Heck-no Bellerín, more like.
It’s no secret that the Arsenal footballer considers himself a bit of a fashionista.
Much to the delight of internet users worldwide, Hector regularly updates his Instagram and Twitter with some stunning imagery that’s ripe for a respectful and intensive analysis.
I’ve taken ten of Hector’s standout looks and critiqued them like the acclaimed fashion critic that I wish I was.
Look #1 – A member of The Kooks
https://www.instagram.com/p/BdkiN8Cn1oU/?taken-by=hectorbellerin
This young man is a member of The Kooks. He’s also been in a lot of underground bands that you haven’t even heard of because they’re not in the mainstream music scene, which is garbage of course. He smokes rollies and pretends to be broke even though he’s got a very healthy bank account.
He’s often overheard bragging about how he can eat loads of takeaways and never gain any weight, but also wants to cut back on his drinking if he wants to get serious about ‘the whole music thing’. He always smells of cigarettes and tells people that Scarface is his favourite movie even though he’s never seen it.
Look #2 – Jonno from work
https://www.instagram.com/p/BdSZJ3LHJ0s/?taken-by=hectorbellerin
Jonno from the office wears shirts that are blatantly too tight and eats two plain chicken breasts with a kilogram of rice and hot sauce in the kitchen every lunchtime, no exception. Every time there’s a staff night out, he has to go home early because he’s been too much of a massive legend and gotten obscenely drunk in a very short space of time.
He goes on a lads holiday every summer and will talk about it for a combined total of six months during the build up and aftermath. Jonno has captioned his last three Instagrams ‘Great catch up with the lads’ and once used the hashtag #mensfashion on a picture of himself on a night out.
Look #3 – Your local barista
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bbo-aUNgEcT/?taken-by=hectorbellerin
Barista boy flirts with everyone because the tip jar is his means of escape from the godforsaken hellhole that is the coffee shop just off the main street. He does chronic latte art that usually ends up looking like wonky penises, but customers refuse to get disgruntled because he flashes them a cheeky smile and then gives a 10% discount.
He once gave a guide dog a free cup of whipped cream and instantly secured three girls’ phone numbers for being so considerate. Barista boy has exclusively worn denim since 2005 and is working on a music demo that he will send to Chris Moyles because his friend’s brother went to school with him, so he’s promised to put in a good word.
Look #4 – A youth
https://www.instagram.com/p/BU9P-daA-7Y/?taken-by=hectorbellerin
This youth is tired of hanging around outside the off licence and begging people to buy him precisely two cans of beer, so he’s taken to Instagram as a viable means of income. He heard that models are often scouted through this social media platform, so has really been upping his presence and image quality on the site lately.
He dropped out of school because it was ‘doing his head in’ and now helps out at his Mum’s office printing photocopies of legal documents and getting coffees for the upper management. He unironically rides a scooter while his mates use skateboards and once ate two footlong Subways for a bet. This youth is hard, as his matching tracksuit and pristine trainers clearly show.
Look #5 – A drug lord
https://www.instagram.com/p/BWsCffbg_RV/?taken-by=hectorbellerin
This guy watched Narcos once and decided that a life of drug lordery was the one for him. He started small, dealing prescription medication to his friends that he stole by intercepting hospital deliveries, then graduated into the business of selling heavier narcotics.
He’s what other drug lords would describe as ‘small time’, but he doesn’t see it that way. His asthma gets in the way of him smoking as many cigars as he’d like, but he makes up the bravado of a drug lord by wearing hideous shirts and getting meaningless tattoos. He still lives at home and also none of the above has ever happened but he dreamt it once.
Look #6 – A cold youth
https://www.instagram.com/p/BRGlWGWgE1L/?taken-by=hectorbellerin
This cold youth takes his Mum’s advice before he leaves the house. If she tells him to wrap up warm, you can bet your bottom that he’s going to do it. One time he wore nothing but a t-shirt and a pair of jeans in February and was struck down with a heavy head cold for days. “Never again”, he whimpered as he got ‘never again’ tattooed across his chest.
As a person, this youth is extremely tough and cool. He’ll smile at old people on the bus, but call them ‘wrinkly dorks’ to his mates. One time he put some Mentos mints in a bottle of Diet Coke and the explosion shot up at least half a metre into the sky. His room is always tidy and he cleans his trainers twice a month with industrial strength bleach.
Look #7 – A techno DJ
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPC7lOiDEby/?taken-by=hectorbellerin
This DJ tweets Skrillex things like ‘Yes bro’ when he releases a new track and ‘Tasty’ when he posts a picture of his dinner. His undiscovered talent is the greatest injustice in life, which falls in second place behind that time he came really close to winning a Pikachu in the grabby machine at the arcade.
He’s a firm believer of the saying ‘Dress for the job you want’ and as we can see above, the job he wants is clearly that of a practicing magician. He shares his “sick beats” on Soundcloud and has just celebrated reaching twelve listens on the first track that he uploaded six years ago. If you want guest list for any gig, he’s your man, as long as that gig is at his house.
Look #8 – A disgruntled commuter
https://www.instagram.com/p/BOj27pRjknl/?taken-by=hectorbellerin
This disgruntled gentleman is serving us an abundance of chilly vibes as he waits for the bus home from school. The service hasn’t adhered to the timetable in weeks, it must be something to do with those new roadworks coming through town. He’s been waiting at the stop for fifteen minutes and it’s freezing. He is not impressed.
Luckily, this moody commuter has the warmth of his Beats by Dr. Dre to keep his precious little ears from the cold. He’s been listening to the new Katy Perry album a lot, but on a private session so his Spotify friends can’t see his inner adoration for soft pop. If that bus doesn’t come soon, he’s going to compose a strongly worded tweet to the company. You’ve been warned.
Look #9 – Unexpected early morning delivery recipient
Arsenal footballer Hector Bellerin wears Christopher Shannon jacket and Zimmermann pyjamas during the Autumn/ Winter 2018 London Fashion Week @PAImages @HectorBellerin #Arsenal #fashion #londonfashionweekmens pic.twitter.com/vY2u80fHC2
— Richard Holt (@Richard_Holt69) January 8, 2018
The UPS man was up bright and early this morning, not like our pal here who’s had to throw on a coat and pair of his Mum’s slippers before answering the door. It’s a phone cover that’s being delivered, one that says ‘By Order Of The Puggy Blinders’ with a picture of some pugs wearing tweed. He got it in the Amazon sale and the boys are going to love it.
He hasn’t much planned for the day, he’s probably just going to play Fifa and see if Freddy wants to go for a bite to eat later. He hates the culture that surrounds going for a Nando’s, but he loves the peri peri fries, so he’s eternally torn. Our pyjama-wearing pal has also never felt the loving touch of another human being, but that’s a secret.
Look #10 – Teenager that’s been dragged on a family holiday
https://www.instagram.com/p/pjg9_PzUDf/?taken-by=hectorbellerin
Greg didn’t want to go to Corfu with his stupid parents and annoying younger brother, but they wouldn’t let him stay in the house on his own, so he had no choice in the end. He’s having a terrible time but has been putting a bit of a facade on for the Instagram likes. If nothing else, he’ll get a good tan out of the holiday.
There’s a group of teens his age that seem to have formed a bit of a gang down by the pool, but he probably won’t bother with him. His Mum’s been pressuring him into making friends, but they all look like losers to him. No, he’ll stand his ground and be a lone wolf. He’s a big deal back home, little do they know. He once kissed two girls in the one night and he sometimes brings the dog upstairs when no one’s home.
