF WORK BECAUSE OF THE SNOW!
Sorry for shouting. Statistically, it is more likely to snow in the winter than the summer. Ergo, the prospect of getting a snow day is significantly higher during the winter months. That means you might get to spend an entire day trapped inside your house with your insufferable housemates, forced to eventually eat each other due to a lack of food and entertainment. We all know Pete hasn’t really been pulling his weight around the house lately, he never takes the bins out when it’s his turn and he definitely was the one who ate Lucy’s deep dish Chicago style pizza. A snow day is the perfect opportunity to do a quick purge of your least favoured housemates and you can frame the cold snap for murder. Also, you won’t have to go to work but they’ll still have to pay you. There are no negatives here. Winter wins.
YOU CAN GO TO THE CINEMA WITHOUT SOME LOSER TELLING YOU IT’S TOO NICE OF A DAY OUT TO DO THAT!
Have you ever gone to the cinema during the summer? Even the staff are like, “Mate? Are you sure?” and their livelihoods actually depend on the custom. The temperature gauge hits the high teens and suddenly everyone becomes an expert on whether or not you should spend 90 minutes of your day sitting in a very dark room watching Jennifer Lawrence trying to get another Oscar. Life is hard enough without being shamed for your personal interests. Just because it’s warm out doesn’t mean we all have to absorb every second of it outdoors. The sun is bad for your skin and being sweaty is repulsive. You have to lie and say you were beating up a puppy rather than going to the cinema during the summer for fear of ridicule. But in winter? You can hit that bad boy (the cinema) five times a week and it’s practically applauded.
BEING COLD IS BETTER THAN BEING HOT!
Have you ever been too cold? Right, now stick with me on this. Have you ever been too warm? Which would you say was worse? Right now you’re thinking that being too warm is actually quite nice, but that’s only because it’s been a while since that happened. Remember the summer? Remember when it got far too warm and we all came very close to melting? Cars were roasting, trains were suffocating us all to death, everyone was dripping in sweat at all times and the office was incredibly stinky because apparently nobody knows how to use deodorant anymore. Being too cold is better. You can warm up far quicker than you can cool down, shivering burns loads of calories and frankly, every single person on earth looks 12% cuter with a red nose from the cold. Plus, when you exhale on a cold day it looks like you’re vaping. There are no negatives to being too cold. Except frostbite, hypothermia and subsequent death, but that’s it.
CHRISTMAS!
Whatever your particular beliefs, we can all agree that time off work is straight fire. Whether that comes in the form of annual leave, a bank holiday or a celebration of a potentially fictional character’s birthday, who cares. In summer, you get three measly bank holidays. That is simply not enough. If you want to go on holidays, you have to use up annual leave and chances are you’re going to get at least one text while you’re away saying “You should’ve stayed at home – weather is amazing!” from a family member or malicious friend. But winter has your back. Play your cards right and you’ll be getting a heap of time off between Christmas and New Years, depending on the soundness of your employer. Plus, there’s actually good stuff on the telly. Summer TV is basically just Love Island, so the decision to make a Winter Love Island has clinched this one as well.
IT’S DARK OUTSIDE, WHICH IS PERFECT BECAUSE IT MATCHES YOUR SOUL!
Maybe you’re mad perky and have your life together, in which case you can just skip to the next point because this one definitely isn’t for you. Everyone else, please proceed. There’s something about long, dark evenings that connects to your soul. It’s indescribable, but you feel at home. You go to work when it’s dark, you get home when it’s dark, you are basically living in a Tim Burton movie and it feels right. You listen to slightly moodier music, maybe you contemplate buying some fingerless gloves and chucking on some black nail polish, and that’s alright. Winter puts you in touch with your darker side, especially around Halloween. You get to be the spooky bitch that you’ve always wanted to be. Indulge it. Summer is for horse girls and regatta enthusiasts.
ALLERGIES GENERALLY PISS OFF DURING WINTER!
Listen, I’m no expert in how the climate works or what insects do for the other nine months of the year, but to the best of my knowledge, they all piss off during the winter. You can’t get a mosquito bite in Britain during the winter months, not unless you physically seek it out. Now, it’s important to acknowledge that the winter version of allergies is a head cold, but that lasts for about a week and then you’re finished. Allergies come and go as they please, ruining summer and putting tissue manufacturers out of business. At least with a head cold you know where you stand. Frankly, I will take a week-long head cold over intermittent allergies for four months of the year.
THE FASHION CHOICES SLAP CONSIDERABLY MORE!
Depending on your gender and desire to be à la mode, summer can descend into a chaotic contest to see who can look the best in as little clothing as possible. For those of us who view ourselves as the human embodiment of a sack of rooster potatoes, that’s a daunting race to be a spectator of, let alone try to compete in. But winter doesn’t care where your abs are hiding. Winter is a reliable lover who values what’s inside. Winter wants you to order Domino’s and also raid the treat cupboard while you wait for it to be delivered. In winter, you can add layers and experiment. You can wear boots! Everyone looks cooler in boots. But flip flops? They’re not for everyone and it’s high time that we, as a society, acknowledge that. Hats are cool, big duffle coats slap, scarves are a timeless classic. Winter wins, yet again.
WINTER FOOD > SUMMER FOOD!
Since the beginning of time, it has been paved into the population’s psyche that during summer, the only dinner you will be having is either a light salad or a monstrous amount of burnt food from a barbecue. There is no middle ground, those are the only options. If mum was in charge, salad. If dad was in charge, BBQ. “It’s just too hot, I don’t feel like cooking”, mum would announce as she got to work on making some hard boiled eggs and ruining your entire evening. But in winter, everything is on the table. Roasts, curries, spicy things, oven stuff, microwave dinners, chocolate for tea, everything. And let’s not forget the seasonal selection, such as pigs in blankets, flavoured coffee drinks for an exorbitant price, Pringles on a constant supply at home and so! much! soup! You’re eating good and you’re eating right during winter. Carbohydrates are there to mind you.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE UP ELABORATE WEEKEND PLANS TO IMPRESS YOUR COLLEAGUES ANYMORE!
Might just be me here, but summer weekend plans are excruciating to listen to and impossible to compete with. Someone in work is always climbing a mountain or single-handedly watering every plant in the country for the weekend, and then the “What about you?” question arrives. “Nothing” can only be offered up so many times before they gently suggest that you get a fucking life. Summer demands elaborate plans, Instagram stories and relentless bragging. If you can’t keep up, you must keep off. “Oh, just having a chilled one”, you say, but they’ve already decided that you are a sad loser. A quiet weekend? In summer? Isn’t there a beer garden you can fester in, you big saddo? Enter: Winter. The life of a recluse is applauded and revered worldwide. You must shield yourself from the wicked elements, for that is the only way to survive. You can be your true self during winter. Don’t give the weather the opportunity to ruin your plans. Simply never make any!
