THE COUNTRY HAS LOST ITS GODDAMN MIND.
So far this week, we have been subjected to images of Meghan & Harry swimsuits, Meghan & Harry wooden spoons, Meghan & Harry condoms and also Meghan & Harry themselves. It is truly harrowing and breaking point is near.
But where do we draw the line? At what point does the nation stand up and declare that enough is enough? Personally, I think that time has long passed us. We are beyond escape at this point.
As the old saying goes ‘If you can’t beat them, join them, but in an aggressively satirical way’. So here’s nine troubling Royal Wedding merch items that I’m fairly confident are being flogged in some bootleg market outside Norwich right now.
1. Harry & Meghan Toilet Brush
Wash your sins away with the help of the happy couple. It’s yours for just £9.99.
2. Harry & Meghan Coffin
Prove your patriotism by being buried in a coffin fit for a sixth in line to the throne. RIP, champ.
3. Harry & Meghan Pregnancy Test
Depending on your intended outcome, feel one of two ways about the results with this smitten pair tagging along for company.
4. Harry & Meghan’s Hot Sauce
Feeling hot hot hot? Add a little spice to your meal with Harry & Meghan’s hot sauce. Just like their love, it will blow you away.
5. Harry & Meghan Bra & Knicker Set
Prove to the world that you’re consumerist scum by wearing these under your regular clothes on Harry & Meghan’s wedding day. The items are unisex and yours for just £24.95.
6. Harry & Meghan Nail Clippers
Tidy those thumbs and also fingers with this pocket-sized clipper, graced with His and Her Royal presence to guide you to safety.
7. Harry & Meghan Viagra
Get hard for your country with Harry and Meghan’s official viagra merchandise. Then lie back and think of England, champ.
8. Harry & Meghan Verruca Socks
Love swimming but hate verrucas? Well fret no more as Harry and Meghan will keep your feet free from warts and they’ll do it with a smile. These socks are yours for just £12.99 plus P+P.
9. Harry & Meghan Dildo
Do you love the Royals? Do you really and truly love them? Good. Then I do not need to finish this caption. Just go. That’s enough. ENOUGH.
